relapsing and all that

i am not real. nothing around me is real. it's all a figment of my imagination. at least that's what i'm supposed to believe. i know it's not true, but at the same time i can't help but question reality. it's confusing, to say the least.

i was doing fine for some time, several months at least. i was hospitalized last year but didn't find the right med until after i got out. abilify. now up to 15mg from a starting dose of 10mg. i don't know why i thought it would be my savior, but i did. i loved it for quite a while. but now the scales are tipping back toward psychosis.

it starts off when i can't get out of my head. it's like i get stuck there. i wonder if anyone else is like that. i've lost interest in everything, including work where i was newly promoted and loved my job. it's like i'm losing everything all over again.

my attention span sucks bad. i can't stay focused because i keep slipping back into my head. the paranoia is starting up again, and i'm sick of being scared all the time, of being on edge every second of the day. thankfully, the visual hallucinations haven't started up, but i get noises and music popping up between my ears.

anyway. the relapse is coming. i can feel it. maybe i'm lucky because i know it's happening instead of being blindsided like others. problem is i don't know what to do about it. i could try another med cocktail, but with my track record (risperdal, zyprexa and others i can't remember) of meds not working, i don't know.

i hate therapy. my memory is so bad i can't benefit from it. so i don't have a therapist. my pdoc will try a new med or increase what i have, but then there's the time i need it to work (or not work and try something else). i'm on track for relapsing and winding up back in the hospital by summer. i can tolerate the madness for only a few months before i just crumble.

i just wish i knew some better coping skills. if anyone has any i'm open to suggestion.

Have you talked to your pdoc about this? In spite of the medications not helping, I think you need to talk to him about it.

I think my son experiences that.

I'll be thinking about you Wayfarer. I know everyone here at PC is pulling for you.

i know what you mean by the not real thing i have been experiencing something very similar to that too at the moment its terrible, but one thing that i worked out earlier that helped me a bit was to try and find something or someone to help pule you back to reality and help remind you that others are real. this may be in spending one on one time with a friend or doing a sport something along those lines. i hope you start to feel better soon

Your writings are so clear-

I am not aware of what a relapse does and who/what contains the answers to "fix" IT-

I am so confused about what to do for someone with a relapse? Are paramedics called out or something or just walk into a hospital?

I spent an hour with my kid today who is actively having one- mumblings- been 8 years since he was admitted to inpatient- but back then, I was new to it all and do not recall a thing! I asked if he'd rather stay home and he said yes.
So I let him.

AM I a horrible mom?

hi Wayfarer, your description of feeling like nothing is real is very familiar to me. I've been having that a lot recently. It comes and goes. It's eerie for me. Suddenly I wonder how all the threads connected to put things together, and wasn't I just 9 years old a few minutes ago? How did I get here all of a sudden? And everything suddenly feel disjointed or disconnected. And how is it I can't read my husband's thoughts or my kids? How is it that different people exist around me and realize I'm here? And then suddenly, I snap back and then I feel too real.

So, yes, I agree, it's like being in my head too much. But, it all revolves around suddenly this eerie feeling.

As for what to do, I don't know. Do you have a T or pdoc? I think because you are aware you might be able to prevent losing everything or losing your grip completely. You can intervene on your own self. Are there coping skills you know that can help? Maybe writing down what is real will help you if you go back and look at it when you're not feeling well? Just an idea.

I hope you don't fully relapse.

Sallygator: No, you're not a horrible mom. You're a mom and doing the best you can. Just be there for you son and love him.

i have a pdoc but not a T. i don't do well in therapy because my memory is so bad it's like having the same conversations over and over and over again. i also view cognitive behavioral therapy as a form of mind control (paranoia aside). as far as talking to my pdoc, i probably should. sometimes though it's hard because i can't even put to words what's going on in my head. i suppose i could just print out the post and give it to him. i see him on the 11th of april.

i think a huge part of me is frustrated. i thought i was doing better for a few months. i mean, i was feeling really really good for some time. and now that good feeling is gone, and everything that was wrong before is slowly creeping back. thought i was stable on meds, but apparently not. i'm terrified of trying a new med or meds and not having them work. i think i'm just terrified in general of my life circling the drain again.

i was close to being homeless, close to divorce, losing my job, etc. but sometimes, on rare occasions, i want to just spiral out of control, as if it was some kind of cathartic release. almost like falling apart completely and being able to rebuild myself from scratch. weird, i know. however, that's scary in itself because in the depth of psychosis i have homicidal thoughts. so i'd hate to "wake up" in prison somewhere.

anyway, thank you all for your support. i guess i'll just talk to my pdoc, bite the bullet and try a med increase or new med in general. i suppose i won't wait until the 11th and just call him tomorrow and tell him what's what.

not hardly. it's hard to be the significant other/family member of someone with mental illness. my wife often feels like an outsider trying to look in but the glass is too foggy. my parents flat out deny i'm sick. so how can you be horrible when you're doing your best to help?