Roll Call 14

Peer Support Line FAQ - Western Mass RLC | Healing and Recovery Through Peer Support

I know I posted this before but the link changed...this is a number for peer support...people who have survived suicide attempts and mental illness. They do take out of state calls but are not 24 hours...anyway if you want someone to talk to this is a good number to call.

thanks sometimes

ill look into that

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

It's 2014 here now. I heard the people celebrating in the streets. The thought of having to live another year makes me sob and sob. I know I haven't posted in a while but I have been lurking and thinking about you all. I just haven't known what to say. I put on a good show for Christmas, but since then I haven't been able to face it. Max and I have been holed up in my bedroom all the time. He's been so good to me, giving me lots of cuddles: I hardly deserve him. I just feel completely and utterly hopeless about the future. The OT will only work with me if I have goals to work towards, and I have none. I don't even care about going back to Uni any more. The psychologist will only work with me after I've made some progress with the OT. I suppose he doesn't want to waste his time. So it looks like I'm on my own.

I'm just so scared of everything. I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my benefits because the doctors think there's nothing wrong with me. And I'm terrified about having to get a job. I'm terrified that my parents will get sick of me and throw me out and I'll be homeless. The voices are constantly taunting me. They don't say anything, but I can feel them there and I know that they're being quiet to make me think that I made them up, that I'm a terrible person. My parents keep asking what's wrong, but I can't say. I just want to die, but I don't want to worry them. They were so scared when I was in hospital and I don't want to do that to them again.

People keep texting wishing me a happy new year, but I couldn't be any less happy if I tried. Everyone around me seem so happy and content, but it's like I'm in a bubble and no-one can reach me. Everyone seems to know where they're going and what they want in life, but I'm just completely clueless. I'm 27 and have done nothing with my life. I'm a shell of a person, barely existing. It all just feels so futile.

*Willow*

willow PLEASE post more. we love u here.

i just helped my 60 something yr old dad text 20 people happy new year - wishing i had that many friends. my dad knows so many.

starting this new year makes me fe suicidal. because i dont deserve this year. i deserve nothing. why am i even born? i am a mistake. a popped condom probably. someone missed their birth control maybe.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

idk what i want in life willow im where u are or where u think u are.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I had a horrible night and day. I can't understand why I am so sick. I've been staying home and in my bedroom mostly. I went through a drive thru on Sunday night. Woke up Monday morning with a sore throat. Felt worse as the day went on. Developed a really bad, annoying cough. My whole entire body hurts. I had a terrible time sleeping last night. I went from freezing to sweating all through the night. Running a fever. This fever really messed with my head. All sorts of stuff going on in my head. Felt like I was going mad! I cannot understand why and how I got so sick! Feels like the flu! I hate this! That darn drive thru is where I must of picked up this terrible sickness! This sucks! I feel like I've been hit by an 18 wheeler!

Gr3tta I hope you're feeling better today!

Willow I'm glad you posted...I've missed having you around. I briefly had a OT while I was on the psych ward...they will help you do whatever you want. I told mine I wanted to get back to my art and for a brief time they let me into a special arts and crafts room. It was truly the greatest crafts room that I had ever seen...they had so many fun things. After being in the psych ward with zero to do it was like I had access to a special place in heaven for just an hour. I did not want to leave...I built a special wand from Popsicle sticks leather shells and feathers...it was beautiful and magical to me but they would not let me keep it even when I left. What do you want to do or be...it can be anything....perhaps a trip to the ocean or visit a friend learn something new an instrument...the ukulele is really fun...a new language...anything can be a goal. Maybe go watch an orchestra play....whatever it is....they are there to help keep your mind and body engaged....why not try relaxing yoga or meditation? Think back to the things you enjoyed as a child...that's a great place to start. Perhaps just a simple walk outside for some fresh air?

Happy new year everyone and hopefully it will be a great one!

I am hoping and praying that each and every one of us have a better year. Here's wishing all of you a very blessed New Year 2014!!!!

Happy new year to all you wonderful people.

i had the flu with high fever. the fevers made my thinking go whack. hope u feel better soon

happy new years everyone

hoping this year turns out better than the last.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I just stepped on one of my favorite pairs of reading glasses and broke them. I saw them on the floor when I sat down and thought, "I'd best pick those up or I'm likely to step on them and break them." Then I didn't. A half hour later I stood up and stepped on them.

As my mother would say, "Now that had to happen."

i have voices saying "your smoking wrong" when i smoke my cigarettes

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

might delete my blog

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Thank you so much Newtus! You're so kind. I don't deserve you guys being so nice to me.

Newtus

Everything just seems so pointless.

Thanks Sometimes The OT is probably going to turn me down. I might even cancel the appt so I don't waste her time or have to listen to her reasons for declining me. Probably another "you're not helping yourself" ugh!

I don't want to do or be anything anymore, that's the problem. When I think about going back to Uni, I just think what's the point?! What's the point in anything anymore?!

I want to run away, but the problem is me so wherever I go, I'll still be the problem. The only way to escape me is to die...but I'm too chicken to do anything about it. My time in the hospital proved that.

I just feel trapped.

*Willow*

My voices have totally said the same **** when I smoke. That's wild.

Willow I'm sorry you're feeling so damn bad. It's just, it makes me want to yell "it's not fair!" when I read your posts. I hate that you've been dismissed so many times, because I believe your problems are very real. I wish I could do more to help but I do care.

why do you want to delete it?

Ok here is one more option...working both with and against the system...be the change they need, whether that is as a psychologist or just a patient activist. I started reading this book the bitterest pill written by a British psychiatrist. It's about the history of APs. I haven't gotten very far in but it's awesome to see a psychiatrist who is critical of APs. I suppose it's the evil in me but wouldn't it be fun to say to your OT your goal is to read this book...then you could educate her on your progress. Maybe it's just me who likes to mess with my therapy team but they actually seem to enjoy the challenge. Maybe make your goal finding out more about open dialogue? I know you were researching that before. If none of that works you can always try the fake it until you make it tactic. If there is literally nothing you want to do put some activities in a hat a pick one to be your new imaginary passion. It's a lot easier to go along with doing what they want you to do than to fight them at every step because they will withhold privileges such as therapy from you. So go through the motions, learn to play the keyboard, pick up chess whatever, it doesn't matter, just do it until you get what it is you really want. That's what most of us do in our day jobs anyway....it's like 8 hours of ok whatever you say for some cash flow and fun on the weekends. Anyway....I have hope for you! Hope you feel better soon.