[Sparking1]

I wrote a book in my last post, maybe it was too much? I got no responses, not even a welcome to the forum. Maybe its cause I don't accept the experience of what's normally considered hallucinations and delusions as completely mental illness. Maybe I didn't convey that I'm in pain. Its hard to talk about. I no longer get psychic attacks, as I see them, but I also no longer get the rest of the experience which expanded reality beyond my wildest dreams. Maybe that's a pun. So now I find myself with all these brainmaps I created to make my book and a lifetime of experience in my private world, but needing to merge back into mainstream society without killing myself over how depressing normal life is. I guess I'm off to a great start, getting a job after five years of unemployment, but its minimum wage. At least its outdoors. I exercise and eat right too. I'm going natural with treatment since meds just depress me too much. I see a therapist, a caseworker, and someone for community integration. Please talk to me if you got advice about merging after recovery.

[faerie_moon_x]

I can relate sort of. I didnt' have a clear memory of my experiences, something happened and I can't say what because I have no memory of it. But, there are times I remember when I felt all powerful. I was the chosen one once, with magical powers and all. Now I'm just a human and I see all of that was happening to me without actually happening in the world. Sometimes I wish I still had that all powerful feeling, but I also don't want to have the fear of being hunted down like I had at that time, either.

I didn't see your post before. I've kind of been off site a lot, due to some issues and stress. I'm sorry you didn't get a response.

[Sometimes psychotic]

I'm not sure which post you mean...I responded to your other post and then you responded to me. Some of these things take time due to moderation of your first 5 posts they don't show up right away for everyone else...is there some other post we didn't see?

Your first 5 posts get moderated before we can see them so they sometimes get missed, which isn't great when you're new and reaching out, so I'm sorry that you felt ignored And welcome to the S&P forum!

I don't know what you mean about "merging after recovery" or in your other thread about sz being metaphysical, but then I don't know much about metaphysics. But I too am trying to recover from whatever it is that I have (I'm not sure) without the input of psychiatry, so feel free to join in here

*Willow*

[ickydog2006]

I think a lot of us just don't know how to respond sometimes.

[Yoda]

With >2000 posts/day on PC I often miss threads that I would like to read & post in. Keep posting!

Yoda: I love your designated driver pic!

*Willow*

[Victoria'smom]

I seem to miss a lot of posts, sorry.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Yoda: I love your designated driver pic!

*Willow*

Thanks

[Sparking1]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. I think I was just eager to talk and breaking under the pressure to believe the coincidence was yet another reason to think I was being singled out for lifelong isolation. I am so comforted that you want to console me.

faerie_moon_x Maybe you are a chosen one in your own microcosm. I think it helps to look at yourself like that. Everyone's destiny is important, but sometimes we lose sight of that in saying words like 'everyone'. I think in order to make this world work for you, we need to see it in terms of us being the center. After all, we can only start from there. I really don't believe that my thoughts have been false. Maybe someday I might, but I believe that if I stay on the path of the highest logic and love, that I can find the path to heal myself, no matter what it takes. It sounds like you're not exactly feeling like any of your thoughts were helpful, but you did say you missed the feeling of power. We're talking self-empowerment I think and not take over the world power. I find that a lot of schizophrenic experiences people report having full on hallucinations that don't seem to fit any patterns, like hearing orders to kill or seeing the sidewalk burn. While I think I have much more control over mine, I get extremely painful depression, some social paranoia, and what others would call verbal hallucinations. And a tiny bit of a manic rush when things start going well.

Weeping Willow 23... I mean that one half my personality seems to mostly believe in this alternate life in my head with truly incredible understandings about life and the universe, that my life has much more meaning that a mere one life and stuff... and the other half has the simple fearful understanding of a child trying to merge as a woman confident in herself. I've been out of the game of life for four years, seven since I went off the deep end in the first place, despite having socialized a lot then, mostly. I would like to talk about what I'm expected to do to overcome such a gap. Its not like I spent some time on a deserted island, I was stuck inside my head thinking and often being beyond terrified. I'd like to hear from some fellow sufferers.

And you're going the natural route too? I'm so pleased to hear from someone who doesn't take meds. I really can't, I'd want to kill myself. I think I need the emotions I'm rooted in to understand myself and fuel my recovery or I'll sink into confusion and depression. Not that meds aren't perfect for times when you can't handle it all.

PS Yoda, I like the picture too.