[sadeyes11]

Hello i just wanted to say hi Ibefore I speak about my issue... i do appreciate any advice and am willing to hear honesteo pinions

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello sadeyes. You must be very worried. I hope someone will be able to provide you with some information that helps you.

[lynn P.]

Welcome to PC (((sadeyes11)) - can you visit your doctor or take a pregnancy test? How far long are you? Has your BF seen a doctor? I wish you strength and clarity.

[sadeyes11]

I know I sound pathetic for staying around but i honestly feel like he is good just needs help. I am born to a man that was same and ended uop commiting suicide when i was a teen I felt if my mom wouldas tried harder and let him see us it would of been ok. I didnt ever know him and i was crushed that i was not enough to make him better i swore i would never leave one that i love . i just dont want to lose me in it all . i think i already have. im only 10 wks pregnant and am so sad and hurt. I dont cheat so how can he do this. He hears voices when we on phone i can be in a quiet room or car. he is convinced though anmd then he caught me and i am a liar and a ***** he heard it himself. I cant reason with him he always reminds me of all i supposedly do??



I just want to know if its possible for him to ever believe i am not the degrading mean sick things he says and if he really means it when he says it how can you tell someone you are better than trhem and accuse of constant cheating of escotrtying and say that you heat and that i will never be with you your garbage also that i am ruining his lifere then be mr perfect later . he is finally admitting he thinks he is crazy and needs help still needs proper diagnosis. I will stand by him if he will committ to meds and help. Is that possible. Will he ever be able to stop thinking im out to get him ? he thinks i trapped him with baby and im forcing him to be with me and then he apologizes and i take him back but he will always make it like he nows what i did and he is taking me back. then its like waiting for when he will find something .. Its days even hours between breakups now, I want to be with him but is it too late. Is he really thinking what he says

please if you have exp in this life help me understan i have a true and real desire to help him but i know im not a dr. I do love do much i know he loves me too but ids it ever gonna be right. I hate mental illness with everything in me but i dont think he is his illness. it isnt fair why him why why someone so beautiful . I just cant give up on who i love.

Thankyou for reading sad

[sadeyes11]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Welcome to PC (((sadeyes11)) - can you visit your doctor or take a pregnancy test? How far long are you? Has your BF seen a doctor? I wish you strength and clarity.

Thanks yes i am 10weeks and he has not . I felt i had to be careful and not say anything about him needing help cause i think if i said atwrong time it would be very bad . He finally admitted he needs help and asked me to help and that he doesnt know whats wrong with him he cant trust or believe anything... I dont want to turn my back but i know that he is manipulative and extremely intelligent so i dont want to fall back into the same heartbreak and letdown. But this is the only time he has said that .I am at a point where the word sorry is non existent it has no meaning. I want to see sorry not hear. Thanku for your support

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello sadeyes,
I think it needs to be emphasized that having a form of mental illness might make some harmful and hurtful behaviors understandable but it doesn't make them acceptable. If your boyfriend is not able to recognize where he is crossing boundaries or becoming abusive, it becomes your task to recognize that and act on it when, if or as it becomes necessary.

For that reason, if Plan A is staying with your boyfriend and helping him through his difficulties, I would encourage you to develop a Plan B. Plan B would include a place you could go to and people you could be safe with if it became necessary. That might be a family member or friend's home, maybe it would be a woman's shelter or a hospital. I would encourage you to think about those options and get them in place so, if you need them, they are ther for you.

I am born to a man that was same and ended uop commiting suicide when i was a teen I felt if my mom wouldas tried harder and let him see us it would of been ok. I didnt ever know him and i was crushed that i was not enough to make him better.

I think it's quite understandable that if you have experienced similar circumstances in the past you might want it to come out differently this time. We can't predict what could happen from here. It may be that by sticking with your boyfriend, he will get the help he needs and then, be able to treat you and your child with the basic regard you are both deserving of. If that were to happen, it might also help to resolve some of your feelings about your father.

However, it's also possible that in spite of your determination to hold on and be there for your boyfriend, in the end, you will make a choice similar to your mother's. If that were the case, you might find it helps you to better understand your mother and what motivated her own decisions.

Meantime, if you are going to take on a caregiver role with your boyfriend there are certain things you will, sooner or later, have to accept. One of these is that he, alone, will have to make the decision to make the most of his treatment and become as well as he's capable of being.

