i feel that there has been a lot of psychological & emotional abuse in certain ways within the family dynamics.

My family dynamics have been dysfunctional. It's hard to try & sum it all up & explain it all, with everything that has gone on. i feel very much that a lot psychological & emotional needs were not met growing up & that certain family members were psychologically & emotionally abusive. It was in ways a toxic environment.

The wider society - this culture also seems psychologically & emotionally abusive in ways. As does the schooling system - some of it worse than others.

How much of all this has been a part of my diagnosis of schizophrenia?

When i first experienced severe psychosis, the response from the system was violent, & i feel i've been abused by the psychiatric system. In the 25 years since first being in hospital, i've felt a lot of trivialisation, blame, invalidation, unacknowledgement & denial.

My mum was loving & caring. She went through a very hard time during the pregnancy of me & my bro, & a difficult birth – going through a bad divorce from my father, who was violent. She struggled a lot during our early years, bringing up 2 kids on her own. From when I was age 3 she started a long term 34 year relationship with a man I didn't get on with.

My twin brother has been in addiction for 30 years. I was also in addiction 17 years, but have been clean & sober 13 years.

I've been single 16 years & living alone 13 years. I've had quite an isolated & lonely life. I've always argued a lot with my brother, & for the past 4 years my mum has had Alzheimers. The family dynamics have always been hard. There is no other close family.

I haven't had much success with psychologists/therapists, & I was discharged again from mental health services over 2 years ago. I have made a lot of progress but also feel that I can't more fully resolve certain things. People don't appear able to really understand my experiences.

I've posted a lot on-line over the past 10 years, & generally people are OK & there are some good people, but i've also been attacked a lot. People seem to have a lot of anger, hate & blame in them. Some days I think a majority of people have Devils in them. That is the way I see it.

I try to let go & be accepting & grateful, but certain things are very hard to more fully let go of. I also hate this civilisation/society – it appear to me to be barbaric & very backward, especially in the ways people are treated, especially those in need of help, & who are vulnerable. A lot of the time I want to hide away from it all. There is currently a big agenda in the UK against the sick & disabled, with a lot of cuts to the benefits system. It has caused me a lot of worry & concern, as i'm dependent on benefits. I find it very hard to have any hope about the future – have not felt well & had a very hard year this year.

[Angelique67]

I wonder if anything will ever really be ideal on earth. As mammals we have a lot of hardwired fight or flight type stuff we may never overcome, plus, I tend to think that in spiritual terms earth is purgatory. So it can never be very good. Probably not helpful words, sorry. But I have an unexpectant attitude toward the world and it helps me to expect little to nothing. The problem is, I get very little to nothing. :/

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I wonder if anything will ever really be ideal on earth. As mammals we have a lot of hardwired fight or flight type stuff we may never overcome, plus, I tend to think that in spiritual terms earth is purgatory. So it can never be very good. Probably not helpful words, sorry. But I have an unexpectant attitude toward the world and it helps me to expect little to nothing. The problem is, I get very little to nothing. :/

Thank you for the reply. For some souls i think this earth/planet is a kind of Hell - it often feels like a Hell to me.

i think that there is more to it all than 'just' human nature - i think there is a force/agenda of evil on this planet. Exactly what form that takes i'm not exactly sure.

Probably best to not have expectations.

[Angelique67]

I think we're here as a sort of trial. Meant to do the best we can under extreme adversity. Always has seemed that way to me. Very hellish. But there is a lot of beauty, and lots of it created by people in terrible struggles.

Have been arguing a lot with my bro this week. He's been very angry. It makes me feel so bad. i have very little support in my life. My mum is very unwell, & there's no other family. i do have friends, but i don't see a lot of them. i get these really bad feelings in my torso, in my chest/heart & stomach, but especially in the heart area - it feels very physical.

i don't know what to do with it all? Have tried my best with everything. There's no help from the mental health system. Am on my own with a lot of stuff. i get so sick of feeling so bad most of the time.

[Angelique67]

I wish I knew what to suggest. I usually just feel bad until it stops. Eat something? Listen to music?

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I wish I knew what to suggest. I usually just feel bad until it stops. Eat something? Listen to music?

i use a basic mindfulness & just sit with it all until it passes. i smoke a lot, & drink a lot of tea & coffee as well, which i know isn't good, but it's what i do. & i try & look after myself as best i can.

i can't walk away from it all, for various reasons. The dynamics are in depth & complex. It just feels like i've had a very shi*ty & horrible life in many ways. It's hard to see any resolution to things or to have any hope. The situation with family won't change, & the circumstances i'm in - long term sick on benefits won't change either. If anything it'll all just get worse.

i get very confused about the condition/experiences as well. Sometimes it seems very compelling to accept the medical model that the primary difficulty is a genetic/brain condition & the best thing is pills. i've recently been prescribed anti-depressants, but not taken them yet. i'm tempted to take them. Another part of me very much thinks that things have been primarily psychological/spiritual & social. i suppose it's aspects of all of it - bio/psycho/social/spiritual.

Just wish life would go better & i could feel better. This society appears horrible to me, & everything going on in the World. & my own life feels very bleak as well at times.

