Schizoid?

I first became reclusive at age 14. Have spent my entire life (age 56) without a friend. I have always thought that I was absolutely alone in this world..no one who shared my view of reality..but now I know that's not true. If you are reclusive at a young age..you have a choice..strike out now try to develop a comfortable social persona and take a chance..or don't change and accept that you will spend..many, many hours, days, decades alone. I had a persona for many years that worked for me, however, it was alcohol fueled and in the end that was not sustainable. Now I just don't have the energy/enthusiasm to try very much. As a result I have alienated people at work, my neighbor, and my family. I've almost burnt more bridges than I could comfortably tolerate. I'm on my second marriage and when things get sketchy with this relationship I can become terrified of the prospect of returning to absolute solitude. I try to do whatever it takes to avoid this because absolute solitude sustained over a long period of time burns me out and I get overtaken with fantasy, overthinking, drug use, and sexual compulsions.