[newtus]

ive been thinking...

...this diagnosis...

now im on disability...
now people my age are pretty much everywhere...
now i dont really have to work....even though i still didnt have to anyway...

what the hell do i do with my life? my days?

god...i mean..i expect more breakdowns. im not gonna go say "i hope i dont" - "i think ill be fine" - " i wish _____". no...its safe to say ill def have more breakdowns.

[Freefall1974]

Hi Newtus. I have read some of your posts but I know nothing about you. But I wanted you to know I was thinking about you right now. You seem to always post such thoughtful, insightful replies and I am sure it is what you will recieve. As I get older I wonder the same thing, hoping that I just accept it just I have the way my skin has changed, or the way my body shape has changed,or how I get tired more easily. When I had extended time off and was bored beyond belief I tried to volunteer for something I enjoyed, which was socializing animals at a local animal shelter. Just sitting around with stray kitties and puppies, trying to show them someone cares. It is so easy to do with animals. I am paying to learn that in RL with people. Hmm.

[costello]

Yeah, I think a lot of people have these same thoughts when they first get on disability. One of the best things for your mental health is some kind of productive work. It gives you something to do, distracts you from your thoughts, etc., etc., etc. But, let's face it, most of us wouldn't work if we didn't have to bring home the bacon and pay the rent.

One of my fantasies is winning the lottery. Finally my son told me that he "won the lottery" when he got on disability, and it's not that great.

I don't have an answer, but I don't think you're alone with this. How do you fill up a life when you're idle? This is why I think going to school, getting a job, or volunteer work is a good idea. So far my son hasn't been able to do any of those, but I think it's a good goal. Sitting on the couch, smoking, and watching tv is no life.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by costello

Sitting on the couch, smoking, and watching tv is no life.

thats similar to my days.
except i cant sit. i pace.
in circles. cause i dont go out.
i couldnt watch tv if someone paid me.
i cant pay attention very well. but thats part of the cognitive symptoms i was told. ive also been told they cant really do anything about it. psychdocs i mean.

i ordered some natural smokes online.

[newtus]

im also not sure i can do this school thing cause my attention and understanding issues. im slow and inattentive.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Freefall1974

Hi Newtus. I have read some of your posts but I know nothing about you. But I wanted you to know I was thinking about you right now. You seem to always post such thoughtful, insightful replies and I am sure it is what you will recieve. As I get older I wonder the same thing, hoping that I just accept it just I have the way my skin has changed, or the way my body shape has changed,or how I get tired more easily. When I had extended time off and was bored beyond belief I tried to volunteer for something I enjoyed, which was socializing animals at a local animal shelter. Just sitting around with stray kitties and puppies, trying to show them someone cares. It is so easy to do with animals. I am paying to learn that in RL with people. Hmm.

thank you. im glad someone else cares you know?

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by newtus

im also not sure i can do this school thing cause my attention and understanding issues. im slow and inattentive.

Newtus, I'm not sure if this is the same thing, but . . . . you're really knowledgeable and articulate on these forums. Always posting long, science-y info for other people and talking about philosophy and such. Are you so sure that you're so slow and inattentive?

[newtus]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Newtus, I'm not sure if this is the same thing, but . . . . you're really knowledgeable and articulate on these forums. Always posting long, science-y info for other people and talking about philosophy and such. Are you so sure that you're so slow and inattentive?

i dont know any science. or real philosophy yet. but thanks.

i really am.
it shows too on my records.
ive taken four (almost straight) years of college and only passed one class.
thats around 58 hours and i only got 3.
ive been through college counselors and regular ones with mental health. and to be honest i am wasting my time in college i know this. but i need something to fill my time with. idk what to say.

if i was like you id be at a position YOU are. but im not.

this is also half the reason why im on disability. AND IM NOT GETTING TREATED FOR IT. AND IM PISSED OFF ABOUT IT. i took a med that helped and they TOOK ME OFF IT.

im not retarded. but you obviously know what im saying with this dx.
thats why i say dont judge a book by its cover so to speak. im not saying im stupid but...i hate when i have to pull out this kind of ive-got-records talk. im tired of this s--t. i dont claim to know everything about myself but i know certain things i cant do so well by now. and its not just school. the slow and inattentiveness is HALF the reason i CANT DO A JOB. thats partly why i signed up for disability. i wrote this issue down on paper when they sent papers to me. amongst other things im afraid to admit cause authoritive people will see.
i know what everyones thinking "whyd i sign up" tbh idk cause im not even getting a degree anymore im just passing my days now.

every f--king TIME i do school i have a bad episode. bad like hospital. but wtf do i do all day?
ive been in the hospital 2x this year already against my will.
im f--king SICK OF THIS S--T. tired of it. been on here too long.
i dont want false hope anymore. i JUST want someone to empathize or sympathize.
thats all.

[newtus]

i probably need to delete my account.
i ruffle up too my feathers everywhere i go.
i ruin stuff.

[Freefall1974]

Originally Posted by newtus

i probably need to delete my account.
i ruffle up too my feathers everywhere i go.
i ruin stuff.

To which account are you referring? Bank? Cable? Surely not THIS "account". I can't see where feathers are ruffled. Or anything ruined. This is a great place for you to be.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by newtus

i dont know any science. or real philosophy yet. but thanks.

God, I'm not even sure the "real philosophers" knew any philosophy. Lots of them were priests and mathematicians.

Originally Posted by newtus

i really am.
it shows too on my records.
ive taken four (almost straight) years of college and only passed one class.
thats around 58 hours and i only got 3.
ive been through college counselors and regular ones with mental health. and to be honest i am wasting my time in college i know this. but i need something to fill my time with. idk what to say.

if i was like you id be at a position YOU are. but im not.

