[wendigo]

Hello,

I'm new so I don't quite know how this works but I will try my best. My doc just told me that I have a psychotic disorder but is unable to trace the cause. My thoughts is that it may be tied into my nightmares and other things like paranoia, axiety and ocd.
However, these breakdowns have started to concern me due to the fact that they are getting more and more recent. I had some four years ago and was hallucinating very often for a period of 7 months. The visual and auditory hallucinations would stop for awhile and then surface again for a period of one to three months at a time with no significant breakdowns.
Three months ago things started getting really bad and I started becoming increasingly paraniod- I blocked all my windows and check my door lock hourly. Have my outlets blocked, everything unplugged and covered with blankets because I feel like the dream people can see me. I became very afraid of leaving my house and became increasingly unable to sleep due to waking from night terrors.
The breakdows are like.. I feel this tingle and it just blows up. I start only being able to talk in numbers and bite myself and see numbers everywhere, patterns, and become really paranoid. I shake uncontrollably and twitch. I cry really... pathetically I guess. I become violent when talking with people.
Last time it happened I was out with my only friend.. I embarrassed myself and almost got arrested (or thought I did) because I was hysterical waiting for the train.. She says it's ok and not to feel bad but she wont return my calls.. I made a fool of myself..
That same night when I got home is when this man from my dream manifested in my apartment. His name is Father Window and he is a Dominican Monk. He sat in my sink and kept shaking his head at me and then would comfort me by making the "shhh shhh" gesture.
Needless to say, the next morning (did not sleep) I felt really ashamed and scared. I finally broke down to my parents and told them whats going on and they think I'm doing meth (I'm not).
I'm not sure what to do.. All my doctor could do was put me on Seroquel.
This is starting to ruin all my relationships and my academic performance.

What do I do and what are your thoughts on what is causing this.

-wendigo

[costello]

Originally Posted by wendigo

What do I do and what are your thoughts on what is causing this.

I asked my son about paranoia once, because I didn't understand it. He got kind of angry and said that paranoia is very easy to understand. He said that paranoid people have had really, really bad things happen to them. Have you have bad things happen to you?

I finally broke down to my parents and told them whats going on and they think I'm doing meth (I'm not).

The first time I took my son to the emergency room they thought he was on drugs too. And he wasn't. That's actually something that deeply offends him, that people sometimes take him for a drug user. Just recently he gave up on a peer support group here in town, because twice people suggested he was using drugs.

I'm not sure what to do.. All my doctor could do was put me on Seroquel.

It might help.

This is starting to ruin all my relationships and my academic performance.

[wendigo]

Thank you user costello.
Your son felt the same way I do at the moment. Having my parents, the people I want to count on the most, believe that I'm doing drugs not only hurt my feelings but made me not want to talk to them again. It was hard to tell them what I did and now I feel like even more of a pariah.

I've had bad things happen to me- but doesn't everyone? It's difficult to compare tragedies. Although I've had my share of scary and traumatic things happen, I don't feel I have the agency to say that I've had more or less than anyone else.
Maybe that's part of my problem.. I get myself in trouble by being to empathetic and can't understand why people can't be that way when I'm in trouble.

I left a panicked and encoded message (I was reaching out to everyone because I felt suicidal at the time because of my paranoia and hallucinations) on my friend's voicemail during my most recent breakdown and I learned today that at the local bar a few nights ago he played it for everyone.. A random classmate came up to me and told me about it "Hahah we were all laughing so hard- you sounded possesed!"

Welp.

[wendigo]

..I don't even like those guys but I was so desperate for someone to just talk to me.

[costello]

Originally Posted by wendigo

I left a panicked and encoded message (I was reaching out to everyone because I felt suicidal at the time because of my paranoia and hallucinations) on my friend's voicemail during my most recent breakdown and I learned today that at the local bar a few nights ago he played it for everyone.. A random classmate came up to me and told me about it "Hahah we were all laughing so hard- you sounded possesed!"

Welp.

Oh, hon. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

People can be terribly cruel sometimes. No one here will laugh at you. You're safe here.

[costello]

Originally Posted by wendigo

..I don't even like those guys but I was so desperate for someone to just talk to me.

We'll talk to you.

[wendigo]

Thank you so much. Your words really are helping me out right now.

Sometimes it feels like hallucinating is better than interacting with real things because the repercussions don't feel so heavy.

[costello]

Originally Posted by wendigo

Thank you so much. Your words really are helping me out right now.

Sometimes it feels like hallucinating is better than interacting with real things because the repercussions don't feel so heavy.

I imagine that's true. Honestly I think my son's episodes have all been retreats into a fantasy world. Maybe that isn't true for everyone, but it seems to be for him.

His last episode was caused in part by his losing his job and having some bad financial stuff going on, but the worst was a woman he'd been dating who broke up with him by just not responding to any of his texts or calls anymore. One of his delusions was that she hadn't broken up with him at all. They were married and had children. IRL she had instructed her father to call the police if he ever showed up at their house again, but he somehow convinced himself it was all a big misunderstanding, and she really wanted to be with him.

I really think reality was just too painful for him to handle. Rather than experience the pain, he pushed it away and made up a reality he liked better. Not consciously, of course, but on some level.

[wendigo]

I understand to some degree how he is feeling. I decided about a year ago that a world I created in my apartment was better than facing real people since they can hurt you. Only recently am I realizing the bad effects of not having any social contact and it has become quite scary to feel trapped in the little bubble you've created.
At the same time.. I would not go back to trusting people and would rather be scared by my hallucinations and delusions because I can tell myself it's just my brain.

On another note, I think my landlord has been sneaking into my apartment while I've been attending class. I am too scared to talk to him. What should I do..

[wendigo]

You know, Costello, you really are a great parent from what I have gleaned from your responses thus far. You really care about your son and as someone who is going through something weird as well- I really respect you for that.
Also, thank you for responding to me.

[brackenbeard]

well you want your parents on your side so do your best to educate them on what's going on, and this goes hand in hand with educating yourself. as i imagine you've been doing already... but i mean, you want your parents on your side through this. it's going to be hard for them, because they have to see their loved one being labeled with scary labels, and see them acting in ways they're uncomfortable with. but y'know what beyond all that they love you, and you'll be fine because it's unconditional. i hope for you it is. it is for me, i'm lucky beyond words.

as for these frightening hallucinations... well i've not found a way to cope and still be functional when i'm hearing voices... it's got to be hell to be like that for extended period of time. i advocate trying to have a normal life, and doing normal things... go shopping, talk to people, ride your bike, contact people you care about... but honestly it's never as easy to get up and do things as it is to say them.

what's causing this? you asked. i've given up on that question, but i don't advocate you do the same necessarily. this illness thing is a journey for everyone and you have to live it the way you will. anyway... i more or less deal with symptoms as they come. cope. and try to find that stability.

anyway good luck and welcome to our community. hope you stay around.

[wendigo]

Brakenbeard, that is a really good piece of insight I haven't really thought about.. Perhaps it would help if I stopped fighting all of this so hard and learned to roll with the punches so to speak.
I will take that to heart.
As for my parents, my step-dad has been increasingly supportive and I talked to him tonight because I was having a panic attack. He's chalking this all up to intense sleep deprivation but I'm not so sure.. I've been hallucinating for over four years but I do have a good amount of insight into what's happening even if I do feel deeply deeply ashamed about it.
As for my mother- I can't talk to her about it because she keeps threatening to take me to the hospital.
At least I have my step-dad.