[ariellah89]

Hi,

This is my first post to this group.
I have spent my entire life convinced that my father has tainted me somehow, because of his paranoid schizophrenia. My childhood was abruptly changed when I was three. My father had stopped taking his medication because it interfered with his art. He had a psychotic break and kept my mother and me captive in the house for a week before trying to kill us both. Since then, he has tried to keep contact with me, but I repressed memories of a year of phone calls and left strange, non-sensical letters unanswered. I have struggled for years with depression and anxiety disorders, constantly convinced that his "crazy" has been genetically passed down to be my "crazy". I guess I am reaching out to people who are dealing with similar issues he has dealt with. I am trying to sort out my life as an "adult" and one day, I know, I should meet him. I don't know if I am brave enough yet.

Thanks.

[SpottedOwl]

((ariellah))

Hi, and welcome. Thank you for posting.

Originally Posted by ariellah89

I have struggled for years with depression and anxiety disorders, constantly convinced that his "crazy" has been genetically passed down to be my "crazy". I guess I am reaching out to people who are dealing with similar issues he has dealt with. I am trying to sort out my life as an "adult" and one day, I know, I should meet him. I don't know if I am brave enough yet.

Your childhood sounds very traumatic to me. Anyone who has experienced abuse as a child will need to heal from that, but it does not mean you are 'crazy'. Statistically speaking, in a parent with schizophrenia, the likelihood of a child having the same diagnosis is ~6%. So, there is a possibility that you inherited his genes, but the probability is that you are not schizophrenic but that you were traumatized by growing up in a very unstable household.

I also don't think the focus right now should be on meeting your father, I think it should be on helping YOU. Have you seen a professional? I would highly encourage you to find a therapist to talk to about all of this. They have a lot of experience and also a lot of understanding to help you work though these feelings.

There are many stories of children who were raised with mentally unhealthy parents who went on to be successful and healthy on their own. You do not have to carry the burden of your father's illness your whole life.

[ariellah89]

Thank you!

It means so much to me that you reached out to me about this. No one has ever given me hard statistics about the probability of inheriting the illness.

I am seeing a therapist, I've been in therapy for years, practically my whole life.

It's funny, no matter what people say or how much I scold myself, I am convinced that I will always be a "broken" person. It's like I can't stop myself from thinking this. I want to badly to be a successful person, but so much has happened to me, whether because I've set myself up for failure over and over again, or because fate hates me (I know how petulant that sounds).

It was lovely to have someone to talk to about this, thank you.

[spiritual_emergency]

ariellah: I am convinced that I will always be a "broken" person.

Something I appreciate about people who have been "broken" is they're often far more aware of their own humanity. Quite often they're less materialistic, less ego-centric, more compassionate and kind and down-to-earth than people who have not been "broken". I've been broken and although it was painful at the time I believe those experiences have actually enriched my life. I also believe broken people can heal.

~ Namaste

[ariellah89]

Originally Posted by spiritual_emergency

ariellah: I am convinced that I will always be a "broken" person.
Quite often they're less materialistic, less ego-centric, more compassionate and kind and down-to-earth than people who have not been "broken".

you know, it's funny you say that, because the happiest i've ever been is when i'm working with animals. i think my compassion for animals has led me to pursue a career as a marine mammal trainer/handler. they're so uncomplicated and willing to please/love.

as for healing, i find that a possibility that may never happen for me ...

but i'm trying.

thank you

[SpottedOwl]

((ariellah))

Originally Posted by ariellah89

It's funny, no matter what people say or how much I scold myself, I am convinced that I will always be a "broken" person. It's like I can't stop myself from thinking this. I want to badly to be a successful person, but so much has happened to me, whether because I've set myself up for failure over and over again, or because fate hates me (I know how petulant that sounds).

My father also suffered from mental illness, and it felt like there was an anvil hanging over my head waiting to drop. I am a very sensitive person, and *because* the threat of mental illness was always there, I think I picked up a lot of fear from other people, and internalized it. I had to stop and really look into myself, and what I found inside was a beautiful soul that was hidden behind layers of protection *because* of having to grow up in a rough environment.

You don't have to accept those fears.
I know it sounds cliche, but the best thing you can do is learn to love yourself, 'broken bits' and all. All those 'failures' are also successes. You have learned lessons, gained experiences, and you are still striving to move forward. Be kind to yourself.

One of the worst things that happens to kids growing up with mentally ill parents, is we don't get the positive attention. We learn very quickly what makes our parents upset, and we often have to take on the roles of responsibility. That leaves us with very little time to just be a kid, and make mistakes and get comforted by our parents. So, to heal, we have to find that compassion towards ourselves.

You have done *the very best* that you knew how to do. You are still doing *the very best* that you know how to do.

It was lovely to have someone to talk to about this, thank you.

Thank you for posting! I've enjoyed sharing with you as well.