[costello]

I'm beyond exhausted. The pdoc lowered the dose on Nov. 2 to 5 mg. My son is thrilled and says he's thinking more clearly, and in some ways he is. But in others his thinking has deteriorated badly. And he's very angry all the time.

I really try to hold it together, but it's exhausting. So I need more rest, but I'm getting less. There have been very few nights in the last 2 or 3 weeks when I've had enough sleep.

I'm just falling apart from exhaustion. I feel like I'm taking care of him, and no one is taking care of me. I need him to get out so I can have a haven where I can get away and recharge my batteries. Unfortunately that would leave him no where safe to go.

He was just talking a couple of nights ago about his fears that he will have a relapse. This time of year seems to be bad for him. It's almost always going into winter that he starts becoming psychotic. Three days from now will be the second anniversary of his suicide attempt. He was saying he just wants to make it past Jan. 1 without some kind of serious incident. But we're going to have an incident if I can't get some rest. I believe it's that serious. My ability to stay emotionally regulated is key to him staying on an even keel. And I really don't think I can hold it together much longer. One more little thing is going to set me off.

Last night he needed to talk something through. It was past my bedtime, and I was already exhausted so I told him I needed to sleep. I probably cut the conversation off sooner than I should. Then this morning he turned the kitchen light on at 5 am - waking me up. I confess I started screaming. And he screamed back.

We have the weekend coming up, and I hate it. I hate being joined at the hip with someone who takes and takes and takes and seldom gives anything back.

[costello]

He's also virtually stopped eating. All he's had over the last two days is a little canned asparagus.

Oh, and I suggested he raise his medication dosage back to 7.5 for a little while, but he said no.

[mgran]

I'm so sorry Costello. This time last year I got in quite a bad way for the week around Christmas, and I know it was hard on my Dad... and we just visit a few times a year, we don't live together. I can't imagine how stressful this must be for you. Christmas is a tough enough time anyway. It sounds to me like your son's doctor is reducing his meds too quickly... from the sound of it he should go back higher on his meds for a little bit.

Is there any kind of respite care available in the US? Like some kind of safe house your son could stay at for a week? It might be worth asking your doctor. I take it other family aren't very helpful.

[costello]

Originally Posted by mgran

It sounds to me like your son's doctor is reducing his meds too quickly... from the sound of it he should go back higher on his meds for a little bit.

I agree, but I don't know how to make that happen. I'll leave a message with his doctor today. He has an appointment with him on Dec. 6.

Is there any kind of respite care available in the US? Like some kind of safe house your son could stay at for a week?

No.

I take it other family aren't very helpful.

They would help if they could, but everyone else is dealing with their own issues.

I'm about to leave the house for work right now. I've packed an overnight bag in case I need to stay elsewhere tonight. I'll ask the doggie day care to board the dog over the weekend, so she won't be a concern.

I'd love to just check into a bed and breakfast with a stack of paperback novels for the weekend. But I can't afford it. Also I'm concerned, because my son and I had a tiny argument Wednesday evening - far smaller than the one this morning - and he told me that all day Thursday he was getting more and more suspicious of me. Separation doesn't help after these incidents. It just makes paranoia grow if it's not dealt with immediately.

[missbelle]

Be firm and get that Dr. on the phone or go to his office, and sit there till he sees you! Then you tell that Dr. you cannot handle him any longer and you are going crazy yourself. Tell him you need a placement for this son ASAP and that he can no longer stay in your home one more nite. Then call , depending on where you are "Adult Protective" and tell them exactly the same thing

I had a bi-polar daughter like that. It was a nightmare everyday as you never knew what to expect from her. She also refused any meds.I actually rented a room for her about a mile from my home. It was worth every penny then. I saw her at least six times a week and still took her places that she needed to go.She now is 31, still without meds but doing better.

I totally understand how things are and how you are feeling

You must stand your ground and be firm and tell these Dr's etc you can't handle this anymore!!

thinking of you;
Dee

[Tsunamisurfer]

(((((Costello))))) (a very long distance, helpless but well meaning hug)

[costello]

Thanks, Dee. It isn't the doctor's fault here. I've been supporting my son's decision to lower his medication. I'm sure the pdoc would put the dosage back up if necessary. And I'm all for raising it a bit - at least for a while. The sticking point is my son. He doesn't want to raise it, and I'm not willing to force the point. But we may have reached the point where if he chooses to stay on the lower dose, he's going to have to find somewhere else to live. If I say that, though, I'm essentially saying he has to raise the dose, because there is nowhere else for him.

Originally Posted by missbelle

I had a bi-polar daughter like that. It was a nightmare everyday as you never knew what to expect from her.

Yes, that's my experience too. I never know what I'm going to meet when I get home from work. And there doesn't seem to be a direct connection between our prior interaction. The evening before could have been great, but I get home to find him surly and angry. Or the evening before might have been horrible, but he's calm. There's no predicting.

Then you tell that Dr. you cannot handle him any longer and you are going crazy yourself.

I am indeed going crazy myself.

What makes me sad is that basically he's doing well. He's processing anger, learning how to handle it better. We've been discussing some of his thinking that I consider to be pre-psychotic - magical ideas or linking up things aren't really related. I would love to continue working this way at this dosage, but I'm exhausted. I'm not a robot or a saint. When I don't get enough sleep and down time I get testy.

