[kris9999]

Before I get into detail about what is going on right now, I should let you know I have been diagnosed with DID and schizophrenia along with other things as well...

My schizophrenia is bad again. It hasn't been this bad since I was a child. Normally I'm just paranoid of strangers and I occassionally see, hear and feel things but since last night... It's back with force!!!

When I'm under extreme stress one of my alters take away all of my emotions, along with the emotion she/he also takes away my schizophrenia (not sure how that happens) and for the last few days, that alter was keeping me numb again. Until last night...

When I was a really young kid, I was so paranoid that I refused to use my own bathroom. I thought that there were cameras in my own bathroom and I was on a TV show. This was before the Trueman Show... Well before I ever heard of it at least... I don't know when it stopped but eventually those thoughts did and I haven't been that bad since.

Than last night. Once my feelings came back I was (and still am) convinced that I am living in my head right now. That everyone, all of you included, are my alters. You're all here with me and the only reason I can't see any of you right now is because you are trying to hide from me... But none the less you are my alters and I'm inside my mind right now with all of you.

I still think this, I still think that everyone and everything I see is a part of my head, we're all inside in my own little world here and you're all here as my alters... I don't know how to explain it any more.

Than I got to sleep FINALLY and wake up and see a HUGE spider on my chest. I feel it as well. I start slapping my chest hard only to find out there is no spider there, but I can still feel it crawling under my shirt. I look at my husband and I see about 10 spiders crawling on his face. I try to convince myself I'm seeing thing and open my eyes really wide in hopes that maybe it was just distorted vision or something. They didn't go away...

About 5 minutes later, after watching the spiders crawl over his face, they finally dissappeared. I than decide to stay awake and come out in the living room. On my way out I see on my piece of paper there is a lot of mean writing, a lot of angry words and yup, you guessed it... More spiders! I turn my phone on over the page to use it as a flashlight and it was still there but everything started to dissappear. I come out in the living room and the same thing happens with another piece of paper!

I don't know what to do right now! I've never seen so many things that weren't real in one day and in such a short period of time. I've never thought something so "unrationally" since I was a child. My mind is very quickly fading and I'm afraid one day I wont be able to tell what's real and what's in my head any more.

I have my appointment with my t today... We are supposed to focus on mainly my DID since the schizo hasn't been that bad in a long time, but now I feel we should focus on both... But I'm afraid when I tell her these things, that she will send me away. I can't be away from my daughter. She says she wont send me away unless we both agree but I think she still might!!!

What do I do?!?! I don't know how to fix this! I'm on NO meds right now and I don't even have a pdoc right now!!!! I don't know what to do, please help! Even if it's just a hug or something!

Great still feeling the spiders crawling and now feeling them bite me!!!!!!!!!!

[reg12]

Hello kris. Sorry you are having a difficult time. The alter can take away the emotions, but they just keep coming back usually as time goes on. Some alters can cause calmness. They can be running things and you are able to see what is happening, so you get the feeling of watching what's going on. You and the alter can exist at the same time. They do not always turn off the host. This is maybe what you experiance.

I agree with your T that you need to work on the DID and see if you can get some control. They are just working on the DID only because they know that has to be addressed to help you. However I think your T needs to be told about the other. Something from the DID may be triggering what you are seeing. If you feel you should focus on both then tell the T. You need to work with them for the best outcome. I wish you the best.

[SpottedOwl]

(((kris9999)))

When I'm under extreme stress one of my alters take away all of my emotions, along with the emotion she/he also takes away my schizophrenia (not sure how that happens) and for the last few days, that alter was keeping me numb again. Until last night...

It sounds to me like it is the stress that is triggering these other symptoms. Can you address what was causing the extreme stress with T? Maybe that would be another, less scary way of talking about this with T?

No matter what, reach out for support and do whatever you can to take good healthy care of yourself. If you aren't sleeping well, that just adds to the stress. I think sometimes when we don't get enough sleep, images from our dream world make their way into our waking world.

Take gentle care of yourself.

[kris9999]

Thanks both of you for your kind comments! I'm really worried about telling the t about these things today, I don't want to be locked up because I'm losing touch with reality. I can't leave my daughter. I'm married but my husband doesn't take care of her the way she needs. He doesn't watch her well enough and I couldn't get better anywhere if I was constantly worried about her. I'm kind of stuck now and I don't know what's going to happen or what I'm going to do. I will write more when I get back from the t in a few hours with an update on what has happened... IF I get back from the t....

[reg12]

Yes please let us know how your meeting turns out. I wish you well.

Originally Posted by kris9999

Thanks both of you for your kind comments! I'm really worried about telling the t about these things today, I don't want to be locked up because I'm losing touch with reality. I can't leave my daughter. I'm married but my husband doesn't take care of her the way she needs. He doesn't watch her well enough and I couldn't get better anywhere if I was constantly worried about her. I'm kind of stuck now and I don't know what's going to happen or what I'm going to do. I will write more when I get back from the t in a few hours with an update on what has happened... IF I get back from the t....

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Kris,
I agree it would be helpful to tell your therapist as much as you can but I can also understand your fears about doing so. Hopefully, he/she will be open to hearing them and you'll also have the opportunity to talk about your specific fears as related to sharing that information with her.

One factor you might want to look at is who could care for your child if you did end up in the hospital for a period of time? Is there a family member or friend who could do so for a few days?

Also worth exploring is what sort of circumstances would necessitate your therapist recommending that you be hospitalized? Typically, concerns center around whether or not you pose a risk to yourself or someone else. You might find it helpful to investigate the laws in your state/province/jurisdiction so you understand exactly what the process may be. In most cases, it seems best to enter a hospital voluntarily.

In regard to your symptoms, I agree they may be stress-related. They may also be part of the process of working through the old trauma -- something that can be stressful in and of itself.

