[lozecontrol]

Friends i am suffering horribly and i think i need some help. First pardon my kinda bad english. I had some mental problems before puberty at age 12-14. I had constant fears and panics back than that world is about to end and things like that. I was thinking of it 24/7, had horrible problems at school, finaly we attended help but i didnt told the doctor my real crazy thoughs because i knew that they are considered unreal. He prescribed me antidepresants but i didnt take any of them. Some how yeal later things came to normal. I entered puberty and completely forgot my old demons, even considered them funny. Thing is now at the age of 24 they seem to return, but in new light. From last two years i live and work in a small town away from my family and friends. I dont know what triggered it but from year now horrible paranoia is haunting my mind. This time its now end of the wolrd. rather i fear everyone is against me and trys to hurt me in some way. Even when people act very gentle and good i find them as potential enemies. My mind thinks everyone is against me and are trying to get rid of me. I first started ruining my connections at work, we were great friends before but i started to think they are jealous of my and are trying to ruin my career. Then i turned against my firends, trying to avoid them as much as i can. Soon i broke up with my girlfriend, believeing she is being with my enemies, which i myself dont know who really are. I am avoiding everyone and fear talking with anyone as well. Soon i am so paranoid that everyone is against me that i started to hate people for no reason. Now dont think that i am kind of closed one- in fact when i was normal year ago i was always in the center of all parites and meetings, had lot of friends eveywhere. But my paranoia is stronger that that. At very last i started suspecting my father that he is with my enemies as well, so i stopped calling him. Its ridicilous i know. I still dont suspect my mother, but i dont know what will follow.The worst of all is that now i fear buying food and drinks from the shops here in this small town i am in, i think all the shop owners are somehow united against me. I need to take medicine for some health issues (not mental issues), but i recently started to fear taking them, there are only few pharmacies in the town and i dont trust any of them. I cant stop the medicine it will have very major impact. I dont know what to do, i try to look normal but all people here are understanding something is wrong. I dont show agression, just i avoid everyone. At first they were asking me whats going on but they stopped. I am absolutly sure that if i seek help i wont trust the doctor, neither i will take whatever he prediscribes me. When i see someone rich on tv or something, i imidiattly start to believe that he is against me and he will use his money and power to ruin my life. I dont know why they hate me- maybe they have problems with some family members of mine and want to revenge them but destroying me, or someone used my photos with fake facebook and insulted them or threatened them, so now they are thinking it is me. I dont know. I know it sound crazy and my logical part still knows that its impossible, but madness goes stronger and stronger. Other thing is that i lost my sexual diseres as soon as the madness started. I somehome belive that hormones have something to do with this (i am male if someone dindt understood), becuase i had similar fears before puberty. Then it was the world itself, now are the humans. I dont fear they will kill me, rather they will try make me destroyed and pathetic. I consider to commit suicide, no to let anyone sucseed. I constanly had nightmare (differnet everytime, not specific), as soon as i wake up and go to sleep i think about that. My last crazy mind is that they pood chemicals in my medicine and food that will make some mutation to my body, turn me into freak or something. Belive me people, this is eating my life. Just year ago everything looked so bright for me, now its a nightmare. And believe me, there isn't any underlying problem that can trigger this- i have good parents, i had nice friends and girlfriend with which we were planning to start family one day, i am not rich but make enough money at this point, i lift weights, consider myself good looking and confient, always helping other people. But now i fear everyone. Thats what it is. Enyone with similar expiriences and how you dealt with them. Thanks in advance

[thgonace]

Very difficult to read, you seem to understand that you are paranoid though. I can't tell if it is justified or not. I did my best, keep lifting weights and don't take anti psychotics if you don't need them. Best of luck.

Paranoia is a common side effect of a number of different drugs, just keep it in mind.

[lozecontrol]

Thanks for the reply. I do understand its paranoia and its unreal but it still bugs my mind to a very drastic point. It's not just the common paranoia, it's a lot more than than unfortunately, it promotes agression and unrealistic conspiracy thoughts.. I try to keep living the usual way and i wont take any psychotics as you suggested since i do realize my condition, it's just very depressing.

[ofthevalley]

It really sounds like you could use a good therapist and/or psychiatrist. I know it's hard to push past the paranoia and trust them but for your own safety you really need to try. When I first started seeing my t and pdoc I believed they were working with the government but I managed to keep going and taking the meds as prescribed. Since you still trust your mom maybe she could accompany you. That might set your mind at ease a bit. I hope you are able to accept the help you need. Be well.

I remember in the midst of my year long schizophrenic break from reality that I stood up and tried to protect myself a few times. One time I told one of my best friends to stop hacking my phone and leave me alone. I even told him I wasn't schizophrenic, that I was not delusional. My paranoia was so extreme, and my emotions so heavily felt that I tried to stay home, unable to beat the feeling of persecution from all around me. It was horrible. I wanted to kill myself it was so bad. I didn't trust anyone.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I agree with Valley, you and your mother should see a psychologist/therapist. If you don't have schizophrenia then for the love of God just get this stuff off your chest. It's too much for anyone to bear from what I read in your post. I hope you're able to find relief, Loze. Take care bud.

[lozecontrol]

Thanks all for the answers. I am pretty sure i have at least some mild type of paranoid schezoprenia although i was never diagnosed. My grandfather's sister was really crazy woman and probably it's inherited. She was never diagnosed as well though. Thing is i know how crazy things sound but everytime i am alone those thoughs are taking control. Now they are even taking control when i talk to someone even if he is the friendliest guy outhere. I only trust my mother i dont know why, its just instinct, i try not to tell her much about whats going on since i live in different town now. It's not that i dont have good friends or stuf, just i completly believe anyone is somehow turned against me, no metter how good he acts. I left my girlfriend after 1 and half realtionship for absolutly no reason apart from believing she is somehow related to those who are against me. I am repeating myself, just trying to point that i know how crazy it is, but people who had similar expiriences like Odysses should know how uncontrolable these thoughs are. I had few similar paranoias in my life but nothing to that extent. I am hoping to pass on it's own like before but i am afraid this time is way too serious. The fact that i am agressive towards people, beliving they are secretly conspiring torments me a lot, again i was even thinkin (not considering yet ofcurse) to kill myself just not to let those evil conspirators sucseed. Thanks all for the replies though, i will probably visit a specialist, since my life will get ruined very soon if thinks keep going that way. Interesting thing is, when some extreme situation happens, like something stresfull in real life, i completly forget about my madness. As soon as things calm down in life, madness returnes again. I also want to state that something that i forget to tell you about- about 2-3 years ago i used some anabolic suppliments, i was feeling on top of the world back then, but sometime after i stopped them they suppressed my natural testosterone leves to very low levels, is there even tiny possibility that this can affect my mind in a way? Thanks to all..