[transient]

I might seem articulate to you all, I know my therapist and mother have told me I am, but there's something wrong in my head. I have ptsd (possibly c-ptsd) and a few other mental illnesses that effect my thinking, but I'm almost positive it's the schizoaffective disorder depressive type that's doing this to me.
[I'm allowed to post here, right? since schizoaffective has is a mix of schizophrenia? I somehow relate to posters in this board more, though.)

Anyway, it's really extremely hard for me to think of words nowadays. Words I've learned years ago. My thoughts get so jumbled up, and before anyone says it I don't think it's mania or "racing thoughts", it's more like I get multiple thoughts at the same time. Especially if someone is talking to me, it gets worse. To better describe it- Imagine a brain storming web that you were probably taught in school, but instead of having one main bubble, have at least 2-4, make bubbles added to the first ones, then those, etc. And then the thoughts I end up with I automatically can tell how they relate in an abstract way, without words. It's a mess. I made a picture in case that didn't make sense: here
I feel like there is a filmy substance covering my brain and blocking certain things:

• Language- my speech impediment always gets worse when I have more psychotic symptoms. losing words from memory/ forgetting they exist, and having trouble finding them again. I also skip around in conversation a lot because of the word thing in my head, and the weird thoughts, more recently I seem to make a tiny bit less sense when I'm trying to tell someone something. Occasionally I'll also only say part of a sentence, because I thought I said the whole thing, or I think they heard my thoughts, or I just forget.

• Learning. In October I was tested for a learning disability, but they found none, and my language and vocabulary scores were actually above average, so why is this happening?
  I can read something that interests me, ie an article, and then 20 minutes later as I try to recall it to tell someone about it, I've already lost all the details. But it's weird, because I know them, but abstractly. I know that doesn't make sense. I can't seem to bring certain thoughts into the realm of words, though.

I try to be concise and I try to make sense, but the harder I try the more words come out, and the more I mess it up. Sometimes I can spend up to an hour editing a barely two paragraph post because I want it to make sense to others, but it won't make sense to me anymore. [this happened with this post]

When I'm reading I have internal audio hallucinations, and text bothers me depending on the shape and spacing, so that makes it hard, as well as sometimes I just see little lines and theres not a lot of language connection. And a lot of colors affect me, too. Online, in art, in the environment, in my room... I can't clean my room because there are so many ugly colors.

A few weeks ago I was confiding in my mom about an abuser, and I laughed at the horrified angry look she gave me, but I covered it up. and a while ago when I was on the phone with someone, suddenly their grandma fell or something and I laughed to myself, even though it wasn't funny to me. They didn't hear it thank gods. but is this kinda the "inappropriate" effect that some people experience? I'm worried of it happening more than it already does.

Anyway I hope that covered a little of the weird thinking part.

I've been avoiding people a lot. I already have high social anxiety, little to no trust of others, and "avoidant and dependent traits". Aside from being physically unwell, I'm mentally unwell and don't leave my house that often. I feel like everyone in my neighborhood is watching me, I feel like those kids I yelled at years ago for being terribly rude are talking about me everytime they see me.
I can't make eyes contact because I think they can tell what has happened to me, and I feel vulnerable.
I don't trust people- If I get a job and had to go by public bus, I'd be worried the whole time that someone would try to mug me or worse. I'm untrusting of people standing behind me in lines at stores, I think they would try to do something to me.

When I'm conversing with people, I physically feel my face twitch, or it feels very stiff, or it feels like it looks horrible and demonic. I'll ask my mom if I looked different than normal, but she'll say no, that I looked fine and confident.

I don't even want to talk to people anymore, but I do at the same time. Very ambivalent about it. I have an online friend who talked to me pretty regularly, but she started college and now I don't know what to say, so I've pushed her away with a half lie about being mentally unwell, and turned my phone off. I've avoided my therapist for months even though I might need to call her, but she has been very subtly ableist and talks too much, but I don't have the ability to switch at the moment. And my recent encounter with an ableist, rude doctor totally put me off of talking to anyone.

I can't tell if I'm being paranoid, because my hindsight is 1000% better than when I'm experiencing a moment. I don't really know why I'm posting this anyway. People give me great advice and it helps to know they're thinking about me, but rarely am I able to take advice and put it to good use. Can someone just.. help me figure out the labels for what I'm going through? I know the general idea about my sza, but the terms get me. Any technical stuff doesn't stay with me. I think I might be having some sort of cognitive decline?

