[Jesseh]

I went to see my psychiatrist last Wednesday. Before last Wednesday I had been feeling somewhat better (less depressed) so I only had good things to tell my psychiatrist... The couple days before I saw my Pdoc my hallucinations had been slightly more frequent.. I mentioned that I was still having hallucinations- but that they weren't as evil/malicious towards me. She increased my seroquel XR from 400 to 600 mg. And said I could continue to take 100mg of regular seroquel during the day if i needed it. I usually need it. Sense I saw my Pdoc I have become much more socially withdrawn, my hallucinations are becoming more angry at me. They are urging me to hurry up and finish my plans. They are telling me that if I don't hurry I will fail at my mission and my death will have been for nothing. I have also begun to have sort of paranoid thinking. I am usually somewhat paranoid, particularly around people, but this is different. Its like all of my thoughts are consumed with people wanting to kill me, people controlling my thoughts, people controlling my actions and behaviors.... it's kind of weird. I have begun to find it difficult to focus, and ive started to get really angry at even little things- like really irritable to the point where i get annoyed if people try to talk to me without me initiating conversation first...... These are familiar feelings, I felt them in my last episode... So I am kind of concerned that i might be starting to have another episode... except this time im not manic and having an episode so its a little weird for me. I am also not depressed. The seroquel seems to have leveled out my emotions... so its really confusing that i would be having a psychotic episode without being on a mood extreme...

[The_little_didgee]

Your description sounds like early psychotic symptoms. You still have insight and there doesn't seem to be any delusions present. What was your previous episode like? Where did the BPD label come from?

What is your plan? Suicide?

[Jesseh]

The BPD diagnosis is somewhat new, although my previous psychiatrist thought i might have it... my current pdoc is the one who diagnosed it. I have no clue why... i do have fears of abandonment occasionally but i dont have rapid intense mood swings other than gettiing really angry on occasion... im really not sure why i am diagnosed as BPD..... and i cant leave yet, i have important work to do.. and in my last episode i thought the goop was going to kill me. I was hositalized.. i thought the goop had taken over the hospital and i dont remember much else of what happened. All i have to go on is what i wrote down in my journal during my episode. i remember it was over pretty quickly... it was also my first episode. They started me on 2.5 mg of zyprexa and then increased it to 5 mg i was out of the hospital after like a week and a half... but the meds didnt work for very long. i also couldnt eat because when i put food in my mouth it turned into bugs. (which is another concerning thing about the passt couple days, my appetite has decreased drastically) I thought the goop was trying to get my DNA... Ive been thinking about this the past couple of days as well... i also have a running delusion that im a lizard. i know people tell me its not real and that i am human, but it is much more difficult to make myself believe that.. i have two voices that up until today had been very scarce (before i started meds they were around all of the time and were very mean)... sorry if all of this is confusing... im having trouble wrapping my thoughts around what is going on and what went on. it is rather difficult to think and try to explain things.