I wasn't suggesting you were like me at all, just that you come across as really knowledgeable here You know, it took me six years to get my law degree, which is supposed to take three years - eh? We all move at our own pace.

Also, school isn't the only thing in the world. It happens to be what I'm good at. There is lots of stuff you can do with your days, whether that's paid employment or hobbies or whatever, that doesn't involve book learning.

Originally Posted by newtus

this is also half the reason why im on disability. AND IM NOT GETTING TREATED FOR IT. AND IM PISSED OFF ABOUT IT. i took a med that helped and they TOOK ME OFF IT.

Bleeding idiots, the lot of them.

Originally Posted by newtus

i know what everyones thinking "whyd i sign up" tbh idk cause im not even getting a degree anymore im just passing my days now.

I wasn't thinking that at all. First, you don't have to take classes JUST to get a degree -- in fact, taking classes just for some paper at the end of it is probably the worst reason to study. Second, if you want to sign up, it's your prerogative!


Sorry, I'm trying to empathise but I'm not sure how to make it come across in writing.

[RunningEagleRuns]

good luck Newtus

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Freefall1974

To which account are you referring? Bank? Cable? Surely not THIS "account". I can't see where feathers are ruffled. Or anything ruined. This is a great place for you to be.

I meant this account.

See thing is I try really hard to talk to at least someone online who'll listen to me what I go through. Most people I meet online or if I meet someone in person haven't been through the stuff I have. I mean been through the system in extreme ways 3 or 4 or 5 times and more or the traumas I have. THOSE people are pretty severe OR really bad off whatever people wanna call it and I know they mostly aren't on places like this so its hard to find someone that will understand even close to my issues. I have no idea where they are oh well. Articulation and knowledge the way I speak or don't speak means nothing when I'm in treatment and being cared for under programs for people who are severe and severely high risk of episodes. I mean that's how I live that's my life... And I know to an extent it has to be that way...because some people may get better but as I get older...I get worse...ok...?

Didn't mean to use this post to rant its supposed to be seperate sorry

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

i probably need to delete my account.
i ruffle up too my feathers everywhere i go.
i ruin stuff.

I honestly don't think you've ever come close to ruffling feathers here, newtus. Not that I can remember anyway.

[newtus]

i just thuoght i did cause i cuss at people and stuff. but im not cussing at any individual. im cursing society.

[newtus]

right now i feel a deep physical sickness...churning...in my stomach and on my nerves.
its hard to take certain things in when i have to read in depth about this illness. im being pushed right now to goto therapy and im not really going to do it. i can not take it right now and feeling as if i have to vomit. oh and if the dsm is deleting schizoaffective where does that leave my help at? who knows.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by newtus

oh and if the dsm is deleting schizoaffective where does that leave my help at?

is that what's been troubling you? the ssa is not driven by the dsm. you are not your diagnosis. you have a sore tooth or whatever, no matter what they decide to call it, get me?

[newtus]

im not troubled by that. i was jw.

WHAT I AM TROUBLED BY IS ...idk. everytime i think of this s--t...this..whats on me...i hate saying that word it makes me sick. THAT DX IS WHAT MAKES ME SICK. ITS WHAT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT. THAT and the fact that THIS IS MY LIFE. MY LIFE IS HOPELESS BECAUSE I FOREVER AM CHURNED BY THIS DX. THE SYMPTOMS OF IT. MEDICATION BARELY HELPS ME. THATS WHY IM SICK OF PEOPLE TELLING I DONT SUFFER AS MUCH THAT I ONLY HAVE DEPRESSION WITH BITS OF PSYCHOSIS - SO IM NOT AS BAD OFF. AND SOME OF THESE PEOPLE WERE PEOPLE I USED TO KNOW IN REALITY. OFFLINE. NOT IN THIS ONLINE WORLD. AND THEN SOME ARE ONLINE. THE PSYCHOSIS AND THE STIGMA KILLS ME SO THEN I DO GET DEPRESSED. I AM SICK OF SOCIETY. I HATE PEOPLE. I HATE PEOPLE. I HATE PEOPLE.

[meganmf15]

I believe that a very caring and knowledgeable therapist would help you learn to cope better with your illness.

Best wishes,
Pam

[newtus]

Originally Posted by meganmf15

I believe that a very caring and knowledgeable therapist would help you learn to cope better with your illness.

Best wishes,
Pam

how do they do that?

every since i got this dx ive been to 2 or so therapists in person that have turned me down cause i had it. maybe because i wasnt on meds. but a couple more that turned me down by phone because the dx.

is it even worth it to have a therapist with a psychotic disorder attached to you?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by newtus

is it even worth it to have a therapist with a psychotic disorder attached to you?

you know an old time shrink wrote a book "my work with sz". it's very highly regarded. there are a lot of people still actively researching it. I have a 2nd cousin studying it on a grant. With your intelligence, you may be more important than you realize. have you looked into rsearch projects? maybe you can find an eventual spot for yourself, idk.

[newtus]

hell thats exactly what they WANT me to do. do an mkultra research project and make me braindead.

[unaluna]

well then that's the wrong project! I may be talking out of my butt, let me look into it and i'll get back to you on it. i'm beginning to see why a sz case manager could be helpful, but like I wouldn't trust just anybody, would I?!

[newtus]

Originally Posted by hankster

i'm beginning to see why a sz case manager could be helpful

what do you mean

[fishsandwich]

I know what you mean about not being able to find a therapist that will help people with the DX :-/ I don't really like therapy for the psychosis, either. I only go because I like the therapist, he cheers me up when I'm miserable -- but it's not like he helps me not be miserable or psycho anymore.