[Wayfarer25]

i need to get a bunch of stuff out there and out of my head so bear with me.

i thought i was on the upside of things for quite a while. i stayed away from the forums because everything i read got me thinking again of the way i used to be. so i figured it was just safer to stay away.

my pdoc started me on 10mg of abilify which took everything away. no hallucinations. no paranoia. and no depression. it all just vanished. i was so happy and so excited that i was literally high on life for quite some time (several months i guess). i was socializing (at work mostly since i don't have any friends). i even got promoted at work to assistant director of nursing at the nursing home i work at. even my relationship with my wife and kids improved drastically.

but the last couple weeks i've been sliding backward. the paranoia started up. the hallucinations (mine were always visual & auditory) came creeping back. i felt like i was going off the deep end again, and all i could think about was how i was going to wind up in the hospital again and lose my new job.

so i called my pdoc and asked for a higher dose of the abilify. now i'm at 15mg. the paranoia mostly went away but i still keep looking over my shoulder. the hallucinations are gone again. but the depression persists. i have no energy. i can't get up in the morning. etc. etc. even my co-workers have commented that i'm quieter than usual.

i don't know what's going on. i don't know why i was slipping. but for some reason, and maybe this is the pessimist in me, i can't help but think it's not quite over. that i'm not at a therapeutic dose. that the paranoia is going to ruin me. that the depression may eventually kill me. or that i'll wind up going off the deep end and that i won't be able to be saved the next time.

the max dose of abilify is 30mg. i'm already having some TD with my mouth that's manageable and tolerable. i'm afraid a higher dose is going to screw me up permanently. and yes, i talked to my pdoc about this.

eh. anyway, i don't know what i'm doing anymore. lately i just want to not wake up. i feel suicidal, but i don't have a plan, and have no intention of actually doing anything. it's always been this way. like my body and mind just want to give up at life. i'm dragging my feet so-to-speak.

i guess i'm just pissed. the abilify helped bring things around for me, and now it's not working just like every other stupid med i've taken. my life was turned around. things were going good. and now i'm back to faking my way through life like nothing's wrong. i guess i'm lucky that my boss is aware of my diagnosis and is supportive. she keeps an eye on me. so do my co-workers. so does my wife. but they can't stop the boulder once it stops rolling. i guess that's up to me. i'm just fed up with meds and them not working. sometimes i just wish it's ok to be schizophrenic, but i know i can't live a functional life that way (at least that's true for me).

anyway, i just needed to vent. thanks for reading. hope everyone's doing mostly well.

[costello]

(((Wayfarer)))

[Wayfarer25]

thanks. i like the picture at the end of your sig. that's pretty much how i feel most days lately. great pic.

[costello]

Originally Posted by Wayfarer25

thanks. i like the picture at the end of your sig. that's pretty much how i feel most days lately. great pic.

Me too. I'm kind of going through the same stuff, just on a smaller level. I was feeling soooooo goooood. And now I'm depressed again.

I always tell my son that things get better then they get worse then they get better ... Even though I know it intellectually, it really sucks when things are getting worse.

The mistake I'm making in my signature btw is clinging to the good mood. The practice is to take it as it comes, without clinging or pushing it away. I haven't been doing so well with the practice recently.

If it gives you any hope at all, I think I've reached the bottom of my slump, and I'm headed back up again. You will too. Don't despair.