psychosis wrecked me

nehalemqueen · Jul 07, 2014, 04:28 PM

Hi all, I'm Marlowe. A year ago or so, I ended up having a huge psychotic break and was hospitalized after getting progressively worse over the course of many months due to uncontrolled bipolar disorder. I heard things, saw things, thought people were talking about me, and a lot more. It was horrifying, and even though it hasn't really gotten to that point since, I'm always terrified in the back of my head that it could happen again. I'm also still dealing with some of the bad choices I ended up making when I was that sick. I just really don't know how to move on from some of this--I've talked to a close friend about it, but it doesn't feel like it helps as much because she's never lived it like i did. I don't know, how do you guys deal with this kind of stuff?

costello · Jul 07, 2014, 09:15 PM

Welcome to PC, Marlowe.

I'm not sure you can consider the things you did when you were sick to be 'choices.'

Sometimes psychotic · Jul 07, 2014, 09:23 PM

It takes time...I'm three years out from my break and while it could happen again I'm really careful to watch for changes in sleep and other indicators that things might be a little off and my docs think I'm probably in the clear for now. Some people actually get a little bit of PTSD from a break so it actually helps to get some therapy where you can discuss openly how bizarre and disturbing it was with a pro and they can tell you about other people and how they have dealt with it. Also I've found this forum to be fantastic for hearing from other people and how they made it through things...

TheatreKid · Jul 07, 2014, 09:51 PM

I agree that it takes time. Time and therapy helped me accept what had happened to me. Like you, my psychosis terrifies me. I thought I had been completely redefined as a person. Even when I'm super manic, I'm both elated and terrified. For a long time, I felt like I was causing more episodes by freaking out about the possibility of having one. The slightest turn of mood made me panic, and I do think I brought on some of my symptoms myself.

I'm more stable now than I've ever been, my psychiatrist agrees. I got there through learning to live in the now. It's very likely at some point in my life I'll be manic, depressed, or psychotic again, but I'm not going to live there. I'm going to live here, where I'm happy even though I have $0 in the bank and am floundering at school. I'm content, peaceful, and confident I'll get through whatever happens. And I only got there through time and therapy.

Jul 07, 2014, 10:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nehalemqueen

Hi all, I'm Marlowe. A year ago or so, I ended up having a huge psychotic break and was hospitalized after getting progressively worse over the course of many months due to uncontrolled bipolar disorder. I heard things, saw things, thought people were talking about me, and a lot more. It was horrifying, and even though it hasn't really gotten to that point since, I'm always terrified in the back of my head that it could happen again. I'm also still dealing with some of the bad choices I ended up making when I was that sick. I just really don't know how to move on from some of this--I've talked to a close friend about it, but it doesn't feel like it helps as much because she's never lived it like i did. I don't know, how do you guys deal with this kind of stuff?

I completely understand.

I had a psychotic break 3 yrs ago. I haven't been the same. I too am bipolar. My cognitive abilities have decreased, I'm not as creative, I'm not as eloquent and my self esteem has plummeted. That also has to do with the weight gain I experienced with the meds. I'm not as social bc I feel embarrassed by it all. I was diagnosed with bp when the psychosis happened. I don't know if I'll ever be back to the old me.

I get paranoid easier and my hypos seem to be gone. I don't have lots of words of comfort but I understand. It sucks! Hopefully it will get better in time.