[louisax]

i feel really needy posting this but i'm too scared to seek professional help :/

i suppose i started thinking that my life is an experiment, that there are some kind
of scientists testing my reactions from my day to day life.. it's kinda hard to
explain.. like my life isn't actually real? so what i can see is the only part in the
world right now, say what i can't see, e.g behind me right now is nothing because i'm
not looking at it.. i can't really explain it :/ and it isn't just for me, there are
millions of versions of myself in the same experiment - only in different realities
so they can test my reactions for everything
but i started thinking like that about last year and it made me so scared that i made
a deal with the scientist people to stop making me think about that and not put me
into any terrifying situations if i would just go along with their experiment
that worked for a while, but i started thinking about it again and i kind of began to
pray to them, as if they were my god or something - like i kept a diary telling them
my thoughts and thanking them for not giving me the bad life some of the other
versions of me might have
when i'm sitting outside or just in a vunerable place, i'm always nervous someone is
aiming at me with a sniper or something
a while ago i was completely convinced my own father was sexually abusing me and then
re-winding time so only he could remember doing it. my mum was out once and he came
downstairs and i almost stabbed him i was so scared! i didn't because i'm just not
sure what i believe is real - if it isn't then i've got nothing to lose, i could go
on some murdering rampage and it wouldn't matter but i don't think i ever could
because in case it's not true and then i would have just murdered a bunch of people!
i think that's why i'm so hesitant to seek real medical help - if someone sees me as
a threat to people and lock me away or put me on some medication to kill me or
something ):
i'm always scared my thoughts are being broadcasted to everyone, and i'm certain a
lot of people in my friendship group secretly hate me. if i go out with someone and
they send me a text, i'm always certain it will say something along the lines of 'i
hate you and i never want to see you again' or 'i can't believe you did that you
*****' even if i've done nothing wrong i start questioning everything i did that
could possibly offend them - probably why i say sorry so much :s i do know i'm very
worried of what people think about me so that's probably it i hope
whenever someone comes to my house i'm always thinking they're left some kind of
camera to record me and i'm being watched in every room they went into without me
i do realise i'm not reaslly hearing voices or having hallucinations - i guess i
always see things getting closer when they're not moving or seeing different things
in the corner of my eyes but i'm sure that's just a common thing

i know i have OCD with numbers and rituals, if that's connected to my thoughts
i'm probably just being stupid and self-diagnosing myself when there isn't anything
wrong with me.. there can't be haha
it's just that if what i believe is true then there isn't any point in posting this
because control (the scientists) are making me believe i should and argh it's hard to
explain i just don't want it to be
i've considered suicide because of it, but then again if i'm just being stupid then i
would have killed myself when there are people who care about me
i don't want to self harm, although i feel like i need to.. i just don't want people
to see and then me not being able to explain and then people thinking i'm just being
this attention ***** who cuts herself so people see and ask her what's wrong

please someone answer
i'm so scared! :/

i realize there are people with much worse issues but i just want an answer for this
really really sorry if i'm just being another stupid teenage hypochondriac wasting your time

[jk2833]

Hi Louisax I wanted to reply as I really dislike it when a post for help is un answered,firstly your not wasting anybody's time,what you are feeling and experiencing are real to you and whilst some may not understand believe me there will be many people out there who do, and will be going through the exact same thing as yourself.
I would advise that you go and see your family doc firstly, and don't be afraid it's what they are there for to help their patients,and don't think that because you are a teenager you won't be taken seriously,because you will. Explain everything you've wrote in this post or print it out if it's easier for you and let the doc read it,believe me I was once a teen with such thoughts as yours and I wish Id asked to see a doc sooner rather than waiting years later.
I can only advise you as I'm not a professional but I wish you the best of health and let me know how you get on.
Take care
Jk2833

[volatile]

What gets me about a lot of these things is you could learn to calm your mind and actually change how you react to these thoughts. I'm kind of surprised your therapist (or anyone for that matter) hasn't told you about anything like that considering you have ocd.
I have had thoughts like yours and when they happen to me now they don't even scare me much anymore, and I'm actually having less and less of them too, all because of learning how to change the way I think and how I react.
If you have OCD these thoughts are definitely connected. You really need to get more help for your OCD or this will only get worse. A cognitive behavioral therapist is a VERY good thing to look into but first you need to talk to a parent about these thoughts, maybe not in detail but at least try to get someone you feel you can trust to help you out.

[Tsunamisurfer]

I have to admit there are times (like now) where I feel more able to control my thinking, and put aside intrusive thoughts.
But there have been times where other people's thoughts were so loud that I couldn't shut them out. Visions of what is about to happen can become so forceful and real that they are as easy to ignore as being in an actual car crash. Your body experiences the trauma as if it is actually happening to you. I don't think any amount of talk therapy helped me in those times. My therapist actually refused to continue with sessions until I was subdued on neuroleptic meds.

Hi Louisax,

I think you need to talk to someone trustworthy to help you understand what you are feeling and thinking.

I believe you are scared. I wish I could help more. I get scared sometimes too. I'm 44. The superman thing is a myth, you need to understand this. The super tough biker gangbanger type end up in a cage, I don't think you want their fate.

Life is worth the effort, It has been for me.

Good luck to you along your journey, brook.

[louisax]

thank you everyone for replying to me! i asked my dad and i am meeting a therapist on wednesday (: thank you again xxx