[blackwhitered]

***TRIGGER WARNING***

So last night I took 400mg of Seroquel because the 600mg was making me gain weight and I'm not letting anyone but myself be in charge of that.

I had this weird brief feeling of depression, and at first I thought it was because I stopped taking the lithium, but now I realize it's because I got triggered thinking about the hospital. Sometimes I get flashbacks about being restrained and given the booty juice and all that. So I try not to think about it.

I have been hospitalized around nine times in the past year (literally--the anniversary of my first time just passed). I've actually kind of lost count. I remember the first time I was hospitalized that I met a girl who had been hospitalized 5 times who got discharged and returned not 48 hours later. And I thought that was CRAZY. Six times. And now it's been nine.

I am not going back. I don't care how bad it gets.

Last night I had another in a series of nightmares. The voices make me have nightmares to desensitize me. They're trying to get rid of my fear. In the dream, I was in school and there was a shooting. And I kept trying to hide, curling up behind the door and ducking down so the shooter (a girl) couldn't see me. I had my phone on me, but I couldn't decide who to call or text. And then she broke down the door and killed everyone.

Which is an improvement on some of the other nightmares I've had recently. There was one where I was in an old house with a bunch of people I didn't know, and someone was killing us off one by one. Agatha Christie style. At one point the killer was shooting at this little girl through a doorway (so we couldn't see the shooter) with a machine gun or something, and just kept shooting her in the neck until she was almost decapitated. And it's all in blaring detail. HD, Technicolor, extreme close-ups, etc. Seeing her eyes rolling back in her head and all that. Because they're putting on a show for me.

But I don't feel depressed anymore. I don't really care about anything because they took that away from me. I don't think anyone can help me because they can't even help themselves. There's just the mission. Nothing else.

I don't know if you guys are fans of Kurt Vonnegut, but in his books he had a mock religion called Bokononism. The idea behind it is that some lies and false beliefs are actually good for us. Like belief in a god and an afterlife, which helps us not be afraid of death and encourages us to be our best. So right now I feel like it would be most beneficial to the people around me to perpetuate some harmless lies. Like that everything is going to be okay. I'm getting better. I'm focusing on graduating, etc. I don't want anyone to be afraid for me. Or of me.

[Erti]

Maybe the Seroquel is causing nightmares. I've read somewhere on here that some are having the same issues.

[newtus]

i get flashbacks about the hospital too. your like me. i have nightmares of shootings too.

[junkDNA]

i love vonnegut. i have most of his books.

[RRex]

I have flashbacks of my hospitalizations. Many weird things happened. I can't get them out of my head.

[blackwhitered]

So I'm feeling a little better. For a stupid reason. I ordered new colored contacts (I like dressing up I guess), one dark brown pair and one light blue pair, both circle lenses (make your eyes look bigger). I want to wear one of each to make it look like heterochromia. And I'm just trying to focus on that, and oddly it's helping.
I know I'm not free from my obligations and this isn't over yet, but at least I have leverage to delay things. And I don't have to be focused on my work all the time.
It's the first time I've felt any relief in a while. Like I said, I'm NOT depressed, but all this business has made me so on guard and nervous. Always preoccupied.
And now that I'm focused on something in this world, I'm getting less interference from the others.
I just hope this feeling will last.
I need something to tether me down so I don't fade away completely.

[blackwhitered]

So after I posted that message some bad stuff happened.
Going to bed last night was a nightmare. I thought I was feeling better... But then there were demons in my room. I could not close my eyes for even a second without them playing with my hair, touching inside my ear, and biting me. They would make sounds of moving around the room and breathing in my ear. I wasn't even close to being asleep because my heart was pounding, so I know it wasn't another nightmare. When I opened my eyes I could see them running away to hide.
I had to take ativan (something that literally knocks me out and gives me amnesia and which I'm no longer prescribed) just to ignore them and fall asleep because there was nothing I could do without waking my mom.
As a result I didn't wake up until like 5 today...