[newtus]

people just dont get it.

and i never truly understood people that say they have no friends when they have even 1 or 2 people aroudn them. even if they just have a few acquaintances.

try having no one around to talk to. lets start with saying nonfamily. try having no one (nonfamily) around to talk to...0 people. would you value those that you do have aroudn then? even if only acquantaince? now try being in my position even if you DO have family around...say you only have ONE fam member around to talk to. try that. try not being able to talk to them eeven if you wanted to because they arent physically around sometimes at that cuz yes they have their own life too.

try that.
do you value even the little you may have now? IF you have little.
so many people that say they have no friends mean they have no true friends MAYBE. a lot of people say that when cant talk about something deep with someone. people dont realize how lucky they are to even have an acquainttance to talk about something funny that happened on tv. let alone 1 friend and a few acquaintaces or more than all that.

no im serious
im DEAD F_CKING SERIOUS.
try not getting a chance to physically open your mouth and talk to anybody but a parent.
and then not even be able to talk to them many/most times during the day.

try that.

would you talk to yourself too?
seriously.

actually ive developed that habit so much to an axtreme that after i had numerous psychotic episodes in late winter/spring of 2012 - that it went from inside my mind to vocally and unintentially. b4 that it was sporadic. no one knew. i realized it most times.
i do not realize i am doing it 99% of the time now.
i might get a chance to catch myself at the end. might.
my voices hit a new level after this - late 2011/early 2012.
i started hearing more.
they went from a word/phrase here and there...to all that + conversations and them talking about what im doing and then trying to argue with me. just all this stuff.

[newtus]

yesterday i almost called 911 because i thought someone was coming to kill me. i grabbed the phone turned it on. pressed 9...and then i looked around me and realized it wasnt real.

i was >>>| this |<<<<<< close to porbably getting myself rehospitazlied. thank god something clicked.

someone in my head started an argument with me and then i did with them and i started making threats and then they did to me. and then i was saying i was gonna call the police because i got these visuals in my mind of them cuz they said they were waiting outside for me.

...and then i realized not only was the situation not real - the person didnt even exist...

[newtus]

yea
and then it gets 50x worse when im both isolated and stressed at the same time. which both at the same happens often. just hope that when it happens that i can either get unstressed or not isolated b4 things get out of hand.......IDKKKKK.

actually...thinking about it now...
.....actually..... the stuff that happened that ended me up in the hospital past year are not different than right now i think. the difference between me in the hospital and me not in the hospital i think is that if i went to hospital i just was in the wrong place at wrong time that day.

Please take care of yourself & keep posting!

Hey newtus, I don't know if u remember me. I lost both my parents and I'm not close to my siblings. I will make friends but then lose them. I feel very alone a lot of the time. I have a t I see once a week but I don't drive and the closest bus stop is like a mile away which I can't do bc I have an injured back.

So I know what it's like to be isolated you're not the only one.

I do have my son though...maybe that helps. I have to continue on for him and also I love him dearly.

[Gr3tta]

I do hate how alone you are, newtus. And I do agree with you that the combination of your physical location, your lack of need or opportunity for social interactions, and your dad's absences combime to make the isolation extreme. Does it exacerbate your negative symptoms? I couldn't say, but I certainly don't think it can be helping.
This is why I push you sometimes to work on living arrangement options. There is no one to do it for you, so you must be your own advocate! If I am too pushy sometimes I apologize. I just like to think there are circumstances and situations in which you might get a chance to be happier.
I know I have been lucky in life to have found one person who loves me. Even though I often dread going there, I know I am lucky to be able to work. It provides me with people to talk to, even if what I'm saying is a big fat lie a lot of the time. I know also that some people do not have to actually be alone to feel very lonely.
I am glad you were able to realize the recent argument you had in your head was not a true scenario. Do you know what tipped you off? If you can figure that out, maybe you can use those same types of clues to identify a false situation in the future.
I hipe you got some rest, and are as well as you can be today. Thanks for posting.

[roseblossom]

I'm really sorry that you're so alone at the moment.

Are there any charities or social organisations running drop-ins that you could get to? I ask because near me is a mental health drop in on one morning a week. I understand that it can feel awkward to go and to get to know people at first and I personally have had a tendency to give up, but I think people who persevere and just keep going regularly find that it really helps in the end.