I think it's worth noting that critical aspects of your current circumstance seem to be mirroring aspects of an earlier trauma. This can be common among people who have unresolved trauma and may be related to a desire to make the outcome turn our more positively this time, instead of tragically, like before. For this reason, I believe you would find it beneficial to seek out some professional therapeutic support to help you come to terms with your earlier trauma. In turn, this will help you better cope with the current circumstances.


Meantime, a good caregiver does their best to provide the following:

• Invests the time in learning about their loved one's diagnosis and the treatments that may be available for it.
• Takes the time to listen to their loved one and provides emotional support where they can.
• Where they are able and only as it is absolutely necessary, takes on responsibility for ensuring their loved one makes it to medical appointments and/or makes use of treatments such as medication or learning new skills and behaviors.
• Accepts that they cannot make their loved one do anything, including getting well.
• Accepts that they are only one person on their loved one's support team -- they cannot do it all.
• Recognizes that they are also human, with their own wants and needs, and will benefit from seeking out support for themselves. In turn, this helps them to be a better support person to their loved one.

Being a caregiver does not mean you have to accept abusive behaviors. It does not mean you can never get angry, or feel dissappointed, or get scared or overwhelmed. There are also times when support is best done from a distance. I would encourage you to start looking around for other people who can also serve as a form of support to your boyfriend. This may logically include: members of his own family or circle of personal friends; professionals such as social workers, doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, etc.


Because you are a pregnant caregiver, there will also be times when your needs or your child's needs will have to take priority over your boyfriends. You will need...

• A safe place to nurture your pregnancy
• Adequate nutrition and sleep
• Adequate medical care
• Emotional support through your pregnancy.

These must take priority over all else for without them, you will feel torn between trying to meet your own needs, your child's needs and trying to address your boyfriend's needs. As a result of trying to stretch yourself too thin, your own mental and physical health may be negatively impacted.

I wish you luck with your current situation sadeyes. It sounds very difficult and challenging. That doesn't mean it can't be done but you will very likely benefit from support at a local level. If you're not sure where to start, I suggest a search engine or your local phone directory. You could try searching for "Psychological Help" within your current city/town.

Best of luck to you, your boyfriend, and your child.

~ Namaste

[sadeyes11]

Originally Posted by spiritual_emergency

Hello sadeyes,
I think it needs to be emphasized that having a form of mental illness might make some harmful and hurtful behaviors understandable but it doesn't make them acceptable. If your boyfriend is not able to recognize where he is crossing boundaries or becoming abusive, it becomes your task to recognize that and act on it when, if or as it becomes necessary.

For that reason, if Plan A is staying with your boyfriend and helping him through his difficulties, I would encourage you to develop a Plan B. Plan B would include a place you could go to and people you could be safe with if it became necessary. That might be a family member or friend's home, maybe it would be a woman's shelter or a hospital. I would encourage you to think about those options and get them in place so, if you need them, they are ther for you.

I am born to a man that was same and ended uop commiting suicide when i was a teen I felt if my mom wouldas tried harder and let him see us it would of been ok. I didnt ever know him and i was crushed that i was not enough to make him better.

I think it's quite understandable that if you have experienced similar circumstances in the past you might want it to come out differently this time. We can't predict what could happen from here. It may be that by sticking with your boyfriend, he will get the help he needs and then, be able to treat you and your child with the basic regard you are both deserving of. If that were to happen, it might also help to resolve some of your feelings about your father.

However, it's also possible that in spite of your determination to hold on and be there for your boyfriend, in the end, you will make a choice similar to your mother's. If that were the case, you might find it helps you to better understand your mother and what motivated her own decisions.

Meantime, if you are going to take on a caregiver role with your boyfriend there are certain things you will, sooner or later, have to accept. One of these is that he, alone, will have to make the decision to make the most of his treatment and become as well as he's capable of being.

I think it's worth noting that critical aspects of your current circumstance seem to be mirroring aspects of an earlier trauma. This can be common among people who have unresolved trauma and may be related to a desire to make the outcome turn our more positively this time, instead of tragically, like before. For this reason, I believe you would find it beneficial to seek out some professional therapeutic support to help you come to terms with your earlier trauma. In turn, this will help you better cope with the current circumstances.



