[astrocat4]

I'm a 21 year old guy, and ever since high school, my social life has been getting worse. I was never a social butterfly, but it's to the point where I get anxious just going to the store. I only go to work, and make a weekly trip to the store, and some trips to the gas station for cigarettes and such. I'm not anxious when talking one on one, but in large groups I am, and I've had problems with eye contact for a while. Since moving out of my parents' house, my hygiene has also dropped drastically. I sometimes hear my name, or what sounds like my name, in my coworkers' mouths, and instantly assume they are talking about me behind my back. I haven't. I've never had anything I can describe as definitely a hallucination. I sometimes hear what sounds like muffled conversations outside of my house, but these can easily be me hearing the air conditioner. While laying down at night, I hear very loud and random noise that are thoughts, not outside of my head. But they come out of nowhere and so much louder than my own thoughts. They range from strange voices saying something nonsensical to whirring and buzzing to laughing or screaming voices. I also sleep paralysis sometimes, but these things aren't hallucinations. I believe that karma is out to get me, because I had a couple of urges to do something bad back when I smoked pot daily and I acted on them, and since then, pretty bad things have happened to me. I'm a pretty good writer and believe that I am destined to become an extremely famous author. I'm not sure if these are delusions, but then again, I'm not sure me thinking I have something seriously wrong with me isn't a delusion. I mean, I was a crack baby, and by all rights, I should be dead, or severely handicapped in some way, but I'm smart, and healthy. Either my being born was a mistake or I am destined for something. I have to have something wrong with me, and my heavy marijuana use during high school leads me to believe it is schizophrenia. I took the insanity quiz, and I matched up with borderline personality disorder, and it fits me perfectly, but I can't get schizophrenia off my mind. On a side note, I have a history of self harm and have strong urges to do bad things still, but to both of these things, I've kept myself under control.

Possible trigger:

I've also had a few weak suicide attempt that no one knows about, and frequently fantasize about it, specifically being tortured and murdered. I even went so far as to post ads asking for a willing participant, and found someone. I was excited about it, even though it would involve very painful things.

The guy ended up chickening out, though. One of my worst fears is hallucinating, and because of the schizophrenia obsession, I get scared every time I hear something that
Might be a muffled conversation or a scream or a laugh, to the point where I actually start to believe I am about to hallucinate, and that scares me more, which drives my anxiety higher. Can someone please help me out?