[Tonyh]

I will write something here that Ihave never told anyone. And I have never been to a doctor to be diagnosed. But here is my story.

I have always believed I have some sort of super power to change events. If anyone upsets me I believe I can focus on them and change the outcome, or have something bad happen to them. I have always seen imaginary being, as a kid they were monsters in my room, and they are either working with me, or always going against me. Mostly against me and I have to focus my super power to hold them away. I have no friends, because I have always eventually shunned them away. They always become someone I cant trust. No matter how many times I tell myself these are crazy thoughts, I rely on them to help me get by.
I know people think I'm a little crazy, or a little bit off, but I play it as if I'm just crazy funny. I work in an ofice so I keep the air of proffesionalism, but in my mind I'm a mess.
I am obviously conscious of what I am doing, since I am writing this, but the moment something upsets me, I become someone else. Someone that no one can ever mess with. The main problem is that I can't control when that happens, so the people around me don't know what type of mood I will be in.

I've tried many times to see a doctor about this, but I can never get one to see me, and my regular doctor will slip me some prozac. the pills tend to shut my mind down, so yes I can be more relaxed, but no where near as effective in life.

Help

[JeremyMG2009]

None of us are permitted to diagnose anyone. You need to see a doctor or psychiatrist to find out. I would suggest going to a mental hospital to start out because they have to treat you there (and will get you on anti-psychotics if they think you have schizophrenia) and they will get you resources on how to go about getting a psychiatrist to give you medicines.

[Gigabyte]

As Jeremy said, none of us can diagnose you. I think it would be a good idea to go see a doctor or psychiatrist and discuss your symptoms with them.

[Tonyh]

I avoid the hospital, as their default move is to lock you up while diagnosing. And finding a psychiatrist that is taking new patients is like winning the lottery, it seems. I've tried a few times and given up out of frustration.
I know you can't diagnose, but what I was curious about is do those signs describe someone who might be schizophrenic? That has been me my entire life, but I hide it so that I can function in society.

[fishsandwich]

What it is depends on who you ask. A psychiatrist will probably find it a label. A religious person will probably call it a gift/test/whatever from some spiritual being. A layperson will call it "a bit weird".

I'm not big on labels, can you tell?
Incidentally, we sound quite similar except I hear voices too.

[SQLVR]

Sorry your going through such a hard time Have you told your primary doctor that you are looking to see a psychiatrist? They can usually give you a referral to someone they know is taking new patients.

[Tonyh]

I hear voices, though not audible. I hear them in my head. Problem is I answer them a lot, or argue because they upset me, and someone sees me.
I've dealt with this for a long time, and have accepted its how I have to live. But I would sure love to live a peaceful life. One without scary visions and thoughts.

[Tonyh]

SQLVR, no I haven't I feel completely awkward giving him, or anyone, this much detail. I do so here because I am anonymous. But how do I explain to anyone that I have lived this many years like this? Normally people get treated.
I unfortunately told my mom, when I was about 10, that I saw demons and heard voices telling me to kill myself, and a few times grabbed larged knives and started to jab myself in the stomach. She, not knowing how to handle this, told me I needed to go to church. We were poor and she didn't understand psychiatric treatment. But now its up to me to find a cure.

[thickntired]

Hi,

Sorry you are having a bad time. Just a note - when I went to the doctor manic I asked if I was schizophrenic. I was sure that was my diagnosis but turns out I'm bipolar.

Good Luck

Peace,

TnT

[SQLVR]

Originally Posted by Tonyh

I hear voices, though not audible. I hear them in my head. Problem is I answer them a lot, or argue because they upset me, and someone sees me.
I've dealt with this for a long time, and have accepted its how I have to live. But I would sure love to live a peaceful life. One without scary visions and thoughts.

I can relate a lot to your symptoms, and also feeling awkward about telling anyone. I feel embarrassed tell my therapsit about the voices and demons, but I think its helpful to get it out to someone, posting here is a great first step

[Tonyh]

Has that helped you? I mean, is all that gone with some therapy or help?
I'm going to hunker down and ask my doc for a refferal.

[JeremyMG2009]

Originally Posted by Tonyh

I hear voices, though not audible. I hear them in my head. Problem is I answer them a lot, or argue because they upset me, and someone sees me.
I've dealt with this for a long time, and have accepted its how I have to live. But I would sure love to live a peaceful life. One without scary visions and thoughts.

you are not alone, although I don't see things.

[Tonyh]

Hey I just noticed that "do you have schizophrenia" test above. The questions are uncanny! I scored 65.

[SQLVR]

Originally Posted by Tonyh

Has that helped you? I mean, is all that gone with some therapy or help?
I'm going to hunker down and ask my doc for a refferal.

Good for you!

it has helped to have someone to talk to. it does not make it go away though, meds can help with that.I personally dont take meds because of the side effects , but thats not to say that they wont help you. I hope it works out for you.

[RunningEagleRuns]

good luck. !!

[MeaningmakingNYC]

By posting in the forum, you seem to be saying that you would like to be understood, on your own terms. What is the main problem as you see it, I wonder? You say that you become someone else when something upsets you. Is becoming someone else the problem? Or is the problem that other people around you aren't prepared for this change in you and don't know how to react to you? Or is it something else?

[Tonyh]

Basically I remain conscious of what I might be putting someone else through with a sudden mood swing or personality change. Some guilt I guess. I gues I get paranoid that others are looking at me as being strange and talking about me. I'm very sensitive about anyone saying I'm weird in a joking way, because I have a feeling I am.
SQLVR, I was on meds years ago. But stopped because of side effects. They did not stop the visions, but kept me from getting to upset about it. Took away anxiety I guess. So they worked to relieve the symptoms. But.. they also made me very slow in the thinking process and any desires to do things like go out or socialise. I didn't want to live so secluded. I work in the tech field, and have to analyse and think quickly. I can't afford to be in a numb state.
Yes MeaningmakingNYC, I would like very much to be understood and have someone here this without making me feel like a lepar. Talking about it here is helpful, and I thank you all.

[Tonyh]

MeaningmakingNYC, to answer your question more fully. Its becoming someone else. I'm not happy feeling that I might be strange (according to normal society). Its that conversation with the people I see, especially after I become upset, that I would like to remove. After becoming upset, I usualy have to go into an empty room so I can continue my conversation without someone seeing me. I have to worry about getting caught and having to explain who I was talking to, which I have had to a few times.
Hec I'll be happy hearing that everyone does this. But I have never walked in on someone talking to an imaginary person. So I have to imagine its not normal.