Ever since the day after the ******** with college not going through, I keep hearing this little girl's screaming from far away. For a while I thought it was just child abuse from the nearby projects... And then when I was in the livingroom, I feared it was the kitten but he was always so content when I checked on him. It's so persistent & it's happening more. I hear it even on the busy highway. It's in my head but it feels so far away. This screaming. It's so gentle but it pierces through, but just barely, through my bubble of normalcy. But I know I can't ignore it too much because I'm just deluding myself.

And for months, I'm so paranoid that I somehow KNOW people outside of this forum either in my personal life or in actual real life. I never acknowledged it because I was afraid someone would say something or they'd disappear & I'd have validation... But I post anyway, even though I feel violated or stalked, because I needed to prove myself wrong. I realize now that this is my first real "delusion" because I've had it so long. I'm still worried I'm right. And that I know people here. And people over on psychforums.

I can't sleep. I can't get tired. Today was a bad day because Remus was fine last night, but when I woke up & gave him his first meal of the day? He was so sickly. So weak. His third eyelid wouldn't retract & was obscuring his vision. His breathing was laboured, he was trembling, & he couldn't even jump on the bed or walk around like usual. He wasn't eating or drinking. I thought he was on the verge of death & I somehow had to take him from his misery. But we were finally able to find a 24/7 animal hospital about 10 hours later. We couldn't get all of the tests done but he doesn't have FIV/FIP/FeLV, though he does have a fever & high white bloodcell count... He has antibiotics now. We're going back in two weeks. I think I'm supposed to feel bad, because I only grieved for a few minutes. But I just can't make myself do it.

My headaches are back. The same pain in the same area from my 5-day-long severe migraine. Is it psychosomatic? Does the stress cause the pain or is the pain an underlying cause of my stress? I wish at least one person experienced these things the same way I do... Being in a place surrounded by people I thought were like me is surprisingly secluded.

I am so sorry to hear about this Shay. I wish I could tell you that it will get better. We're all going through the same thing, in different bodies so to speak. You were really here for me in my time of need and I am grateful. You have a friend in me beloved. Yours truly, Lightbulb7

[costello]

I'm sorry things are so dark right now, Shay. Like lightbulb, I wish I could say it will all be okay. I do know that nothing's permanent. This will pass too. I know it doesn't feel that way right now.

My son has been struggling a bit lately too. He has a PRN for his antipsychotic which he can take if it gets too much. I wish you had something that would take the edge off and make it a bit more manageable.

Is there anything at all that can help you sleep? Over the counter sleep aids? Exercise during the day? Expose yourself to bright light early in the day then make your bedroom as dark as possible at night? Melatonin? Benadryl? Diet changes?

This sleep thing seems to be key. Over and over I see lack of sleep at the start of an episode. I don't know which is cause and which effect or if it's some kind of vicious cycle, but it seems important.

Why do you think the little girl is screaming?

I hope Remus recovers. Our little fur friends give us so much pleasure, but they also bring us pain. Don't feel bad that you're not feeling bad enough. I suspect your psyche knows you have enough on your plate already.

Shay

*Willow*

Thank you all for your words of support.

It's not as bad as it sounds. Of course my experiences are strange. And I sounded distressed. But I'm actually quite calm all things considered. I managed to get about 6 hours of sleep, which isn't bad. The insomniac boredom is what probably made it sound more horrible or urgent.
I'm trying REALLY hard to format my post because I really don't have the mind for it now. I always write in run-on sentences that don't flow when I feel surreal. That's the best description of how I feel. Surreal. I'm not entirely real. Nothing around me is entirely real. It's like my impression of everything is... Holographic. It bends with the light.
Had to give in & obtain some more Tramadol, despite my resistance to getting hooked on the SSRI effect. I'm in a bad spot today as far as pain goes. It's an all-out 11. My joints are sore from the oncoming tropical storm, my muscles are sore from exercising/stress, my head still throbs, & I just started my period. So today isn't a bad day, per se. But I'm just glad I still have a backup for days like this. Vlad has been taking good care of me. He doesn't know how psychotic I feel.
Am I really psychotic if I know I'm psychotic? Am I faking? Am I exaggerating, or could this all be real & I just can't tell the difference? I don't know. For the last few days, I've actually been having trouble recognizing my reflection. I came out of the shower the other night & it looked like there was a young man in the mirror. 16 years old, medium length hair that was a little messy, still had a bit of baby weight in his face but wasn't out of shape... I freaked out so bad. Then when I looked back it was me again, only I looked like a still frame from a vogue photoshoot. Really pretty. Airbrushed.
Today hasn't been bad other than the pain. Vlad didn't get much sleep last night either & he has his back problems flaring up as well! I keep feeling like there is something really wrong with him. Like he is possessed or holding some sort of difficult truth or burden that I don't know of. I feel like I need to liberate him but I'm not sure how! It's infuriating. But I'm trying not to focus on it too much.

