Schizoid?

I first became reclusive at age 14. Have spent my entire life (age 56) without a friend. I have always thought that I was absolutely alone in this world..no one who shared my view of reality..but now I know that's not true. If you are reclusive at a young age..you have a choice..strike out now try to develop a comfortable social persona and take a chance..or don't change and accept that you will spend..many, many hours, days, decades alone. I had a persona for many years that worked for me, however, it was alcohol fueled and in the end that was not sustainable. Now I just don't have the energy/enthusiasm to try very much. As a result I have alienated people at work, my neighbor, and my family. I've almost burnt more bridges than I could comfortably tolerate. I'm on my second marriage and when things get sketchy with this relationship I can become terrified of the prospect of returning to absolute solitude. I try to do whatever it takes to avoid this because absolute solitude sustained over a long period of time burns me out and I get overtaken with fantasy, overthinking, drug use, and sexual compulsions.

Hello JustinTyme: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. You mentioned you're 56. I'm 70! And I'm also a pretty reclusive person. (I've also burned many, many bridges over the years.) You made reference to your marriage. So one forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

The title of your post suggests you may be thinking you could possibly be diagnosed as having schizoid personality disorder. Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that discuss that particular disorder:

Schizoid Personality Disorder

Understanding Schizoid Personality Disorder | The Exhausted Woman

Schizoid Personality Disorder Treatment

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

One aspect of schizoid personality disorder that I find difficult is the lack of passion to want to do anything outside of my house. My hobby and passion is playing the keyboard works of Bach..outside that every activity seems flat and not worth the effort..even contemplating a summer vacation..I feel unenthusiastic. I can't make choices about what I should do..all the choices seem the same. I see people making choices about how to spend their time..and they seem certain in their choice..how can that be..I question everything..all of my responses I scrutinize..very little spontaneity. To the point that going to a grocery store is uncomfortable..so many choices and I don't really care..I have always felt if I had a choice between eating food for nourishment or replacing all food with a pill..I'd choose the pill..also, if I could wear the same thing everyday..no choice I would prefer it. Choosing just frustrates me..do I want to go hiking, visit a museum, ski, eat out, etc. no..I feel no motivating emotion about activities outside the house. I dread the busy real world, I hate traffic, stores, lines, deciding what to purchase, choices..and the older I get the more I recoil from it all and stay in my house as a quasi-recluse playing a prelude and trying to ignore the world around me.

I completely understand this as a schizoid myself. Everyone around me gets bored doing the same things everyday again and again so they seek out new activities, outfits, people, and whatnot. Most schizoids are completely different from others in that aspect because we don’t find anything boring about staying at the house and working from home or wearing the same outfits everyday or doing the same activities repeatedly. I could live my entire life going to work Monday through Friday at the same job doing the same thing and living at the same house doing the same hobbies and be perfectly content with my situation.

I avoid all group activities. I despise the 'feel good' group rapport activities. I feel that extroverts dominate the agenda and impose their crap on the rest of us..as if, were all happy to stand in a circle and play games..laugh and feel so good about ourselves..fk that. I go to these work things..sign my name on the sign-in sheet..and get out of there as quickly as possible..ditch it and go back to my office or go home. I can feel the anxiety and revulsion building to a meltdown point when faced with 'morale boosting' group activities, or meaningless meetings. The people I work with increasingly think I'm odd, an asshole, mean, discontent..not a team player..difficult. The way I look at it is if you don't impose your social ******** on me we'll get along fine..as in there will be no reason for us to interact socially at all, and very few reasons for us to meet at all..and that is for the best. I have pushed the organization I work for to the limit..to the point where I'm bucking there social agenda (meetings, pot-lucks, birthdays etc.) always..and daring them to confront me about it..literally carving out my own reality here amidst the sea of smiling conformity at the risk of being fired. And I have always been this way. When I was a senior in high school..we had a senior ditch day..where all the seniors met at the beach for games and fun. I drove out there said hi to one or two people..and after five minutes discreetly got in my car and drove home without telling anyone. I spent the day alone..and drove back to the beach to be there for the last five minutes. I've always thought that incredibly pathetic and sad. But now I understand that for me..there is no social, never has been, never will be. The challenge is how to survive in a social world.

You mentioned you have anxiety, which I do not experience very often if ever. Would you mind explaining what it is you get anxious about?

Confronting my limitation..and dealing with the interpersonal fallout.