[vrba44070]

I'm hearing commands again & losing sleep, but I'm not as afraid this time. I'm sure they will pass. I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday & I hope he won't insist that I go to the hospital. It won't do me any good.
Some of the commands tell me to harm myself, but I don't have to listen to them. I have a wonderful husband that I love & who loves me & I couldn't hurt him.
I'm not sure how long this is going to last because all the other times I went to the hospital.
Wish me luck.

[spiritual_emergency]

vrba: Some of the commands tell me to harm myself, but I don't have to listen to them. I have a wonderful husband that I love & who loves me & I couldn't hurt him.

Those seem like good thoughts to hang out with at this time. Is there anything else you can do that helps bring you comfort or reassurance?

Wishing you luck.

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[Tinaleigh]

Rock on and Good Luck. It sounds like you're doing great. Keep those voices in check! They're not the boss of you!

[vrba44070]

I went swimming today. I love being in the water. I cleaned the house, wrote a letter, listened to a meditation CD, worked on a powerpoint presentation, & read at a coffee shop. In short, I kept really busy so I wouldn't be over run with them. I hope tomorrow goes as well. I'm going to a support group tomorrow morning. Tonight I went out to dinner w/ my husband & later we're going out to a support group together.
Once I figured out that I didn't have to heed the voices I was okay.

[Amazonmom]

whoohoo! Sounds like you are doing well!

Tinaleigh is right...the voices are not the boss of you!

[kaytibear]

Yay for not letting the voices be the boss of you. Keep up the good work

Kayti

[vrba44070]

I went & saw my therapist today. I showed him my mood chart & he grew concerned (there's a place on my mood chart that you mark if you are psychotic). He suggested the hospital & made me make an appointment tomorrow w/ my psychiatrist. I'm hoping I can convince my psychiatrist not to put me in the hospital. I can handle the commands on my own. Why don't they trust me to do that?

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello vrba,

He suggested the hospital & made me make an appointment tomorrow w/ my psychiatrist. I'm hoping I can convince my psychiatrist not to put me in the hospital. I can handle the commands on my own. Why don't they trust me to do that?

Psychosis seems to scare a lot of people -- not only those who go through the experience but also those around them.

Generally, the critical component in terms of "forced treatment" is whether or not the individual in crisis presents as a danger to self or others. I haven't seen you make any posts related to a desire to do either of those things but you know your own situation best -- is that anything you're going through right now?

Otherwise, I know you enjoyed the articles in regard to working with voices. Have you checked to see if there might be a chapter of the Hearing Voices Network in your area? If so, maybe it would help you to connect with them. They might be able to offer some additional support as well as the inside scoop on local forms of psychiatric care.

Meantime, when you go to see the psychiatrist tomorrow, maybe it will be helpful if you can demonstrate how you handle the voices, especially where you feel you've become more capable. If you are coping well it seems unlikely any professionals will become alarmed on your behalf. It might also be helpful to bring your husband or another support person. Sometimes a supportive presence can make a difference particularly if you find the process to be stressful or intimidating.

It might also be helpful to review any mental health laws in your area so you are aware of what your rights in the situation might be. Hospitalization can be helpful for some but it can also be very distressful for others. If you're able to meet the challenges of coping on your own successfully at home, it seems to me that's the better place for you.

There may also be some articles at the links below that might be helpful for you:

• National Empowerment Center
• Intervoice: The International Community for Hearing Voices
• Hearing Voices Network

Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes.

~ Namaste

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[spiritual_emergency]

A quick question for you vrba, if you have time and feel comfortable answering. In your earlier post you'd noted: I went & saw my therapist today. I showed him my mood chart & he grew concerned (there's a place on my mood chart that you mark if you are psychotic).

How do you define "psychotic"? How does the mood chart define it? And, if you know... how does your therapist and psychiatrist define it?

.

[vrba44070]

My mood chart defines psychotic as "hallucinations & strange ideas." I have been hearing voices putting me down, seeing shadows streak by & startle me, & hearing commands to harm myself. I think that qualifies as psychotic.
I only got a few hours sleep last night. It's been that way all week. I need to get some rest, but I'm not tired. When I do sleep, I have nightmares & I don't want to go back to sleep because I'm scared. It's getting worse, but I don't want to go to the hospital & be away from my husband. My husband is going to the psychiatrist with me today. He's going to be home from work next week so he can watch me. I just need time to build up on my mood stabilizer & I don't want the hospital to interfere with that.
I keep telling myself, "This will pass. It's not going to kill me."
I'm not going to lie to my psychiatrist; it is my hope that he understands that I need to handle this with my own resources.

[spiritual_emergency]

vrba: My mood chart defines psychotic as "hallucinations & strange ideas." I have been hearing voices putting me down, seeing shadows streak by & startle me, & hearing commands to harm myself. I think that qualifies as psychotic.

