Why doesn't it get any easier?

Social interaction never feels like it gets any easier.

I can fake being as outgoing, engaging, and outwardly emotional as the average person. This has allowed my encounters to run much more smoothly than just being myself.

But it's so draining. I feel like a chameleon constantly trying to adapt to the social environment I walk into. I feel like I'm constantly stumbling around social Morse code that either makes no sense at all or just seems ridiculous. I'm not myself.

I can smile, talk, laugh, maybe crack a joke or two. But on the inside I feel so disconnected from people I interact with. Like I'm just playing a part in a movie until it's finally over.

I thought that, over time, it would all get easier. I really did. But it still sucks. I'm so tired of dealing with people, I'm tired of pretending to be social so things go smoothly with others. I'm tired of small talk, mind games, social Morse code, all of it. I just want to be left alone, not being forced to deal with people for any reason.

Why doesn't it get easier? I guess pretending never feels easier.

I can definitely identify with you. I find social interactions generally draining and demoralizing. That is why I have been alone most of my life. My heart goes out to you.

Maybe someday our memories will become modified & a new outlook will allow us to feel more at ease?

Yes I can understand how you feel. I’m an introvert and often force myself to get out socially and may not have fun always, but helps to get out. Hobbies can help or having a shared interest, and also I like structured social events such a board games or trivia night since less small talk involved.