Roll Call 61

The sound is almost like thunder, sort of a roar but not thunder. It's like a giant bucket of water overturned in the sky and still hasn't died down. It is pretty cool but I'm worried about bugs washing in through the cracks.

There's a flash flood warning for my town. Luckily I'm on a hill. But if the power goes out I guess at least I won't have to hear the noise downstairs.

Psychiatrist session this morning was just filling out papers.

Psychologist appointment was the best that I've ever had. I'm a bit symptomatic and he explained what is happening so well. Amazing except I'm still a bit symptomatic and confused trying to figure out what is real or not. So good at his job that I can't believe it. Our conversation should have been recorded and put on youtube. It would help so many people. Just brilliant.

We were talking about how I wasn't able to function while sick when I did all that manic stuff with the flooded apartment, alcohol, cigarettes, drug abuse, blowing all my money, insane overdoses, data bills, running away in pjs in bare feet in the middle of the night, 911 calls, thinking my mom and step dad want to kill me, running away from helicopters and some weird creepy horror film paranoia and delusions, etc.. So I have to be well for a while to prove myself which is why my mom is basically completely in control. Dopamine, serotonin balance. If I'm very well for a long time, I can have a beer or two but ya no more than that and I'm ok with it.

My mom told me about what she wants for me in life and started to cry because I get so delusional that I didn't trust her in the past and that she just wants me to be sick and have control over me. Then I started to cry because that's not me. I know she wants the complete opposite. I hate it when she cries. I trust her and always will. If I become delusional, I'll chose to trust no matter how delusional I get. I'd rather trust something that my brain doesn't believe as a rule if I remember.

I feel so bad. She says her children is why she stays working at a job that she hates so much.

I'm coming to terms that I have schizophrenia but I don't want to be dependent. I want to make my own money and enjoy it. I want my life back.

I don't care about the money because my mom signed 71 pages to manage my money so what ever. It's over 3k a month (Including my meds). I still don't care right now because I have no life. Everyone my age and friends on Facebook are having a good time like an amazing time. I've gotten over it so.. I accept this illness .. Sometimes.

Staying in high school and doing well on my English course but not going to post secondary education yet because it costs like 900 dollars every couple of weeks or something and high school, upgrading my marks is 150 dollars a year.

Unless I hate the place and want to move on already, I can afford it.

guys, this morning at work the old man bagger walked up to me and said "do you believe?" i looked at him and said "believe in what?" he said "jesus christ". UMM OMG DUDE! i said "no"... he asked me if i am an atheist and i said yes. he told me i need to change because we're not gonna be here forever. then he said he will pray for me even if i dont want him to. i said thats fine. THEN!!!!! he asked me about it again and asked if i have read the bible. i said yes i used to go to a christian school. he asked me if i knew john 3:16 and i said yes. i said bob, you aren't going to convert me. and then he stopped.

i cant believe he just put me on the spot like that. i knew he is very conservative and religious but i couldnt lie and tell him i believed in jesus. i would have been fine if he just asked if i believe, i said no, end of convo. but he started preaching to me and stuff.

i dont judge others for their beliefs and i dont try to talk people who believe different things out of their faith.

it just seems like a really personal question and certainly when asked at WORK!

i texted T and told him about it and my T said to tell him to shove it up his ***. i said wish i could

Hey everybody! Hope you're all well, haven't been around so trying to catch up on rollcall. Went to my pdoc appointment today and he told me this really funny story about a patient a long time ago who thought they had a microchip in his ear. I won't go into detail but it was funny, he wouldn't have told me it before when I thought I had a chip in my head and my arm so he found it appropriate to tell me now lol. I'm really lucky to have such a good pdoc!

Blue_Bird thanks for the post about South Park, I had no idea but was waiting for a new season! Will defo check it out next week!

What's everyone up to tonight?

im feeling paranoia so bad.
like someone is gonna hurt my dad. and me too. i feel paranoia. i feel it so bad.

why is my illness so bad?
i just want to run away from it.
i can barely do school right now. im procrastinating on it. idk how i do it. my illness and anxiety never let up but rarely. very extremely rarely.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

i feel the same so far today. lethargy and tiredness.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Newtus I hope you don't mind me saying this but you seemed like you where doing better before you increased your meds. Maybe this dose isn't right for you. You should talk to your doc about it and come to a solution together.

that reminded me of one time i was hearing voices and i thought the space heater was making it worse so T turned it off. next time we met the voices had left and i said i dont hear them in the space heater anymore. he said thats because i took the speaker out of it. haha

i was having symptoms on 10mg haldol but i wasnt so tired/lethargic if i can remember. which i barely can. its doing my mind in too. i had a lot of anxiety though still. but i was managing that with xanax. but as a side effect it made me very tired sometimes.

i feel lethargic/tired right now but i feel very agitated and restless too. so i cant sleep it off like id hope to do.

everyone wants me to be on this dose because they said i wasnt acting right on 10mg but 15mg makes me so...well you know. i said before. like THIS.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Haha it's great to be able to talk to people with a sense of humour! I love how they bring it up...afterward. God knows how I would have reacted when I was psychotic! It was really cool though because he mentioned the chip and where I was with it and I got really choked up and embarrassed, then he told me the story to cheer me up, legend!

Do you think you where acting right on it? I don't know you in real life so there's no way I can give an opinion, you just seemed better via your posts. At the end of the day everyone isn't dealing with these side effects, you are. Though hopefully they'll subside, I don't know a lot about that med just that I was given it as a sedative IM when I freaked out one time in the hospital, it's heavy duty stuff.

yea it is heavy duty. thats why i feel i dont need as much. i was acting right i thought but my dad said i was acting funny on 10. when i told my therapist she said thats prob why im not gettigg good sleep. which i just think im stressed out and wasnt sleeping well. and idk how i was acting funny on it. so idk. i didnt act out on anything i just felt paranoia and stuff.



i love my dad but im not in a good relationship with my mom. its just family problems. which make things worse.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Have you asked your PDoc if you could take lower dosages 3 times a day? That's what I have to do. I literally would crawl into a vacant apartment and take a 45 minute knap when I had to just take two pills, one in the morning and one at night.

currently im taking 15mg all at night. its horrible. idk how taking the dosage 3 times a day would work out because unless its completely lower like 10 than i would still be takig the same dosage. wouldnt i?

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

i shouldve put a trigger on that

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

It might help. Definitely talk to your pdoc about it.

As you know, I take 30 mg of Haldol all at night. Before it got increased, I was on 20 mg all at night. My pdoc suggested I try taking 10 mg in the morning and 10 mg at night to minimize the side effects. I did it for ten days, but ended up psychotic again, hearing voices, so I went back to taking all 20 mg at night. I think the twice daily dosing was maintaining a lower steady level of Haldol in my system and it wasn't enough for me. Maybe you will get a better result. This is only my experience.

(Jury's still out about whether 30 mg is helping more. It's been just over a week and I am still popping Klonopin for anxiety, which I was hoping to decrease. I've only heard voices once this week though, so that is good).

oh i see. thanks for the advice.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

There's this new advert out that I have seen a few times on billboards. It totally cracks me up! Thought you guys might also appreciate it.

Enjoy!



*Willow*