[novack]

Hey. Let me obviously preface this by saying that I know self diagnosis is bad but I just have a lot of things that I've wanted to say throughout my life that I've never been comfortable sharing.

When I was a child (about 6-8, I can't recall precisely) I began hearing my dead Aunt Patti saying my name in my left ear. I'd hear it up to twenty times a day and when I told my parents, my father treated me like a plague and avoided me while encouraging my siblings to do the same. My mother on the other hand treated me like a pet project and brought me to every psych she could think of and they all determined that I was far to young to have any major disorders.

So I kept mum about it for a few years and it stayed relatively calm. I developed Recurrent Depression which arguably started in February of 2008 (at 18 years old, by the way.) I dropped into a three day catatonic state which my father of course ignored. In July and August of 2008 I was housesitting for a friend and experienced the same problems as before but this time they lasted about two weeks and encompassed a suicide attempt for the hell of it. I literally was looking for toothpaste, found some pain killers and decided it would be fun to take them.

These fits keep occurring every six or so months until the present but in late 2009 I start developing now auditory hallucinations to a greater extent. It catapults from just the one voice to about four or five who don't degrade me like you frequently hear about but list nouns. I literally layed in bed one nights, half asleep, reciting to my fiancee what I'm hearing and she'll look on confused as I say "Table, Camaro, Hulk Hogan, boulder," because I, begrudgely, didn't let her in on my psych issues at this point.

By January I'm having visual hallucinations. I'm seeing faces in darkness. By April this has evolved to full blown hallucinations. Once I was sitting a library and a little girl came over and sat down next to me on a couch and when I turned to ask if her she was okay, she wasn't there. I've woken up with babies in my bed who weren't actually there and by June they've become characters (for lack of better word.) There is a tall man in a blazing white jacket with mutton chops and a top hat who stands at the foot of my bed almost every night watching me. When I'm sad he laughs. When I argue with my fiancee he tells me she's going to leave me, that's she screwing around on me, that the baby isn't mine, etc. He is some nights accompanied by a woman with crazy, Madusa hair who sits on her knees next to my bed with her face directly at mine. These are not dreams.

I also believe I display splitting, or disassociation, although I can't be sure as I've never fully researched it but it has been suggested by the variety of psychs that I've visited. I will shut off, my muscles go limp although I am awake and conscious. I can converse but not extensively and my actions are very methodic. This has lasted anywhere from one hour to one week.

This sounds to me like it could all point to schizophrenia given that the severe symptoms began when I was 19/20 years old and there is a history of schizophrenia in my family as my grandfather developed in as well.

As I said, cyberchondria is bad but is this something that I should become more aware of and potentially seek help for?

[katertot]

i would see a psychiatrist as soon as possible and be really open. maybe print this post out and take it to them. tell them about the family history, as well. best of luck!

[shichi]

Can't DX you over the interwebs but I also agree that it's a good idea to speak with a psychiatrist about your issues. It sounds like there is some form of psychosis happening. When you have these hallucinations and the like, are you in a mood state [i.e. depressed]?

BTW, schizophrenia doesn't involving any personality "splitting" or disassociation; that may be symptomatic of something else.

[novack]

shichi, is DX diagnose? I've not seen that abbreviation before. I have auditory hallucinations whether I'm depressed or not but the visual hallucinations only come when I'm depressed.

I was unaware disassociation wasn't symptomatic of schizophrenia, hmm. Thank for you sharing that with me.

Edit: Just wiki'd dissociation. It says it is experienced by victims of childhood abuse. I was sexually and psychologically abused throughout my childhood so that probably explains that.

[shichi]

Oops - DX stands for diagnosis.

The original meaning of "schizophrenia" [IIRC] refers to the concept of a "split mind" but the modern-day definition of schizophrenia makes no reference to the concept of any form of personality "splitting".

Disassociation is not a negative thing per se. It's used by the mind as a defence mechanism - that is, the mind attempts to distance itself from pain so that it doesn't become overwhelmed. It becomes problematic when it happens all the time and it's not in your control.

Anyways, it's a good idea to let your psychiatrist know about the nature of your hallucinations if they don't know already.

[novack]

Ay, therein lies the rub.

It definately does become problematic, my fiancee hates it :P

I've been out of treatment for months and I'm now in a situation where I don't know how to go about getting treatment. I guess I'll figure that out though as I can.

[shichi]

I'm not American but I've heard of people take the following options when looking for help...

+ A county treatment place;
+ University hospital;
+ Medicaid - you'll have to ask people about your eligibility for that, apparently being poor alone isn't an automatic qualifier.

[novack]

I'm trying to figure out more about Medicaid as my fiancee is on it due to pregnancy but the website for the branch in my area is very vague. I'm just going to have to go in to find out about it it looks like.

Thank you for your responses by the way.

[WikidPissah]

Sometimes psych hospitals have psych centers that take walk in's. Here in MA it's illegal to not have insurance, so there are also mobile psych units that help to treat people, and get them qualified for state insurance.