Meantime, a good caregiver does their best to provide the following:

• Invests the time in learning about their loved one's diagnosis and the treatments that may be available for it.
• Takes the time to listen to their loved one and provides emotional support where they can.
• Where they are able and only as it is absolutely necessary, takes on responsibility for ensuring their loved one makes it to medical appointments and/or makes use of treatments such as medication or learning new skills and behaviors.
• Accepts that they cannot make their loved one do anything, including getting well.
• Accepts that they are only one person on their loved one's support team -- they cannot do it all.
• Recognizes that they are also human, with their own wants and needs, and will benefit from seeking out support for themselves. In turn, this helps them to be a better support person to their loved one.

Being a caregiver does not mean you have to accept abusive behaviors. It does not mean you can never get angry, or feel dissappointed, or get scared or overwhelmed. There are also times when support is best done from a distance. I would encourage you to start looking around for other people who can also serve as a form of support to your boyfriend. This may logically include: members of his own family or circle of personal friends; professionals such as social workers, doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, etc.



Because you are a pregnant caregiver, there will also be times when your needs or your child's needs will have to take priority over your boyfriends. You will need...

• A safe place to nurture your pregnancy
• Adequate nutrition and sleep
• Adequate medical care
• Emotional support through your pregnancy.

These must take priority over all else for without them, you will feel torn between trying to meet your own needs, your child's needs and trying to address your boyfriend's needs. As a result of trying to stretch yourself too thin, your own mental and physical health may be negatively impacted.

I wish you luck with your current situation sadeyes. It sounds very difficult and challenging. That doesn't mean it can't be done but you will very likely benefit from support at a local level. If you're not sure where to start, I suggest a search engine or your local phone directory. You could try searching for "Psychological Help" within your current city/town.

Best of luck to you, your boyfriend, and your child.

~ Namaste

Thankyou for your reply, i honestly appreciate the advice , I will take it into consideration. you are very kind to to provide me with a logical answer without judgement . Thankyou..
I know its impossible to know if he can change. and i am not asking for a diagnosis just a bit of advice fom an experienced person that understands , I am just curious if the behavior i describe is that of a paranoid schizo if I wanna make sure if i do stand by I am properly informed. I will insist on professional help before the baby is here. I will never put a child in danger.
I know things sound very bad and yes they are but i just am not ready to give up . I honestly feel like he is a good person and its worth trying.actions will soon show. i would like to make sure he gets help . I guess i have to let go of his hand if he doesnt follow thru????
One mor ? what does a person with mental illness really feel when they insult and put down?? Is it hate, hurt,disgust, rage , nothing?? do they actually believe that such rediculous things are being done. I want him to know im faithful i would never give myself to anyone else . when they say they hate and wish u never met and . I cant imagine how one can love so hard and intense to hating the same way .Is he capable of even loving or is it all manipulation? Can he ever know truly what he has done. is there any point in trying to make him see or will he always have in the back of his mind that thoughts of his accusations,...
Thanks for reading and if there is time i would love to hear any view or opinions on my post... Thankyou

PS any one have statistics onm my child chance of illness with a father and a grandfather having schizo

[spiritual_emergency]

sadeyes: i am not asking for a diagnosis just a bit of advice fom an experienced person that understands , I am just curious if the behavior i describe is that of a paranoid schizo if I wanna make sure if i do stand by I am properly informed.

Hello sadeyes. I think that for many people, if they encounter a behavior that doesn't make sense to them, something that seems irrational to them or very much out of the ordinary, they say to themselves, "This is crazy". They then go looking for answers and because they think that "schizophrenia" is the professional label for "crazy" that might be one of the places they start.

Based on what you have said thus far about your boyfriend, it sounds as if he believes you have cheated on him and he punishes you for this belief. When people have a belief that isn't true, we call that a delusion but delusions are surprisingly common -- there are a lot of people who believe a lot of things that aren't true but that doesn't mean they're schizophrenic.

What we can know from your descriptions is that your boyfriend has an immense sense of insecurity in terms of your potential fidelity and that, in your eyes, his lack of faith is unwarranted. It's possible that his belief is rooted in past relationships -- if the last seven girlfriends he had all cheated on him, it might be difficult for him to accept that you haven't and won't. Again, that wouldn't be the equivalent of schizophrenia or psychosis even though it has a paranoid quality to it.

