Saturday, June 19, 2010

For some reason I prefer to not be sober lately. Every morning I have a choice. The new day comes and it is a new opportunity for me to change my life. The sun rises, the world turns. It would be wonderful to realize the mercy that I may freely take advantage of. To take grace it at it's word. Instead; I repeat the same day over and over and over. I am a slave to alcohol and drugs.

My name is Glinda. I am an alcoholic. I am a substance abuser. I really don't know why. All the way. I just seem to prefer not to be sober. Of course this bothers me and my family. I don't know where to begin. Perhaps I find life too depressing. Perhaps I am afraid of what may come. Perhaps, I am terrified of what lies in the past, unable to cope with what life has dished out thus far. Not sure completely; but I know I just don't want to be sober anymore.

I have no motivation whatsoever. There is not light or joy, only pain and misery. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to leave this house. The only joy I find in life is ridden with guilt and regret. I want to be alone, so I can drink and smoke without anyone judging me. This is the closest lifestyle to suicide, I believe. I would never kill myself, because I know first-hand the utter grief and unspeakable sorrow that it bestows upon everyone that you have placed your presence upon. But this lifestyle is just like pushing the pause button on a tape over and over again. I don't want to compose a new song, and I don't want to hear the song that I just listened to. Ever again.

Good thing I am surrounded by crippled people and enablers. I am crippled, and an enabler. I wear both invisible badges myself. I justify my actions with innumerable hurts and wounds. I accuse others of their weaknesses to remind them that they are not saints, they have no reason to notice my demise. No reason to point out my fallibleness. I am a good person, right?

I pay my bills. I clean my house. I take care of my kids. I am a shoulder to cry on. I am fun. I am as pretty as I can be. Excellence is no where. It is not true. It betrays you every time you think that you are the best. There is always someone better. There always will be.

These justifications are obviously trite in comparison to the ridiculous right that they are attempting to support. Any idiot could spot it. Even me. I am not so blind that I do not recognize the age old habit forming solo. There can be no solace in the fact that life sucks; so you should be "on that lean" 24/7. Where is God Almighty, The Great I Am; in all this? Is this a godless situation in which the Lord of all creation does not understand what is going on? I have pondered the same thing countless times......

I had a dream a few years ago. I was 19 then. I was a new mother, and a new wife. In the dream and in real life, I was healthy. I had just broken out of a prison of decrepit debauchery. I was in a shack. In the shack there was a stout dike-looking woman. She was behind a wooden bar. I was an observer. The woman was taken out of the shack and led out of the door by an invisible force that made her leave the dwelling. I heard in a peaceful voice, "She is in bondage". She left the building and I saw her no more.

Then I was happy. The woman seemed to be threatening. She had a spiky black collar around her neck. She seemed aggressive and intimidating. Maybe dangerous. I was left alone in the shack. I then saw a choir of young angelic children enter the building from a different entrance than the scary woman exited. They were singing a song of victory, of hope. I watched them and felt fulfilled; I felt like a winner. Just then, at the conclusion scene of the dream; behold, there was a beautiful frosty mixed drink before me, sitting on a shelf. I looked at it in awe, and then I grabbed it and took a luxurious taste. I was happy that the woman was gone, and I was celebrating.

I have since interpreted that dream to wax prophetically. I had been set free from my bondage, and I was deceived into alcoholism thusly. It's roots were laid firmly. Now I am dealing with the reality that the prophecy was true; I have been deceived by alcohol. What I used to think was second rate intoxication compared to drugs, is now my drug of choice. It could happen to me. It happened to me.

It is happening to me. I used to think about alcoholics like "Why don't they just smoke weed?" or "That is disgusting! Why can't they just stop drinking?". But it is actually a little more complicated than that, I have come to find out the hard way. The web that you despise is ironically most often the one you find yourself hopelessly entangled within. That sure helps along with the condemnation. Unfortunately.

There is a fountain, who is a King. Victorious warrior, and Lord of EVERYTHING. He is absolute good. He is innocent and sinless, yet wise and understanding of OUR weaknesses. For some reason I perceive this outburst of rebelliousness and dirty actions to be completely handleable to Him. He still knows who I am, He still knows who you are. Where you are, what you are going through. The brutal honesty in all this stupidity is that God made you; He is not unable to sift out your unruliness and make you into a new creation. To heal all your wounds and forgive all your outrageous sins. The time is near. Draw close to Him, and He will draw close to you.

I still don't know how this will all work out, but I am sure in for a surprise I'm certain. Just when you think you've arrived; your ship may sail away suddenly and you may find yourself up the creek without a paddle. So shall I be saved from my enemies. Well, I will certainly keep yall updated on any new developments in this unfolding saga of life, and you keep me posted too? We are all in this together, weather it be in alcoholism, perversity, hopelessness, and poverty. I love you all...............M E

[Gr3tta]

it can be really easy to convince yourself that nothing is wrong as long as the bills are paid and the household is generally taken care of. but these things are just the surface view, and chances are you can only maintain them for so long. if you really feel that your drinking is a problem, i hope you will seek and accept help in stopping. you are a strong person, and when you are ready for sobriety, i am certain you can achieve it. until then, please keep yourself safe. you deserve it, and your family deserves to have you safe too.

Hi Gr3tta, thank you for your kind insight. I would just like to point out to you the top of this piece, above the title; see the date I wrote this? That was the day I wrote what I was going through. I was going through this on that day.

I have since found out that I can live life on life's terms through complete sobriety. You are absolutely right however. I did not know that my drinking was a "sprout" coming from a deeper "root" so to speak. Once I found that out, I asked the Lord to reveal to me what that root was. I went through alot since that day. I asked Him to pluck the plants of wickedness out of the garden of my heart.

That included the alcohol drinking and the weed smoking. I have been sober from alcohol for 7 months now. I quit smoking cigarettes two months ago. I still struggle with the cigarette cravings. I wear patches to help me overcome them.

I have noticed that it has gotton a lot easier since I did this. My life has dramatically changed for the better. Perhaps I will use this response to your kindness to form a foundation to a "Part 2- I Prefer To Be Sober".

Then I will outline how exactly it is that I have managed to find freedom from substances and keep sober for more than a few weeks. Perhaps it could be helpful for others to realize that we only have to take baby steps, to reach a goal that seems so daunting. One can only hope. Thank you for the encouragement and kind words my dear one.
Your friend forever, Glinda Gail

[Gr3tta]

oh! i did not notice the date. i am so happy for you that you are doing so much better now. that is so wonderful. congratulations on your great success!

I have known many other people who suffer from mental illness that have also had problems with substance abuse. Now that I have found the "trail of breadcrumbs" to sobriety, I thought I'd demonstrate to others who may be suffering the same just exactly how I was able to become free. I also wanted to have my peers know that it is indeed not impossible. I had once believed that it was impossible. But it wasn't. Thank you my friend for the kind encouragement. Sincerely, Glinda Gail