He's picked up on the change in me, I think, and he seems to believe there's some deeper meaning to it. He told me that I'm insecure or that I'm keeping something from him. No, it's very simple and straight-forward. I'm tired. I need rest. Why can't I just say "this is what I need, please respect that" and have him do it?

I also can't get any space when I'm feeling angry. He insists on being in my face until I blow up. Why can't I just say "back off now and let me calm down" and have him back off?

He seems to have a great deal of awareness that things can get bad if he has no support. And he knows I'm his principle source of support - in his words I'm his "only life line." And he knows that when he starts pushing me away and avoiding me, it inevitably leads to another episode. Always. It's the strongest predicter that he's headed south. This time, though, I think I'm going to be the one pushing him away.

I think he knows he's not doing well, because almost every day now he says at least once, "I just have to keep talking to you, and I'll be alright." But I'm useless to him if I'm in a state of emotional upheaval. His ability to regulate himself right now is heavily dependent on my ability to stay regulated. And I'm too tired. So I withdraw to give myself some space and he starts having paranoid thoughts.

Oh, what a mess! And all because I can't get any respite.

[costello]

I left a long message on the pdoc's voice mail. I tried to convey the urgency of the situation without sparking an overreaction.

I don't know what the answer is. I think 5 mg would be the right dosage for right now - if it weren't for the fact that it's killing me.

[Shoe]

Sorry to hear of your distress with your living arrangement and your son Costello. I think that missbelle gave you some great advice. Personally, I try to cultivate an outlook that there is always a solution when confronted with a difficult situation. Try and hang in there and hopefully you will find the right people to aid you with your dilemma.

Wishing you and your son the Best, Shoe

[KUREHA]

Sorry you're having a hard time.
Maybe take a break with your son, just for a weekend or whatever. Or do something different together.

[costello]

Originally Posted by KUREHA

Sorry you're having a hard time.
Maybe take a break with your son, just for a weekend or whatever. Or do something different together.

That's actually a really good idea. I was thinking we could take a break from each other, but a break with each other might be better.

I wish I were stronger or smarter or something. I hope the pdoc has some ideas that give us both what we need without "stopping the growth" as my son would say.

[costello]

I just had the most amazing phone call from my son. I explained how exhausted I am - which I don't think he fully understood. And he explained his point of view. And we agreed that we need to make this situation work in order for him to continue moving along with this process. I have a huge amount of hope right now. Just the fact that he was able to initiate that conversation is incredibly mature and healthy. I'm not sure how many so-called "sane" people would have been able to handle it so gracefully.

Anyway I think we each felt like we were heard by the other. We have the same goal - to get my son mentally healthy and on his feet. And we both agree that if that's to happen, we both need to be cared for.

[costello]

Heard from the pdoc. Unfortunately I missed the call, but he left a message. I get the feeling his gut instinct is to raise the dosage. He agrees that I need to maintain my sanity as well. This pdoc is definitely not a pill-pusher. He wants to find the lowest effective dose for my son. He says it sounds like my son is "right on that edge." The whole thing makes me sad, because I really had hoped that one day my son would be off the meds altogether, but it's not looking promising at this point. Even my son is no longer interested in going below 5 mg. But it's starting to look like 5 mg isn't high enough.

I did leave a second message for him after my son's call this morning. I told him I thought I could press on and continue supporting him at the 5 mg dose.

We'll see.

[costello]

Well, I've kicked him out. I just can no longer stand the rages he flies into over nothing. I tiptoe around trying not to offend him, but inevitably I use a slightly wrong tone or say something that "annoys" him, and he begins screaming and swearing. The other day I had the nerve to say, "How was your day?" when I got home! How dare I?!? Then today I asked him to pick up an empty pill bottle from the kitchen floor. That earned me a shove and being called a "stupid f'ing b!tch."

I'm sorry you're struggling Costello. I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to say that I really hope you two can work it out, that you can get some much-needed rest, and that your son doesn't start to relapse.



Wishing you all the best,

*Willow*

[RunningEagleRuns]

I can understand how your son is angry all the time. When my symptoms were bad i was angry all the time too. Good luck, tell him people understand what hes going through.

[KUREHA]

Sorry you felt you had to do that - Hope things work out soon
Is your son ok?

[mgran]

I'm sorry your son pushed you, and has been angry at you all the time. You did the right thing, though it's the very hard thing to do. I know mothers who are utterly ground down and destroyed by their adult sons (particularly sons for some reason) who treat them as nothing more than maids and skivies. You deserve more than that.

Also, it may be that he'll react badly, and try to blame you for any future problems he has. It's likely that he'll decompensate (you've said in the past this time of year is particularly bad for him.) If that happens do NOT blame yourself... if it happens it was going to happen anyway. He's already been treating you irrationally and violently. At least this way you won't be walking in fear in your own home.

I've been very irrational and angry myself the last few days, so I know how he feels too. But the fact is, if he won't fight to prevent himself from treating you badly, then you have the right to protect yourself. I'm not saying that he would be deliberately harmful or violent, but emotionally you've got a right not to be treated like dirt.

Hope you're doing okay.

[Gr3tta]

I'm so sad for you Costello, because I know you've tried so hard. I know you care for and love your son very much, and it must hurt so much to have him behave in such a way, and for you to be forced to make this decision. It's wonderful that you've cared for your son so well, but you can't allow yourself to be abused by him, even if you know his behavior is due to illness. I haven't personally lived in a care facility before, but my gf lived in adult foster care for several years, and it absolutely saved her relationship to her mother. I hope this will be a good change for both of you.