[Atypical_Disaster]

I feel really disoriented, strange, like something's really wrong but I can't say what. I don't know what it is. I'm confused, I'm upset because I'm confused... but there's nothing wrong. My life isn't particularly stressful right now or anything.

There's no reason. As usual. There's never a reason but there's reasons all the time. There's no cause but everything causes. I'm being watched I have to watch what I say but you can't watch words they'll just fly away so I'm careful how I speak.

I have nothing to say, the only way to stay safe is to have nothing to say. So they shut off my mind, it's for my own good you see. They take the thoughts out of my head before I can think them so I stay safe, because the other "they" know what I'm thinking and if I think too much I'll get into really serious trouble.

Nobody understands, I feel cursed. Possessed. Like everything's wrong but there's no way anything could be wrong. I'm just insane? People don't like that word but I don't particularly give a **** if you like it or not, so don't mention that if you bother actually responding to this worthless post full of nothing.

Do I really hear voices? I keep wondering that, I'm so used to them I just... I don't know. Don't know where I was going with that. Do I really hear anything? Or is it all a hallucination? Did I hallucinate my entire life? Did I hallucinate this website? Is it all some delusion or something? Some sick joke being used as a further excuse to hurt me?

The voices keep telling me I'm evil. That I should talk about how evil I am. Then I'll deserve whatever I get because evil people deserve bad things. I deserve to burn alive forever in hell. That's what they say all the time. They say I'm a sociopath and that I should say it or they'll say it for me... everyone can hear the voices I hear they just ignore it because they're in on it. In on the plot to ruin me, to destroy me completely. To make sure I am nothing, to make sure I am kept quiet about the truth.

I'm really not doing well. Sorry everyone. This is so stupid, I don't know why I post.

[faerie_moon_x]

you always say the voices tell you you're evil. But, what do they mean by that? What have you done that's evil? If you don't feel comfortable saying, it's okay. But, I just don't see that you're evil at all. I think it's just what the voices say to put you down and paralyze you, because they know it bothers you so much.

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I feel really disoriented, strange, like something's really wrong but I can't say what. I don't know what it is. I'm confused, I'm upset because I'm confused... but there's nothing wrong. My life isn't particularly stressful right now or anything.

Sometimes there isn't always a reason. Other times it's buried too deep to realise.

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Do I really hear voices? I keep wondering that, I'm so used to them I just... I don't know. Don't know where I was going with that. Do I really hear anything? Or is it all a hallucination? Did I hallucinate my entire life? Did I hallucinate this website? Is it all some delusion or something? Some sick joke being used as a further excuse to hurt me?

Yeah I often get fixated on the same thing My voices tell me that I'm making them up for attention - how ironic is that?! And I believe them, and feel even more like a bad person.

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

The voices keep telling me I'm evil. That I should talk about how evil I am. Then I'll deserve whatever I get because evil people deserve bad things. I deserve to burn alive forever in hell. That's what they say all the time.

Yeah me too

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I'm really not doing well.

I'm sorry that you're struggling Atypical I hope that things get better soon.

*Willow*

PS: I just wanted to add that I thought this extract underneath was really poetic and cleverly written. I know that you're struggling but I thought there was beauty hidden within your words:

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

There's never a reason but there's reasons all the time. There's no cause but everything causes. I'm being watched I have to watch what I say but you can't watch words they'll just fly away so I'm careful how I speak.

[mimi2112]

yes, that was really poetic the way it was written, AD

[newtus]

wheres mary

[newtus]

@willow

i know its irrelevant in my opinion

...bht do u hear these voices inside yourself. your head?

Originally Posted by newtus

@willow

i know its irrelevant in my opinion

...bht do u hear these voices inside yourself. your head?

Mostly inside my head, but also outside my head like another person is talking. When I'm doing well, it's pretty much all in my head. When things get worse, it gets louder and more outside my head. That's the man and woman anyway. When things are really bad, I get 'the whispers', which are loads of malevolent voices whispering bad things about me, outside my head, but I can't quite make out what they're saying but I know it's bad. The whispers really freak me out!

