[BNLsMOM]

I just read adam's post and it was interesting because I came in here today to ask about emotion.

Sometimes I feel nothing at all when I think I should, and other times I feel so much it hurts and I can't express it.

I am afraid that if I feel anything strongly and express it that I will lose control and descend into a catatonic state and stare at the walls.

I am having a hard time expressing what I mean...

It is like I am numb but I am all raw nerve endings at the same time.

It's like I am shutting down little by little, but feeling so intensely, but unable to let it out.

Crap, I don't know what I am saying or why I even posted it here. Maybe I am looking for insight.

[sick]

I understand what you are saying like a fight against ourselves really. Afraid to feel the pain to let it go through so we numb ourselves to protect us so we don't fall apart. I think that is where a good psychologist can help. They can bring that emotion pain to the forefront with them there to protect us and get us to feel it and the let it go The more this is done the less numb we have to keep ourselves. I hope this makes sense but i do understand what you are saying take care

[katertot]

i do/feel the same things. i'm bipolar and schizoaffective. before i was on meds, if someone was disagreeing with me, i would stare at them so hard they would blur and i would go catatonic. i never know if they were trying to and almost making me feel things i couldn't handle, or if i just didn't care about whatever the hell they were saying. i guess i'm saying you aren't alone. i hope they find a meds combo that works for you soon. it really sucks to feel like that.

[BNLsMOM]

My T and i have started exploring this, and I think that is where my fear is coming from.

[thinker22]

Hi BNLs, I have had the feelings of numbness and catatonia from depression before. But not in conjunction with feeling like my nerves were raw. This definitely sounds like a meds issue. You shouldn't have to feel this way. It's not okay. Your combo isn't doing what it's supposed to. Get in with the pdoc as soon as possible and tell him/her your symptoms. Pulling for you. Hope you feel better soon.

[BNLsMOM]

I won't be able to reach her until Tuesday. I had planned to call her yesterday but got distracted my things and used up all my time online. Now it is a holiday weekend and she won't be in until tuesday. I can wait till then. Weekends are always a little better because my family is home and my husband can take over some responsibilities while I rest.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by thinker22

Hi BNLs, I have had the feelings of numbness and catatonia from depression before. But not in conjunction with feeling like my nerves were raw. This definitely sounds like a meds issue. You shouldn't have to feel this way. It's not okay. Your combo isn't doing what it's supposed to. Get in with the pdoc as soon as possible and tell him/her your symptoms. Pulling for you. Hope you feel better soon.

It's not actual nerve pain, but I was trying to figure out a way to describe the edgy, shaky on the inside feeling I was having. It wasn't quite like nerves, and it wasn't quite like the feeling you get right before the flu, but a strange combo of both.

I do feel a bit better today as far a physical symptoms of whatever this mood is. I am just hoping that the new momentum of the school year and the kids and I being busy helps me and doesn't push me over the edge.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

It's not actual nerve pain, but I was trying to figure out a way to describe the edgy, shaky on the inside feeling I was having. It wasn't quite like nerves, and it wasn't quite like the feeling you get right before the flu, but a strange combo of both.

I do feel a bit better today as far a physical symptoms of whatever this mood is. I am just hoping that the new momentum of the school year and the kids and I being busy helps me and doesn't push me over the edge.

I totally can relate. it sounds like acute ANXIETY. i still get it under certain stressors. glad u're staying in touch with your T. sometimes too when i'm in sessions when we're digging around to resolve conflict it can happen but i know that is the safeset time for me to look at things. hope this helps if only a little.

[knossos13]

"I am afraid that if I feel anything strongly and express it that I will lose control and descend into a catatonic state and stare at the walls."

That's a perfect description of an experience I believe I have shared in my own way. The fear of permitting oneself the spontaneity to *be moved (literally the meaning of 'emotion') because the consequences of *expression might cause/manifest the distress in your circumstances/external reality.

My insight at present (if I'd have any to lend) is that you're already doing an EXCELLENT job of recognizing & wrestling with this dilemma. You know very well for instance that you would certainly give a loved one the *permission (if you could grant such things) and even encouragement to *feel their whole range of emotions: high, low, benevolent, base, magnanimous, banal, et al. You would also caution them about what emotions they *expressed contextually. Please give yourself exactly that permission / caveat and trust your ability to put on the brakes (not on feeling, but on your modes and means of expression) should you need to do so. Our diagnoses can make us acutely cautious of getting 'worked up' because we've learned that the consequences can be disastrous. We also can't be machinery/Super-Logical Vulcans/etc. We do have to walk a line that's a little finer than other folks' sometimes, but that doesn't mean we have to reign everything in and hold back telling others what we think / feel when it's useful to the interaction. and truth is that a verbal acknowledgement of an emotion is often very useful in communication. the performance of an emotion or emotive state, however can get us in 'trouble,' and should be well-measured.

that you might be *sublimating [and/or] intellectualizing some emotion [and/or] certain emotions? I'm not certain I buy into those ways of thinking about things wholesale, but it might perhaps be useful to take a look at 'sublimation' and 'intellectualization' as constructs, and see whether there might be something useful there about the paths strong emotions can conduct, some within and some without our full awareness. again, without going too far into Psych-jargon land, these are useful terms to know and apply meaningfully as personal questions in some broad senses, as in: "Is this aspect of my life a sublimation of X emotion?" I won't define sublimation here because I don't consider it appropriate to doso for various reasons, but it's wikipediable. And it might be worth asking the question 'is something like that process going on in my life in some way?'

As far as intellectualization goes, we can often feel so fearful or *guilty of our thoughts/feelings themselves (not just actions), that we perform a trick of internal justification/explanation out of necessity. As a sort of relevent aside/tangent, I think we need to regard thoughts/emotions as qualitative components/aspects of the same mental fabric-thoughts and emotions are made of the same stuff, I think--we just recognize the logical/language piece of things as a 'thought' and the feeling/impulse piece as an 'emotion' but these are really two sides of the same coin.

In this sense, I think it might be useful to ask, 'how often do I feel the need to *intellectualize my inner-emotional/thought life,' i.e. tell myself "It was alright to have that emotion/thought which-does-not-make-me-proud because ______(x-justification)" Fact of the matter is: you need no justification to feel feelings or think thoughts of any quality! Please don't apologize to yourself for unpleasant or *unworthy thoughts/emotions. Actions are a different story, those require very humane self-articulation and self-aware judgment.

Please forgive anything obvious I've said; I think you probably have a very good handle on what's going on already and you'll eat this particular elephant of emotional blockage in your own time in your own way.

Meanwhile, be gentle with yourself. I'm not particularly Christian, but I like the phrase: "Judge not lest ye be judged..." because it's a very profound statement that works two ways, yaknow? Judging yourself less harshly (if that's in fact what's going on here) will help you be even more forgiving / compassionate in your daily life as well.

The poet Rilke once beautifully said:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions

You've asked some really profound questions. Walk around in 'em for a while