[lilyvane]

I have hallucinations... or imaginary friends... either way, I see, hear, feel, and interact with things that are produced by my psyche. No, I don't go to therapy, or take anti-psychotics. I don't like doctors, and I don't believe in putting pharmaceuticals into one's body as a means to a cure. The body is meant to cure itself. I also feel, that as long as I know the difference between what is real, and what isn't (which has been a bit of a difficult lesson to learn), and as long as I am not violent, there is no need for pharmaceuticals or "doctors." Until recently I have had no one to talk to about my imaginary friends because I try to maintain in front of normal society that I am normal. This year has been a difficult one though, as I have struggled more with my imagination becoming much more active. I had suppressed it for about 3 years through high-school, but ever since I came to college, things have started to get progressively more intense. William, the first to reappear after my three year hiatus, is one of the more prominent of my friends, although he left last week for reasons I don't quite know or understand. One of the others told me he had business to deal with, and I have learned to just go with things as they come. He'll probably be back after a few months or so. I first saw William the summer between my sophmore and junior year, when he dropped out of my ceiling in my art studio and started talking to me. He first appeared as an elf that was about 3 foot high, with red clothing, and a red and black striped hat. He had really long fingers, a short wide nose, big blood-shot eyes, and long almost rabbit-like ears. He was funny but very calm and wise... almost like a demented form of Buddha. William always refered to me as "Little girl, little girl." He told me that he was my concience... and I'm alright with that. Since I came to college, he's appeared in both waking-life, and my dreams. In my dreams, he's been different things: a snake, a weird alien/octopus/creepy thing, a human, and some other things I'm probably forgetting. Before he left, he appeared most as a human. As a human, William is rather evil-looking, of course, he always was. He's my gaurdian, but that doesn't exactly making him all rainbows and bunny rabbits. He has thick red hair, and eyebrows that are always furrowed down. His eyes are brown and he's always got a smirk that has "scheming" writted all over it. He's a tricky little devil. The last dream he was in, he told me I was going to die because I wasn't really doing anything with my life and I was forsaking my values and my name, and when I woke up, he continued to talk to me about it. That night he was the scariest thing I knew. I did; however, not die because I resolved what the purpose (or one of them) of my life was. After that night, I started seeing more things, and relying more on William. The next one I saw was my childhood imaginary friend, Isabella. She had changed since I was 6, she had become younger, and the other day, she was playing jump rope in my bedroom. William and her talk a lot too. The last day I saw William was after I had not slept for 4 days. I'm an insomniac and that day was already not really going well. William followed me all the way to work. He likes to perch on things and be very sneaky and fast. I was trying to ignore him as I walked down 2nd street which was quite busy. But, he turned into a miniature version of his elf form and started doing cartwheels down the sidewalk. I wasn't really in the mood for any of it that day, so I was being kind of mean to him. He didn't take that for very long, and soon he became about 9 foot tall and started lecturing me. Who needs a soap box when you have the ability to tower over someone. He calmed down though, and put his arm through mine and walked me the rest of the way to work. I'm a seamstress, and I was trying to get some work done, but he kept trying to bring things that I didn't want to talk about up, which is something he always does. He forces me to confront issues. Well, we also walked home and Isabella joined us. When we got to my door, something very strange happened, the entire circle drive, street, and open fields were filled with talking people, who were not really there I'm assuming because as soon as it started, it ended. Then I walked in my door, and sat at my computer while Isabella played marbles on the floor. That was the last day I saw William. The next day at work, I don't remember his name, but he called me "doll-face", and he was wearing a pretty amazing 20's classic suit, with a black fedora with a green feather, and he was sitting across the table from me with his feet on the table. Anyways, he told me that William had to leave for awhile, and that he had some things to work out. The suit guy talked to me a little longer until one of my real friends got there, and he walked through the barred up, rusty old door in the basement. (The building was built in 1913 I think, and the door is all insulated up and barred with rusty metal and rusty padlocks. I'm kind of interested in what is behind it.) But anyways, so then many other imaginaries who I had never formally met before started talking to me. It almost seems as if I meet a new one every day. They're all interesting and terribly insightful. Tonight, Louis walked me home from my group meeting. Louis was tall, dressed in a nice wooled dress coat, black slacks, and black dress shoes, and a pair of black leather gloves. His hair was combed back, but a few pieces fell into his face. He was the perfect tall, dark, and handsome, with a slight French accent, and an elogance and hypnotic way to the manner in which he spoke. All of my imaginaries call me by a different name. Louis, called me "love." He did not follow me inside, but left me at the door. He had made me smile all the way home. Then, when I stepped in the door, Lenore was there, asking me about Louis. She was jumping around like a 12-year-old that had just met NSYNC back in '99. It was funny. Oh, and a personal piece of advice, never shut the door in an imaginaries face, they just appear on the other side when you turn around, and they're never too pleased. I miss William. I hope he comes back soon because I don't really know how to interpret all of these new imaginaries.
When all of this started happening again, I was very worried about my mental state. I was afraid that I was going more insane than I could possibly imagine. I stare of into space and start smiling at thin air, and watching things going on around me that no one else can see. It's almost terribly frightening, but amazing at the same time. It's hard having a roommate though, since it makes it so I can't ever speak out loud to any of them. I really need some alone time, because communicating with imaginaries through your head gets a bit exhausting. At least I'm not talking to thin air in front of people. I'm really afraid of getting put on medication that will %#@&#! with the way my mind works. At this point, I like whatever chemical imbalance is going on in my head; it is extremely insightful. Interacting with one's psyche is very interesting. It is getting harder to distiguish between what is real and what isn't though... and I need to make sure that I keep a check on that.
This last weekend my roommate was out of town, and William and Sam and Lenore were all playing games, and it was terribly bizzarre. They were being a bit violent, but in a cheesy cartoon sort of way. I've also noticed that Louis never goes inside, ever. I don't really understand what is going on with my head, but my hallucinations become more real everyday. It used to be that I would never see them if anyone else is around, but now they're around all of the time.

[Perna]

I had friends I tried to kill off so I could go out into the "real" world. It didn't work as it upset me too much and I realized if I couldn't get rid of what I'd created when I wanted to, I had a problem. I was 20. I'm 56 now and just finished therapy last year. I was never on meds. Find a therapist, someone to talk to, rather than a doctor, and see where it takes you. It sounds like your friends and you are clever and imaginative enough to figure out how to make it work (find a therapist that's the same :-) Good luck!

[beckyb342]

get help.you have a life to live just like everbody else.you need medicine to help you relate to others normally..those friends are nothing but imaginary.you can't lean on them.they are clever and they will always be there as long as you alow them to be there.you need help.medicine is not a cure,but tretment.theres is no cure.please get help.medicine is the only thing that going to help.

[beckyb342]

im in group therapy and guess what if the doctor diagnoses me with something else, i won't have to go in a hospital.he's saying possible bipolar that how i know,but i know im paranoid schizo.anyway,how do you know you're paranoid schizo without a diagnoses.you realy need a diagnoses.anyway,group therapy say they have the skills to treat you and make the diagnoses themselves.this is outpatient thearpy im talking about.the program i go to is called spectrum.i go every tues and thurs.and it really helps me.i've been going 6 months now.