[Djinn8]

I live in a state of constant denial. In my denial, my mind twists my experiences. My world takes on a new shape that does not make sense. I become paranoid. I suffer existential fear and anxiety from the mismatched reality. I see and hear hallucinations as my subconscious attempt to break down the dogmatic walls I have built. Eventually the weight of those experiences is too much and those walls come crumbling down. I am forced to swallow the “red pill” and I am exposed to raw truth. The experience is terrifying as I suddenly find myself in a new reality with a new understanding of myself and my place in life. I undergo psychosis as the last vestiges of my delusion crumble. I become suicidal with the fear and confusion and the figurative “death” of my old existence. But if/when I survive I am granted the greatest gift - total and absolute clarity! In this moment of clarity I become the embodiment of Judgment. I make hard choices and I alter my life in what way I can to be most beneficial. Once done, I set out once more to walk the road of my life, doomed to repeat my folly over again.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Djinn8

I live in a state of constant denial. In my denial, my mind twists my experiences. My world takes on a new shape that does not make sense. I become paranoid. I suffer existential fear and anxiety from the mismatched reality. I see and hear hallucinations as my subconscious attempt to break down the dogmatic walls I have built. Eventually the weight of those experiences is too much and those walls come crumbling down. I am forced to swallow the “red pill” and I am exposed to raw truth. The experience is terrifying as I suddenly find myself in a new reality with a new understanding of myself and my place in life. I undergo psychosis as the last vestiges of my delusion crumble. I become suicidal with the fear and confusion and the figurative “death” of my old existence. But if/when I survive I am granted the greatest gift - total and absolute clarity! In this moment of clarity I become the embodiment of Judgment. I make hard choices and I alter my life in what way I can to be most beneficial. Once done, I set out once more to walk the road of my life, doomed to repeat my folly over again.

I don't know your Dx, Djinn, but your experience sounds like bipolar to me. The darkvalley and the mountain top. I've walked this very road a million times. The fog that chokes everything and then the clear blue sky.... in an endless cycling dance of chaos....

I'm glad you're out of the darkness for now, at least.

[BadFish1519]

That was excellently put, empathetically able to be felt and thought provoking. I'm not sure what you are going through, but I encourage you to write. As a schizophrenic I feel this and I'm sure others would be able to feel more understood as they read it too. Very intelligent!

[Djinn8]

Hey there, I don't mean to necro my thread but I thought I'd catch up with what came after the above revelation.

So, people who have read my earlier posts will know that I was suffering at the hands of my family. Well, I took steps and have cut of contact with them. It has left me very alone, but at the same time free from all the worst of the negativity that I was surrounded by.

Life has taken a turn for the better since then. I have found a job. My dream job in fact. I've been hired to create a line of war gaming miniatures and I'm being payed a decent amount to do so (well decent for art work anyhow). I have also been asked to take part in an exhibition, which will be a first for me, and to work on a giant diorama for an upcoming convention.

Recently I also fell in with a group of artists who run an underground rave club; the profits from which go to the mental health charity, MIND. There, along with the general duties of arranging events, I have been tasked with creating art and sculpture to decorate the club.

I have also been offered to come in as a specialist for workshops, working with an art therapist and teaching teens how to sculpt.

And well, it all just goes to show that great things can happen when you choose to take control of your life and be your own person. How long will all this last? I don't know. Fortune and I have never been on the greatest of terms and I've always been running a cyclic route of disaster. But for now at least, life seems to have promise.

[faerie_moon_x]

Thanks for the update! How exciting to get to work with your art. I'm really glad things are going so well for you.

Originally Posted by Djinn8

But for now at least, life seems to have promise.

I'm so glad that things are looking up for you Djinn

*Willow*