As based on your own reports, your boyfriend also becomes verbally abusive when these fears get a hold of him. This could be a pattern of learned behavior. For example, he may have grown up in a household where he was berated in similar fashion for perceived deficiencies or perhaps his own parents had a dysfunctional relationship that included the reality of infidelity or a similar fear that it would occur, and the children were frequently exposed to their arguments.

You also said he hears voices when you are on the phone but if I understood you correctly, he thinks he hears voices from the location you are speaking from and as a result, believes you are with someone else when you are away from him. I may be wrong but I don't believe that's consistent with the "schizophrenic" experience of hearing voices.

It's only fair to note that all of the above can be strongly impacted by drug or alcohol use. For example, if your boyfriend only becomes verbally abusive after he's had a few drinks, that may be related to an entirely different sort of problem.

The truth is, it takes time and hopefully, an extensive degree of insight into an individual's personal history and their current behaviors before any sort of diagnosis can be made. I couldn't possibly tell you if your boyfriend is schizophrenic or not. However, I can recognize that there are problems and I can recognize that you are likely to benefit from a network of support, for you, for your boyfriend, and for your child to be.

~ Namaste

[embracinglife]

my thoughts are with you sadeyes.

[mgran]

Originally Posted by sadeyes11

Thankyou for your reply, i honestly appreciate the advice , I will take it into consideration. you are very kind to to provide me with a logical answer without judgement . Thankyou..
I know its impossible to know if he can change. and i am not asking for a diagnosis just a bit of advice fom an experienced person that understands , I am just curious if the behavior i describe is that of a paranoid schizo if I wanna make sure if i do stand by I am properly informed. I will insist on professional help before the baby is here. I will never put a child in danger.
I know things sound very bad and yes they are but i just am not ready to give up . I honestly feel like he is a good person and its worth trying.actions will soon show. i would like to make sure he gets help . I guess i have to let go of his hand if he doesnt follow thru????
One mor ? what does a person with mental illness really feel when they insult and put down?? Is it hate, hurt,disgust, rage , nothing?? do they actually believe that such rediculous things are being done. I want him to know im faithful i would never give myself to anyone else . when they say they hate and wish u never met and . I cant imagine how one can love so hard and intense to hating the same way .Is he capable of even loving or is it all manipulation? Can he ever know truly what he has done. is there any point in trying to make him see or will he always have in the back of his mind that thoughts of his accusations,...
Thanks for reading and if there is time i would love to hear any view or opinions on my post... Thankyou

PS any one have statistics onm my child chance of illness with a father and a grandfather having schizo

Dear Sadeyes.
Having been pregnant myself in less than perfect circumstances, I can really sympathise with you. Pregnancy is challenging enough, without extra complications. I agree with SpiritualEmergency, you need to put yourself and your baby first. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't care for your boyfriend, and help him when you can... but remember how important you are too.
You ask about what he may be feeling when he says horrible things to you, and whether he believes them. I don't know what condition your boyfriend is suffering from, whether it is just a response to the stress of having a baby, or wether it is more severe, but when I was ill I sometimes said things that I deeply and painfully regret... and I do remember that when I believed and thought these things the emotion that was uppermost in me was fear. I didn't hate the people I verbally abused, I was frightened that they hated me, or that they were talking behind my back, or that they were laughing at me. They were people that I wanted to love, and to be loved by, and my greatest fear was that I wasn't worthy of that love, and that secretly they despised me.
When you talk about your boyfriend hearing voices while you're on the phone... again, I remember that when I heard people talking on the phone, I really believed I could hear the other voice, and the conversation was invariably poisonous. I also sometimes heard voices saying bad things about me, and assumed I was psychic, because that was the only way to make sense of it.
I don't want to go on about this too much, because I don't know if your boyfriend experiences things in the way that I did, but I hope I've given you some insight into what might be going on in the mind of someone having these delusions and hallucinations.
The best way I can describe it is... have you ever been delirious, or had a series of terrible nightmares? Imagine if you couldn't switch it off when you were awake. Part of me knew that something wasn't right, but when I was extremely bad I couldn't make that distinction between truth and imagination. What propelled me was fear, not hate, even though sometimes I was very hateful indeed.

[sadeyes11]

Thankyou so much. Iam very heppy to have these resposes. I welcome all advice and points of view, THANKYOU !!!!!!!!