Yes. In my post to willingwell the other day I noted that these experiences seem to belong to the stage of "ego assault". That's what I look for when attempting to define what "psychosis" looks like -- evidence of ego (self-identity) breakdown or threat thereof.

I keep telling myself, "This will pass. It's not going to kill me."

A helpful mantra to be sure. When the ego comes under heavy assault it can feel as if death is imminent; in later stages (ego collapse), one might even feel that they actually have died. It is as if the inner psychological crisis state becomes projected upon the external world. This becomes all the more confusing because the boundaries between inner and outer have become blurred or absent as a result of egoic breakdown and our perspective of the world (inner and outer) seems fraught with risk and danger. If can be helpful to remember that if any dying is involved, it's usually an inner death -- a psychological death, not a physical one.

I only got a few hours sleep last night. It's been that way all week. I need to get some rest, but I'm not tired. When I do sleep, I have nightmares & I don't want to go back to sleep because I'm scared.

When I went through my own experience several years ago my only real human connection at that time was a very kind man I'd encountered in the online environment. I recall him sending me a song at that time that brought a measure of comfort. Even now, all these years later, listening to that song can soothe me. Feel free to make use of it if it helps: Big Calm

It's getting worse, but I don't want to go to the hospital & be away from my husband. My husband is going to the psychiatrist with me today. He's going to be home from work next week so he can watch me. I just need time to build up on my mood stabilizer & I don't want the hospital to interfere with that.

Your husband sounds like a wonderful source of support to you. Love makes a difference and I agree, we shouldn't separate people from their loved ones during crisis periods. It can make it more difficult to weather the crisis.

I hope things go well with your psychiatrist today and he's able to find faith in your abilitities to cope with this at home, with your husband's support.

~ Namaste

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[spiritual_emergency]

As an addendum. In my post above, I'd said: When the ego comes under heavy assault it can feel as if death is imminent; in later stages (ego collapse), one might even feel that they actually have died.

Yesterday I was reviewing posts made by Historian and I came across this post of hers which describes this experience quite well...

I got really upset recently when I'd been really thinking about why I could see things others couldn't, and concluded that I must be some kind of ghost-not quite dead, but not alive either. Like I was stuck somewhere, and that's why I felt so surreal most of the time.

I wasn't really scared about being this way, it seemed to make sense, but then I started thinking what if I'm real and alive, but noone else is...

Source: OCD or not?

Jungian analyst, John Weir Perry addresses this aspect in greater depth...

O'C: What does it feel like to go through a "schizophrenic break"?

PERRY: The overall experience is described as falling into a kind of abyss of isolation. This comes about because there is such a discrepancy between the subjective inner world that one has been swept into, and the mundane everyday world outside. There seems to be a total gulf between these two. Of course, this is exactly what happens in our society: the individuals around such a person are bewildered and frightened. They have absolutely no trust in what is going on! So everything is set up negatively, and this gives rise to fear - on both sides.

O'C: So it starts with a feeling of isolation...

PERRY: Yes. Now the symbolic expression of this is falling into a death - not only a death state, but also a death space - the "afterlife," the "realm of the ancestors," the "land of the dead," the "spirit world." The common experience here is for the person to look about and think that half the people around him are dead too. While in this condition, it's very hard for one to tell if one is really alive or not...

Source: When the Dream Becomes Real: Mental Breakdown as Healing

I'm not sure if there might be more food for thought for you there or not vrba. Feel free to make use of it as you see fit.

~ Namaste


See also:

• The Experience of Schizophrenia
• Schizophrenia & The Hero's Journey

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[vrba44070]

Thank you, Spiritual Emergency, for everything.
I brought my husband with me to see my psychiatrist. It helped a great deal. I convinced my doctor that I would be okay with a slight adjustment in medication. My husband & I convinced him that I would be better off at home. I told my psychiatrist that I need to develop the ability to cope on my own with these episodes. He relented & agreed. He wants to see me next week.
One of the agents he gave me was an antianxiety med. I feel better already.
Thank you everyone for cheering me on & your support. It means a lot to me that others are listening.

[spiritual_emergency]

vrba: I convinced my doctor that I would be okay with a slight adjustment in medication. My husband & I convinced him that I would be better off at home. I told my psychiatrist that I need to develop the ability to cope on my own with these episodes. He relented & agreed. He wants to see me next week.

That's fantastic news. Good for you (and your husband)!

One of the agents he gave me was an antianxiety med. I feel better already.

Medications can be a useful part of any treatment provided that the person taking them finds them to be helpful. (If they don't, they have a different sort of problem that requires attention.) I've known a number of people who have found anti-anxiety medications to be beneficial, particularly for short term use. Meantime, it sounds as if you are learning some new ways of coping with the symptoms you identify as troublesome. Medication can help serve as a bridge while you're polishing those skills.

Continued best wishes.

~ Namaste

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