*Willow*

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by faerie_moon_x

you always say the voices tell you you're evil. But, what do they mean by that? What have you done that's evil? If you don't feel comfortable saying, it's okay. But, I just don't see that you're evil at all. I think it's just what the voices say to put you down and paralyze you, because they know it bothers you so much.

I haven't done anything extraordinarily horrible by my standards or by societies' standards for that matter. Sure, some(okay, a lot of) impulsive behavior here and there, doing things that everyone does at some point in their lives that they end up regretting, etc... but nothing extraordinary. They can convince me into believing that I've done horrible things when I haven't, though... ugh...

They like to psychologically rip me to shreds, it's their MO and I feel so beaten down and broken by it all right now.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Sometimes there isn't always a reason. Other times it's buried too deep to realise.

I think that's part of why I'm upset is because there really isn't a concrete reason. Psychosis is so strange.

Yeah I often get fixated on the same thing My voices tell me that I'm making them up for attention - how ironic is that?! And I believe them, and feel even more like a bad person.

My voices have said that EXACT thing, that I'm making it all up for attention. Just wtf, are they all talking somewhere about how best to psychologically torture us? Sheesh.

PS: I just wanted to add that I thought this extract underneath was really poetic and cleverly written. I know that you're struggling but I thought there was beauty hidden within your words:

Wow, thank you!

yes, that was really poetic the way it was written, AD

and thank you too.

[mimi2112]

Originally Posted by newtus

wheres mary

i'm right here Newtus! I just changed my user name.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by mimi2112

i'm right here Newtus! I just changed my user name.

oooh

you scared me.

i was like "someones stole marys avatar. tha bastard!"

[mimi2112]

Originally Posted by newtus

oooh

you scared me.

i was like "someones stole marys avatar. tha bastard!"

thanks Newtus. you really make me laugh sometimes

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I haven't done anything extraordinarily horrible by my standards or by societies' standards for that matter. Sure, some(okay, a lot of) impulsive behavior here and there, doing things that everyone does at some point in their lives that they end up regretting, etc... but nothing extraordinary. They can convince me into believing that I've done horrible things when I haven't, though... ugh...

They like to psychologically rip me to shreds, it's their MO and I feel so beaten down and broken by it all right now.

Okay, I see.

One thing I feel is like that voices like these and suicidal thoughts are really similar. I think this because when I'm suicidal I think these same type of thoughts. The difference is that, in a suicidal though it's me myself thinking this without feeling/hearing there is anything else telling me I am.

But, It is the same powerfulness. Overwhelming. Dangerous. And, what helps me in it is that I have come to say to myself "This thought is a lie." It's hard, I won't say it's easy. It's really hard. It's arguing with myself. Wrestling away with it. I have SI problems, too, explosive ones and not pre-meditated. Full on war with myself. So, yeah, it's a battle all the time.

It's seductive. Easy to believe the lie, because you're like caught in a fog right? Like, you can't see out of it into a better time right there or a better place. I Know this very well. So, I know it's exhausting and continuous. I say I feel I've overcome suicidal thinking, which doesn't mean I don't still get the thoughts ever, because I do. I just feel that now I know how to fight them down proficiantly, and it takes more to bring me to that place than it once did.

So, knowing it's a lie before it starts. Knowing it's a trick, a trap, and not true. Those are the tools I use. Repeating it to myself over and over. Writing it down if I have to. I know I will always have this inside of me, but I also know I'm stronger than it. I know I wasn't always stronger, I had to become stronger. Like doing push-ups or whatever to get stronger, except in my mind. But, as I got stronger it became easier.

I think that, perhaps, a similar tactic could help here. Even if just a tiny bit. And, even if only sometimes. Just a tiny bit is better than none. It's just a suggestion of course.