Hopefully your session with your therapist will go well and you'll be back later today to say as much.



~ Namaste

.

[kris9999]

I'm back and so relieved!!! She said she wont hospitalize me unless I am a threat to myself or others (including animals) on rare cases she will put someone in if they aren't in touch with reality. Once she said that I got extremely worried. I told her I was not a threat but I wasn't completely in touch with reality but would NOT go to the hospital. She than went over my options and felt it would be best if I admitted myself. I refused.

I told her I will do what I can to be put on meds asap but I will not go to the hospital because it would make me worse being away from Alyssa. Now for what she thinks caused this all of a sudden craziness (and yes she openly admitted I was crazy today)

***********Trigger warning************** According to her October is a very common month for DIDers to be hospitalized. Because it's the month of Halloween and many DIDers experienced some sort of satanic ritual abuse in their life and the end of september and October triggers the feelings.

When my virginity was stolen from me when I was 14, one of the men there was a satanist. Wore his robe and everything and when I came back from my blackout my blood was all over the chair. She thinks that whatever alter took over that night is being triggered. With her emotions and mine from my discoveries over the last few weeks, she thinks they have both caused the schizophrenia and the DID to go all crazy on me.

With medication and my "common sense" she said there is a small possibility I can get through this time period and not be hospitalized so I am hoping for that. I told her how I thought she was my alter and she looked at me and smiled and said "That is a very interesting view."?!?!?! WOW I think my t needs a t!!!

None the less I am happy I am NOT in the hospital!!! Phew!!!

[Eriksplus]

It's interesting what she said, Kris!
Yes, THANK GOD you're still here!
And, of COURSE Ts need Ts!
(Yeston)Erik

[kaytibear]

Spiders scare me esp big ones. I can understand a bit of what you're going through having had DID and also schizophrenia. I am glad you are seeing a therapist but have you considered a pdoc? Getting through this rough time may be easier with the use of meds . It's just an option to keep in mind. Sometimes journaling would help to calm my alters and help me separate reality from not. I recently spent time in the hospital because my hallucinations became too much to handle. I fought going in for a long time but finally admitted I just couldn't handle it any more. Once there I was put on medication and began to improve considerably. Hang in there and you are not alone

Kayti

[reg12]

I am so happy to get your message and to heard that you are able to stay with your daughter. Did she mention if she has been talking to the alter at all or is this just an opinion that she has? How were your dreams last night? Again I am glad you are still with us.

[kris9999]

Thanks for all of the comments and the support! My sleep, after taking the seroquel, was still broken up but now I'm thinking it will continue to be that way until I cut back on my caffeine use.

The t hasn't met an alter yet. She said that one called her and left her a message but who knows?!

I got the seroquel and the Lithium, only problem is I had to deal with that perv doctor yesterday who messed up my doses. At least I have the meds though. I took the Lithium for the first time today and the Seroquel last night. According to my t the seroquel is what stops the schizophrenia symptoms or whatever you want to call it, so hopefully it will help.

No spiders or noises or anything lately so that's great! In time I'm sure I will see hear and feel things again but I'm enjoying this short break. I still have the idea of living in my head at the moment, but I don't think that will change for a while.

Anyways again thank you for all of your support! I hope you all are well!!!
((((((((((( all ))))))))))))))))))

[reg12]

That is good to hear. I am glad you got some relief.

[kaytibear]

I am glad you are getting some help for this and wish you the best of luck

[kris9999]

Thanks for the comments everyone. The spiders come back on occasion and the "paranoia" is still here and so are the noises BUT they already seem to be calming down since I started the meds. I'm not sure why, of all things, I have to see spiders! I am petrified of spiders!!!!!

Thanks again for the replies and support, it means a lot to me!!!

[billieJ]

Kriss, I don't see how you can go on as you were when you posted 9/21. I am familiar with the fear of being sent away to hospital, but I can't imagine a greater fear and anxiety than you were having 9/21, with the spiders. Hopefully, your T was able to make some med changes, or does T only do talk therapy? I cannot even imagine a trickier combination of dx's than what you list - DID and Schizophrenia. Can you husband watch your doctor, if the condition you recently related cannot be treated on an outpatient basis. I hope and pray the best for you. billieJ

[billieJ]

That's probably why. I am so sorry that this happens to you. billieJ

Originally Posted by kris9999

Thanks for the comments everyone. The spiders come back on occasion and the "paranoia" is still here and so are the noises BUT they already seem to be calming down since I started the meds. I'm not sure why, of all things, I have to see spiders! I am petrified of spiders!!!!!

Thanks again for the replies and support, it means a lot to me!!!

[kris9999]

Thanks BillieJ... The more the days pass, spiders or not, the more unsure I am of making it on my own through October. The spiders came back yesterday but Erik helped me to get rid of them but I'm sure they will come back again. October hasn't even started yet and things just keep going downhill. If I don't end up in the hospital, chances are one of my alters will come out and take away this coming month. I don't know if I will be welcoming to that or afraid...

I just don't know how to stop the alt who is being triggered. Apparently she is triggering the schizo which is why it's getting so bad. If I was co conscious I would be there helping her but I'm not. They don't even talk back. Sorry, forgetting this isn't the DD forum... Back on topic...

The spiders are gone and I am very thankful for that, only problem is when one problem goes away more problems come. I spent a total of maybe an hour being happy that the spiders were gone before another problem came, than another this morning. It will be a miracle if I make it through this month on my own... Especially if the spiders come back or the schizo continues to be bad at all... I feel so bad for the people who live like this on a daily basis... I wish I had the strength of everyone else...

Thanks again for your comment. I see my t on Monday and if the spiders come back or things don't start to calm down I will have to discuss my options at the hospital. I'll post after my apointment