[spondiferous]

Hi. I just need to share this. Mostly because I am tired of this happening to me and not knowing what to do about it, or not knowing what's going to happen to me. Since August 2009 I have been in and out of psychosis, dissociation, intrusive images and urges (disturbing/disgusting), panic disorder, agoraphobia, the list goes on and on. Lately it's on another upswing: nothing looks or feels real. Everything is empty or a lie. I think about things and they disappear. I have a hard time being around other people because I feel like I'm not even from the same world as them (literally). I am really, really tired of feeling like the only way I can survive is by staying at home and distracting myself 24/7. The last time this happened to me, 15 years ago, I got through it by eating, cutting, drinking and drugs. Now I'm clean and sober (since August 2006) and don't want to return to it, and haven't self-harmed in a long time either. I'm glad I have this site...I just...want my life back.

[optimize990h]

I understand the experience with agoraphobia. And yes, i have to keep busy with this site. Glad you posted.

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm really proud of you for getting sober! That's a huge accomplishment.

Maybe the best way to get your life back is to take baby steps back into it. If you want to get outside, maybe just like, step out on your back porch for as long as you can stand it, time it, then go back in. Then, try to stay out even 1 second longer next time. I don't know, just an idea.

Do you have a T? With agoraphobia it's probably not the easiest thing to see a T, but I think there are some that specialize in helping with that. You definately have a long road ahead of you.

I know that dissociation feeling and it's really creepy. I hate it.

[spondiferous]

Thanks for the replies...

Yeah, I have a T. A psychiatrist and I also see a counselor, plus I'm in two different therapy groups and I go to support groups. So I don't lack support that way. Nor do I lack it from my partner or friends, as most of them have their own mental health stuff they deal with and so are in a position to better understand. And I do actually get out in the world; infact, to the untrained eye it likely looks like there's absolutely nothing wrong with me.

It's just the constant feelings that I described above, no matter how proactive I'm being, or how much support I'm getting, or whatnot. It's still bloody hard to live with. One moment at a time, I guess. Today's a new day.