Also, is there any way that you could do low cost therapy?

[newtus]

Originally Posted by roseblossom

I'm really sorry that you're so alone at the moment.

Are there any charities or social organisations running drop-ins that you could get to? I ask because near me is a mental health drop in on one morning a week. I understand that it can feel awkward to go and to get to know people at first and I personally have had a tendency to give up, but I think people who persevere and just keep going regularly find that it really helps in the end.

Also, is there any way that you could do low cost therapy?

i actually did try to look into one once.
its 50 miles away. too far for me. cuz i live in the rural.
plus not much info on it. all i found online was a flyer about it.

therapy rarely has ever helepd me

but im still trying to figure out what to do. thanks.

[faerie_moon_x]

When my mom died at 13 my dad worked from 2:30 p.m. until 11:00 p.m. and I got out of school at 2:30 p.m. So I had to walk home and was alone all evening. From 13 until 16 I would be totally alone all night. At 14 my ex-best friend from elementary school moved back to town, (she was very toxic,) and for abour 3-4 months I hung around with her and her toxic friends during school hours until I started avoiding them, too. At school I was severly bullied and avoided people. In class I would often just shut down and write in my notebooks. I wrote maybe 50 or 60 stories during that time.

When I was 16 I decided I needed to try to get out of my shell. So, at school I started hanging around the nerds at lunc in the computer lab. I started going to youth group at my church. That's how I got out of it.

I am greatful that I don't shut down so much as I used it. I struggle making friends and feel uncomfortable around people, especially strangers. But, I try to not isolate so much. It takes effort on my part. I get paranoid that people are talking about me and making fun of me, or that they are trying to bring me down or my family down. It's hard sometimes.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by newtus

i actually did try to look into one once.
its 50 miles away. too far for me. cuz i live in the rural.
plus not much info on it. all i found online was a flyer about it.

therapy rarely has ever helepd me

but im still trying to figure out what to do. thanks.

I didn't realise you lived in a rural area. Are there any possibilities for volunteering around? Perhaps just offering a few hours of your time somewhere - even if they're not advertising - to do admin, or some kind of practical work?

I've worked at a café/bookshop for a few years now for just a few hours a week and I've gone through phases of not wanting to go in but I really pushed myself to go, and its helped with some social contact and a sense of belonging and stablity.

Places to try could be a library, animal shelter, shop, hospital ... really anywhere where they might be able to use a spare pair of hands and where you think you might like it.

[newtus]

i cant even begin to imagine what someone in prison with physical isolation is like or a POW.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by newtus

i cant even begin to imagine what someone in prison with physical isolation is like or a POW.

Yeah that's a whole other thing. Isolation used for torture. See, this is how we know humans are social animals like elephants or wolves. Remember the babies in China, the orphans. They would feed them, keep them clean. Yet they would die. It was because the people taking care of them didn't cuddle and play with them, talk to them. Babies need love to survive. Just like air and water and food humans need other humans.

You have your dad at least. Really, I think most people only have a very small number of people they really rely on for their social things, like probably less than 10 and probably even more like less than 5.

[newtus]

i am not even around my dad that much. if i am its more like in spurts. like i could be around him everyday for a coulpe of week. then hes away from home doing something the next couple of weeks. it only got better when he got laid off laid last year because i would litterally RARELY see him. i mean hed wake up get ready goto work. i wouldnt see him til night where he went to bed. every single day. its was like i was really just living alone in 100% complete isolation. this is not a joke. and this was going on since i was child. although i know im not the only person who went through that in life - it makes it worse that i dont have anyone else to talk to. anyone im also saying this becuz he wants to go back to work. and thats going to put me more downhill. when he was working morning to night everyday and i was alone all day - i was very very very unwell.

anyway yes...but then no one else.

ill be honest i dont think people have a small # of people...well maybe to RELY on but to talk to period. i tend to see people have a ton of acqauntances and a good number of friends. then maybe a a few to rely on. to seriously rely on.

then again 2-3 people to seriously rely on and then 1-2 friends and some acquantainces would be a godsend for me.

i think im slightly rare. rare for someone who doesnt only have 1 person to talk to in real life but even doesnt see anyone else really. i dont have even acquaintances.

i say it like that becuase through these years out of high school people find hard to believe that i not only dont have 1 or 2 friends but i dont even have someone i might pass by and see every once and while somewhere. if i do happen to talk to people i get that ALL the time. they are like "really???" and then DIRECTLY feeds into "what do you do all day?" that hurts a lot plus it hurts to see the reality that yes im defective OK?!

