[redskyatnight]

Hello there,

I am writing on this forum to get a sense of whether I do or do not have schizophrenia or not. I have read a small amount online and a friend of mine suggested I do because or their diagnosed friend.

I'll start with my memory, which is extremely terrible. Words, dates, places - completely gone within no time at all. Sometimes I will forget really simple words such as the word 'and', 'or' and other regularly used words.

My linking of information is extremely abnormal as opposed to most others I have spoken to. The way in which I get from one thought to another seems completely random to other people.

I sometimes stutter and say things like "day-day-day-today" instead of "today" and have difficulty saying words I have said thousands of times before.

I am very nervous around people and have to counteract this by telling myself 'death is the worst that can happen', although I still shake nervously. I can just about hold my voice together although my throat goes dry. I have taught many lessons to young individuals voluntarily successfully but my heart rate increases massively when I do so.

I often get paranoid about people talking behind my back, even when they are close. I question myself and other people if they are displaying an emotion I don't know about.

I don't like to walk near building that over hang because it feels like they are watching me.

I often feel very self conscious of what other people think that I look like. I would rather stay-in than socialize with friends to avoid being judged.

When I talk to close friends, I often make them angry or upset them. I do not do this on purpose.

I lie a lot. I honestly try not to but sometimes I will lie about something that I do not even need to. I honestly have no idea where this comes from.

My Great-Granddad who I spent a lot of time with recently died, and I didn't feel as if I felt anything. I honestly enjoyed his company. He had many great stories and we often played cards which involved skill.

I currently program in many languages and I am somehow able to write code that others in the same situation that I am are not capable of comprehending - such as 3d/4d programming (the mathematics of it all), AI, compression (one which I invented), encryption, anything. All of my programs don't have comments which is supposedly impossible to read code for he size that programs end up. I am able to read others codes and immediately spot error - even when I have never seen their code before.

I have recently moved and this has stopped for now, but I used to walk across roads with headphones (very loud), no visibility left or right and not check for cars. I think that some part of me thinks that I can control probabilities with my right hand and it's fingers. My physics mind says it's impossible, but yet I have never been wrong.

I struggle to sleep some nights, for example the time of posting for this. I have not yet slept. Some nights I won't sleep at all.

When I am angry or unhappy I self destruct, usually by removing myself from any social situation and hurting myself.

I find it hard to make friends. Most people that get on with me like me for my ability to program and help them or the fact they find my random thought process funny.

I will not eat with cutlery that is dirty - or unknown origin. There can't be smudges, condensation, dust, anything on it. I spend 30 minutes a meal washing a bowl, knife and fork.

I have taught myself survival skills because some part of me believes that one day they will be useful. Most others think that it is weird so I though they are worth a mention.

When walking anywhere alone I often get the feeling of being watched and/or followed. I'll speed up and slow down to see if anyone is tailing me. Sometimes I take random routes just to see if anyone is following me.

I often want to talk to somebody, but when I start to talk to somebody I no longer want to.

I got an A - GCSE English at school despite not being able to spell very well (this is the work of Google Chrome and it's automatic spell check).

I find it hard to read and make sense of what I have read. If there are more than four lines, sometimes the words blur meaning I have o re-read at least 5 times before I can adsorb anything.

All of the above has it's peak and minimum times, sometimes nothing occurs at all. On a regular basis, being paranoid and socially awkward seems to always exist.

If you have got this far - thank you for reading. I appreciate that for a stranger to read another strangers problem can sometimes be a pain.

As a note, I am looking to join the military - hence the reason why I am not wanting to get professional help first, as everything is recorded and I will be rejected before they see me for who I am.

[OutofTune]

Sounds like you have all the negative symptoms of schizophrenia but none of the positive symptoms. In all honesty, between the lying and lack of interest in everyday tasks, it sounds more like borderline personality disorder and depression. Only a professional can diagnose you though. Pretty sure the military will end up giving you a psych examination before letting you in. Good luck.

[faerie_moon_x]

It actually doesn't sound like schizophrenia to me, but I am not a doctor. A lot of symptoms like anhedonia, thought blocking, paranoia, and memory concerns exist in other illnesses as well, including bipolar and depression. Anxiety issues also manifest in multiple things and can carry their own diagnosis.

The best thing to do would be to see a psychiatrist. It is best to see a doctor when you have concerns that are effecting your life.

[redskyatnight]

I've no idea about the depression part - I've had good times and done good things? I'm sure it's fair to say that most people will have mixed emotions throughout their life...?

As for Bipolar, sometimes I feel a some what violent urge to do something - but I put that down to heat of the moment and never do anything as a result of my thoughts.

As for personality disorder, I honestly have no idea and my ability to read through them all would definitely be tested.

It might be good to add the fact that my father and his father have both been diagnosed with schizophrenic type illness but I didn't want to add that to give an unfair judgement. As far as I can tell, my father's father killed himself and the illness runs in the male side of the family.

Obviously this could mean nothing, but I thought it might be worth a mention.

[OutofTune]

The only reason I suggested you may have borderline is the lying. Compulsive lying is either a symptom of BPD or of ASPD. I doubt you're a sociopath so I figured it might be BPD. BPD also results in unstable relationships and even paranoia regarding these relationships. You really ought to talk to a professional about all the things you're experiencing.

[twitchhh3]

I have almost all of the same symptoms as you, though I hear voices that tell me to kill myself and sometimes others. I get violent images of bludgeoning others to death. These thoughts, voices, are SO UNWANTED. I would never want to do that to anyone, only myself.
Anyone have any thoughts?
I also sometimes feel creepy crawlies on me. haha. Super annoying. Like bugs crawling everywhere.
Also, when I meet someone for the first time, I think they implant a memorychip in me and can see everything I do. Its a thought I just can't shake.
I also can go from being super low and suicidal and depressed, to SUPER manic. Which happened yesterday, being manic though, gives me an uneasy feeling though, because I know it's not right.
If anyone could help, that would be wonderful!