[Apocryphal]

Hello,

Does this sound delusional to you?

I am very concerned and worried about a house across the street. I know they are following me around and watching my flat. They have put bugs in my flat (I have now covered all the areas to hopefully stop their transmissions). I believe they are part of a particular secret area of government that is dedicated to working with the paranormal, black magic and mutants. I think they have a base deep underground and they are working in there and the way in is through this house. That they are trying to do something to me. I became convinced the other day that they were coming to get me I spent that night curled against the wall barricaded in with a knife. I can't talk about this to my friends they think it is all in my head. It is not this is happening. I know something they wish me never to remember so they are trying to make me out to be insane. I have had people say to me but why you? I don't know why me exactly, There is a chip in my brain that stops me remembering things properly. Why haven't they killed me yet, because I am an experiment that they are conducting. People don't believe in the secret experiments the government do but evidence comes to light at a later date. when it is too late to help the innocent people involved. I don't think I am innocent though. I have these huge gaps in my memory and what I do recall is vague, There is very little background information on me from a certain age, I just disappear from the system. This worries me. A lot. I really want to go over there but I fear to do so. I really do feel alone and scared right now. My CPN says not to go over there as things may get out of control. but I can't just sit here scared thinking they are coming to get me at any minute. Is it so wrong to want to feel safe in my own place?

[Junerain]

Feeling alone and scared are terrible feelingsAre you in therapy, and are you seeing a psychiatrist? I used to feel paranoid until I was put on a medication that stopped such feelings, and now I feel much, much better...I wish this for you...can you write more about your feelings? We care here, you have found a truly caring website...

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Apocryphal,
I never really liked the term delusional. What I preferred was the idea that people can end up in an altered state of consciousness and while there, what's happening inside of them can appear to be happening outside of them. It's somewhat comparable to a nightmare wherein, as long as you are in the nightmare, it's all very real. Then you wake-up and realize that the dream state and waking state are not the same thing, but your heart still pounds because on some level, it remains very real. So... that's what worked for me -- to understand that there are two levels of reality happening that occasionally bleed into one.

What can help? Probably the first thing to do is to help you create a place of safety for yourself. It's also very important to understand that at no point are you to be harmed or bring harm to someone else. If you do feel an urge to do such things, that's a sign you require immediate assistance. Call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room if that is the case.

You also mentioned working with a CPN -- I'm not entirely certain what those initials represent but I gather it is someone who works as a professional in the mental health field. I suggest you call them, let them know you're feeling very frightened and ask for help -- it's very important that we reach out to people in our face-to-face world. Much as others here might be capable of providing support and understanding, we're not in any position to be there for you the same way an understanding friend, family member or professional can be. That's another option you should consider -- call a friend or family member you think might be capable of understanding, tell them how frightened you feel, and ask them if they can help you. Even getting out of your apartment and having somewhere else to stay for a few days might help.

Meantime, here's something simple you could try while you're waiting for help to come to you.

- Think of someone you love who also loved you back. Imagine that love growing into a protective circle. Next, imagine yourself being in the middle of that circle, surrounded by that love. Next, you can imagine a square being drawn around the circle. The square has four corners. Imagine a protector being placed in each corner and facing outward so they can see anything coming. The protectors can be real people you have known or even imaginary figures. The important thing is that they care about you and they will serve to protect you. Let yourself feel safe within the circle of love as surrounded by the square of protection.

During my own crisis a very kind man also gave me a song that brought a sense of comfort to me. If you think it would help you as well, you're welcome to listen to it here: Big Calm [Sound File]. Alternatively, you might have some favorite pieces of your own that you find soothing.

To recap...

• Try to understand that something is happening within you. It wouldn't be fair to say it's not real because it really is affecting you, very strongly.

• Try to understand that many other people have undergone similar experiences and they got through them okay.

• Try to find some people who can help you.

• Try to keep find comfort measures that will help reduce your fear or anxiety.

• Do not allow yourself to be hurt; do not allow yourself to hurt others.

• If you think you might be at risk of being hurt or of hurting someone else, reach out for immediate help by calling 911.

• Stay strong and know that you don't have to get through this on your own, other people can help you.

• Feel free to come back here and ask for more help or simply to share your thoughts.

I hope something in the above helps you. Best to you.

~ Namaste

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[Apocryphal]

Thank you for you replies and for all the advice, I found it helpful.

I am not in therapy or seeing a psychiatrist anymore but I do have a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse). But when I speak to them I get this weird feeling exuding from them, I can't describe it, but I do not think I trust them any more so talking to them is more then a little strained. I did speak to them though, they are coming tomorrow. I have been staying at my friends house lately, just to get away from mine and the spying. I feel like everything is piling up on top of me and there is no way out.

[Junerain]

I have felt like everything was piling on top of me too,......very scary.....we are all here with you....even if it is in cyberspace...

If you cannot bring yourself to trust the CPN, could you give her the benefit of the doubt, that with all her training she passed, her intent is to help you

Please be honest with her if you can and describe exactly what you are experiencing in your mind, in your suspicions, as honest as you are......THE MORE HELP YOU WILL GET

You deserve good help, we all do! I used to be delusional and now am doing great (through reaching out to my care team..)
...............................I wish this for you, too..

keep writing, here, sharing with us..we care and it helps!

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Apocryphal,
It seems to be quite common for people to have great difficulty trusting others when they're undergoing these kinds of experiences. For me, I found that my stomach guided me in those kinds of decisions and my guts have lead me to a lot of good people. That's worth remembering -- that there are good people out there that will understand and will want to help you.

You seem to be making some smart decisions for yourself -- going to your friend's place, contacting your CPN. Remember there might be other people you could contact too, such as the psychiatrist or therapist that you worked with previously. In addition, there might be a hotline in your city/state or province that can put you in touch with other professionals if you don't feel comfortable with the people you're working with now. A search engine or local phone directory might help you find some of those people.

Please continue to post here as you find it helpful and to take very good care of yourself.

~ Namaste

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[billieJ]

Hello, Apocryphal ~ I can think of nothing to add to what Spiritual Emergency has so wisely explained above. I like her idea that there are different levels of reality, which can merge for a time. I can't even repeat it as well as SE stated it in her first post above. Please follow the advice given there. I think you have done a wise thing in moving in with a friend, and please do seek the help of a mental health professional. It is a terrible thing to feel so scared, and I know that being out of your house must help. Getting some sleep will help you as well. Caring About You ~ billieJ