[volatile]

I'm not suffering from delusions or hallucinations, they're present but I'm not suffering from them. I'm socially screwed up is all. I can talk to people but I can't have conversations or express myself. Half the time I feel like I'm playing a part, pretending to be normal. My normal is sitting and staring when I'm 'hanging out' with my friends. Sometimes I'm good at communicating don't get me wrong, but it's so hard to keep up. It's so draining.
I never realized but my friend told me people think I'm a btich because of how I am. I asked what he meant and he said I hardly ever show expressions on my face, I'm just serious all the time... and another friend told me I'm always such a bad *** or something a long those lines. I've always seem myself being this pathetic little sweet thing, but apparently I'm threatening to people, which doesn't help my social dilemma at fing all.
The more I'm realizing, the more depressed and suicidal I'm getting. I don't think my social anxiety is just that, I think I have a personality disorder. Or is it just my schizoaffective? I've been socially screwed up as long as I can remember, it was just easier when I was younger. It just seems to be getting harder and harder. At least now I can hug people or sit close to them. Well not so much sit close to them. I hate that.
Ok I'm losing track of what I'm trying to say. I think I said enough though...