[ZehR]

I clicked here because the title is basically like the definition of schizotypal personality disorder. Your post reminds me a lot like myself. So much so that it's kind of scary but I'm used to it. I'm still wondering about my "Cognitive decline" which seems to be a lot worse when I'm not mentally well.

I would like to just fit all of my problems under one label such as schizotypal personality disorder but it helps to expand for me since schizotypal is like a mix of OCD/ADHD/Very bad anxiety/Psychosis. For me, I have those disorders individually anyways (Apart from psychosis 99% of the time) and it feels like I'm just drifting around in my mental horrors 80% of the time. Schizo-something disorders in themselves are quite related so I might be able to relate. I saw your profile page and you have OCD mentioned. My main concern when I went to seek treatment was for OCD and psychosis. I find it really weird how a lot of these disorders correlate.

I don't know where to begin so I'll just throw myself into it anywhere..

The weird thinking I guess is just a very messed up, annoying and at times, an almost disabling but unique way in which our minds work. For me, it becomes more apparent when I'm under stress/manic due to new antidepressants/agitated mania/hyper, etc. I don't consider myself to be very articulate in the first place. Even when I want to tell someone something, I still make no sense sometimes because I just want to explain everything in order but there is no order. It's just chaotic and I'm the only one that has the general idea of what I want to say unless they are reading my mind.. how do I know.. It would seem kind of pointless for me to explain myself when people already know but I have to say it anyways because that's what they want.

I was also tested for a learning disability but it came back normal with a few exceptions of a much higher than average ability in math and a very bad memory which doesn't surprise anyone. I could read a book in one day and forget it almost completely the next day. The same goes for watching movies or having a conversation.

I also try to make sense with each post that I make but sometimes it just flat out doesn't make any sense what so ever so I have to edit and write and edit again. If I don't get it right, I either don't post which is 99% of the time, or I hope that the person can understand through thought. Not in reality but to somehow use that mentality to increase the chances of making some sort of sense to someone. I also can spend over an hour editing/erasing (Mostly erasing) and rewriting a few paragraphs and then erasing it for good even. Everyone has OCD in some form or another, but this is why we call it a disorder.

"When I'm reading I have internal audio hallucinations, and text bothers me depending on the shape and spacing, so that makes it hard, as well as sometimes I just see little lines and theres not a lot of language connection. And a lot of colors affect me, too. Online, in art, in the environment, in my room... I can't clean my room because there are so many ugly colors.

A few weeks ago I was confiding in my mom about an abuser, and I laughed at the horrified angry look she gave me, but I covered it up. and a while ago when I was on the phone with someone, suddenly their grandma fell or something and I laughed to myself, even though it wasn't funny to me. They didn't hear it thank gods. but is this kinda the "inappropriate" effect that some people experience? I'm worried of it happening more than it already does."

That first paragraph just reminds me of how matter in reality can invade/assault my mind. I just try to do something with it or get aggravated. The presence of someone doing something such as washing the dishes upstairs could mean that they are trying to tell me something or with the noise that they make. (But that's mostly schiz). Sometimes I can't clean my room almost because of that same reason. It could be too dirty, not dirty enough, there could be something on the floor that tells me that I should clean it at a certain time. It's obviously irrational but the obsessive compulsive thought to act upon it is so overwhelming. Most of the times it's 50/50 and so I'd rather chose the possibility over nothing and then be done with it. This is why I try to distract myself from these thoughts by excising, talking idk anything.

I think with the last paragraph, it's just intrusive thoughts. This used happen to me all the time until idk I guess the meds helped. The best thing to do is not to ignore it, but to just brush it off as if it's nothing. Many people can go 10+ years without being diagnosed with OCD but we know what is it now. Maybe it could help you but for me, being diagnosed doesn't really help me even if I recognize these thoughts but practice helps I think.

With the avoiding people, I think it's paranoia in relation to your schizoaffective. Everyone behaves in that way but not to the extent that we do. A lot of things can cause cognitive decline especially psychosis and mania. I think depression does the same thing but it just takes a longer amount of time.

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How do you cope with wanting to avoid others but at the same time wanting to talk with them and be able to express yourself enough?

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[ZehR]

I'm cold and anxious right now and don't really know what I said but ill look at it later ..