[faerie_moon_x]

That's the downfall of living out far in the rural areas. I talk to people during the day that just come into the office. They are not friends or aquaintances. Even if it's just "your co-pay is this much, your next appointment is at this time," it's still communicating.

But, if I lived far out in the country with no job or anything, it would be very easy for me to isolate. I don't call people socially except rarely. I am pretty social on this forum but like on online games I play I tend to avoid people. But the addition of co-wokers and bosses and patients, etc. I am in contact with people all day.

So, yeah, I can see how it's very lonely for you. I wish I knew easy ways that you felt comfortable to get in contact with people.

[newtus]

it kills me more than anythig that my family doesnt care. it really does. i realize my parents are divorced my sister lives on the literal other side of the country. but ...idk

i been trying to be open and reach out to my parents. i tell them both im lonely. my dad doesnt say a word. i dont think he know what to say. my mom says "sorry." thats it. i realize the literal definition of insanity but yes theyve said that before i guess maybe theyd help THIS time. i talk sometimes to other people in my immediate family besides my dad who i do everyday. i live with him. anyway its sometimes but we all still are extremely disconnected. all of us in between each other as indivuals are extremely disconnected. dont talk much. its not so much a family anymore cuz the issue of divorce. its a broken fam yea. we all live far away. except for my dad and i which he also does his own thing sometimes and i dont talk much to him either. i mean my whole daily life is surrounded by symptoms OR loneliness OR sadness. depending on the day. i figure why talk if i just - i always get that non response or a "sorry" so why talk? honestly?

it just ...
....it shouldnt make me upset....but its kinda...idk sucks that no one can really help me....so i struggle with normal life and then my symptoms everyday. ...

i know its not their problem...

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2

[newtus]

i think im gonna have to realize that my life will never be content.
...ill always be...low income mentally ill. ill feel lucky if i get 1 or 2 friends. or acquaintces. ill take anything.

hah its almost two fold
see...i could stay here and risk more loneliness try to do more things but still not feel good.
see...if i move out and my dad goes back to drinking. i feel itd be my fault if he has a third stroke and dies.
but see if i live on my own i risk depression too and more than likely severe psychosis. which at worst id be in jail or state hosital. at WORST.

but
somethings bound to happen right?
so just do it anyway?

anyone?
on anything ive been writing? on ANY thread? ANYBODY?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by newtus

i think im gonna have to realize that my life will never be content.
...ill always be...low income mentally ill. ill feel lucky if i get 1 or 2 friends. or acquaintces. ill take anything.

hah its almost two fold
see...i could stay here and risk more loneliness try to do more things but still not feel good.
see...if i move out and my dad goes back to drinking. i feel itd be my fault if he has a third stroke and dies.
but see if i live on my own i risk depression too and more than likely severe psychosis. which at worst id be in jail or state hosital. at WORST.

but
somethings bound to happen right?
so just do it anyway?

anyone?
on anything ive been writing? on ANY thread? ANYBODY?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2

You know, when my mom died and it was just me and my dad the irony of it all was my aunt took me aside and told me I had to watch him to make sure he didn't commit suicide. I was 13 and depressed and no one realized I already had one attempt under my belt (I think my mom was the only one who knew, and she was gone.) So, suddenly a depressed kid is responsible for making sure a grown man doesn't kill himself.

So, I know how you feel guilty. I didn't go to college in Seattle like I wanted because I was afraid if I left my dad would die without me. Even after he met my step-mother I felt trapped. Also, he would always make these comments that made me feel incompitent to care for myself. That I would fail. Even after he started dating my step-mother I felt trapped. It ultimately pushed me to marry my ex just to get away from it, and that ended very badly.

So.... I understand the guilt you feel about your dad and not wanting to leave him. It's a hard thing to decide.