WHAT THE **** IS GOING ON? Every time I check my profile views, it goes up by at least 10... I've checked it 3 times today. It went from 630 to 661!! This is suspicious. Someone here is stalking me. Someone probably DOES know me & I totally blew my own cover by trying to be rational. **** this. How can I be rational anymore when someone is doing something like this to me? WHY SHOULD I? What is the point in struggling to deny my suspicions to myself when it's so clear that there is something amiss. I might be wrong about what it is, exactly, that is wrong... But I'm not totally off base!!

Yeah, someone or multiple people here is/are definitely screwing with me. Trying to alienate me & make me feel like ****. Well, it's okay because success has been had. This is a really ****** feeling to not know where my enemies are but to know they are lying in wait... And no one's even bothered to admit or deny their guilt! Hah, it truly figures it would be like this. Any time I call someone out on their lies, it all turns around so I look like the idiot.

Shay

Forgive my ignorance, but does it not say on your profile page who the last 10 people were to view your page? I don't think profile pages can be viewed 'anonymously'

*Willow*

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Shay

Forgive my ignorance, but does it not say on your profile page who the last 10 people were to view your page? I don't think profile pages can be viewed 'anonymously'

*Willow*

No, it never said any new ones. So either I've been obsessively by someone who set their profile to always show "hidden" or it's someone already up there who's been... Really intent on creeping me the **** out.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Mine keeps going up too, but I decided that I'm not going to pay attention to it. It doesn't have any control over my life, or how I live. It cannot kill me, steal anything from me, or destroy anything I am or have. I hope you get through this Shay.

Wow. My mania score on the quiz is 74 & the schizophrenia score is 33... My schizo score hasn't been that high since late April. When I had my very first totally incoherent episode. I was scribbling down prophecies in my bedroom, refusing food, preparing to psychically kill myself so I could merge with my astral body... This can't be good, can it? Vlad said that if I get that bad again, he's hospitalizing me. IDK what to do. How to avoid this. I just hope it passes. Geeze.

Shay

*Willow*

[Wayfarer25]

I hope you feel better soon, Shay.

Congrats on making moderator, Costello! It's about time.

Thanks, everybody...

I'm just using this to document how I'm doing, now... I usually do this when I take a turn for the worst anyway. It's easier this way. Without people actually asking me how I'm doing... Almost lost control & hurt the kitten. I was just playing with him while cleaning the bedroom, so perhaps I could wear him about enough that sleeping in there wouldn't be impossible. No idea what happened... Just this really overwhelming rage came over me. I was just seconds from doing something. And then I screamed at the top of my lungs. I had to get out of there. I've been numbing ever since. Watching TV, talking to friends, playing videogames, cooking... Anything I can do to avoid the rage sinking back in. Anything to avoid doing something stupid & drastic for no reason. This is a really annoying feeling. Losing control is the last thing I ever want to do. It can't happen. It's not supposed to happen. ****!!

[costello]

Sorry, hon. The reassuring thing is that you didn't do anything. Just hold on to that thought. You don't have to act out your rage.

I know I don't have to. No one's forcing my hand. Which is why I made the choice to leave while I still felt I had the active choice. Before my body acted for me... Spent another day isolating from him, in case it overtook me again. Haven't been feeling bad but I'm wary to test out just how well I really am. I wouldn't want to do anything stupid.

Thank you for listening [reading], Cos... Not that I'm expecting anyone to do or say anything. It's just a confusing situation to be in.

[costello]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Thank you for listening [reading], Cos... Not that I'm expecting anyone to do or say anything. It's just a confusing situation to be in.

Hope things are going well for you today.

[likewater]

Shayatanica, the not getting sleep and feeling as if things aren't real happens to me when I have a psychotic break. Also the migraines get worse and I don't eat. I hope you can get some sleep. May angels surround you.

Thank you likewater. It subsided mostly, for a while. But it's back a bit since I've been a little hypo... Or maybe just totally manic? Not sure. Just kind of avoiding the internet & trying to make myself useful IRL.