[costello]

Originally Posted by Apotheosis

Thank you for the reply. For some souls i think this earth/planet is a kind of Hell - it often feels like a Hell to me.

There's no doubt in my mind that hell is right here on earth. It's cruel when people claim that people who commit suicide, for example, are going to hell. They're merely trying to escape hell as they see it.

i think that there is more to it all than 'just' human nature - i think there is a force/agenda of evil on this planet. Exactly what form that takes i'm not exactly sure.

I think there's no force for evil. What we've made is just the result of billions of people over many millennia doing stupid stuff and making bad decisions.

i don't know Costello? Apparently i have a brain condition that alters perceptions. i wonder with everything.

[costello]

I wish I could come and give you a hug, Apotheosis. Well, honestly, I'm not much of a hugger, so that'd probably just be awkward, but I wish I could come and sit down with you for a while.

Here's a virtual hug.

<== not awkward

[costello]

Originally Posted by Apotheosis

i don't know Costello? Apparently i have a brain condition that alters perceptions. i wonder with everything.

I don't have a brain condition, and my perceptions aren't altered anymore that the average person, and I think we're mostly living in a nightmare (=hell). I don't think lying about it helps.

[costello]

I think that all we can do is try to refrain from inflicting any more pain on ourselves or anyone else.

I have to shower now to go hang out with my mom who also has dementia.

Take care.

Apotheosis

The only thing that I have to offer that might be of use is for you to know that you are not alone. I too struggle with family dynamics and £ worries about being on benefits. Family is complicated; family members with dementia even more so. The Govt has it in for those of us on benefits, and the CMHTs are worse than useless. I don't have any answers. People don't care. All there is is to put one foot in front of the other until we die.

All the best

*Willow*

Thank you both for your replies. Today was calmer. i am very close with my mum & bro, & they are loving. Has just been hard for all of us, as life is.

Can 'only' do the best we can with what we have.

[costello]

Originally Posted by Apotheosis

Today was calmer.

That's how it is. Sometimes you feel awful, then eventually you don't. It doesn't help much (at least it doesn't for me) to hear it when you're feeling awful. But if you just wait, it will pass.

[likewater]

Originally Posted by costello

I don't have a brain condition, and my perceptions aren't altered anymore that the average person, and I think we're mostly living in a nightmare (=hell). I don't think lying about it helps.

I believe that life is Hell and also Heaven. I also very much believe in good and evil. I also look for the strength that I get from being a survivor and having a fractured psyche. I have opportunities to see great beauty that others don't. I'm beginning to be at peace with life. I am supposed to be on this path. my nightmare of abuse and being trapped is behind me so I'm happy that I can have my pets and eat when I want. No one is going to hurt me that way ever again.,

As a response to those taking care of moms with Alzheimer's or dementia. I took care of my Grandpa and Grandma. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I think it permanently entwined our souls. I feel them so very close to me daily.

Reviving this thread. Had another very bad day today, which i get sometimes - same feelings & circumstances. Feel my brother is at times emotionally, verbally & psychologically abusive. He gets very angry with me at times, then denies he is & blames me. It brings up a lot of stuff from the past.

He won't really communicate honestly & openly, & lies a lot.

All that said we're also very close.

Have spent the day on my own - took extra of the medication & a valium earlier & slept for a bit. Managed to get out & do a bit of shopping, but am not hungry. Haven't eaten much the past 2 days.

Am seeing a friend tomorrow, which may help.

Has felt like i'm in a kind of hell again today, like no one cares. Like this planet is a Hell.

Same story with everything, same unresolved issues & difficulties. Nothing that i feel is genuine understanding & support, although there are things to be grateful for.

Bad feelings inside & just don't feel mentally/emotionally well. & don't know how to resolve it. i'll make another appointment with the Doctor, but all there is there is more pills.

[ArthurDent]

I'm sorry it was a rough day, Apotheosis. I'll hope that tomorrow is better for you.

[The_little_didgee]

I have suffered because I was too sensitive and quirky. People constantly reminded me my different ways of thinking and being were repulsive and needed to be repaired. I was flawed and they were perfect. They could never do any wrong but me I was wicked and selfish. Psychiatry reinforced this especially when they misdiagnosed me and treated me like the plague. I tried to explain but they wouldn't listen. All I got from them was medication that made me ill, assumptions and a false family and medical history.

I carried the responsibility of their actions for years. I no longer do but it hasn't alleviated my suffering. I'm still a hurting mess, because I cannot make it in this brutal world. My ASD and illnesses (if I really have any that are considered disabling) isolate me even more.

This BS wasn't helped by my family. They didn't abuse me but I still got hurt. I really hated it when I was made to socialize with others. I was the target at school sometimes to the point of physical violence. Nobody did anything to stop it. Psychiatry got away with it too.

Most people are preoccupied with conformity. They just couldn't accept that many people are different and not ruthless like them. Why is being different so undesirable? I don't get it.

I've read a lot of posts on longing to be normal. I understand that wish. What they really want is to be accepted and valued for who they are.

Earth is hell and so are people.

Sorry for the rant.