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So in 2009, I was visiting this friend, and I had brief psychotic disorder (apparently). The psychosis gradually evolved into mild delusional disorder (apparently). (I say apparently, because I wasn't diagnosed until I was mostly recovered several years later, and I happened to mention these things to a therapist. So there continues to be uncertainty in my mind about what really happened to me.)

Anyway, this friend lives a thousand miles away, and we mostly just exchange emails every few months. Still, this friend triggers paranoid and delusional thoughts. For example, he sent me an email today, that I decided to ignore for now. Then I started having a pain in my hip, and I began to wonder if my friend was making my hip hurt as a punishment for not replying to his email. Now, I know that is silly, but that thought is in my mind. I also did not sleep well last night, and I noticed that triggers paranoid thoughts. (EDIT: It is especially silly, because the more rational explanation for this pain in my hip is that the chiropractor adjusted my hips yesterday. So why do I keep thinking about voodoo dolls and so forth? I have no reason to believe my friend has magical powers and some desire to harm me while pretending to be nice. This delusional disorder is annoying.)

So, does it seem wrong for me to rudely ignore and procrastinate replies to my old friend, so that he will eventually stop emailing me? I feel guilty for doing that, but I get so stressed by interacting with him. There are also other reasons why I don't like talking to him - we were friends when my life was a little bit better in some ways, so it reminds me of my decline.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Does this happen with other friends or just this one?

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Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Does this happen with other friends or just this one?

Just this one, because he was the guy I visited when I had the one and only psychotic episode. I didn't know about psychosis, so I had delusional explanations that kept morphing. Always my friend was somehow part of the delusional explanation - either as a leader of the conspiracy, or a minor participant, or even a mind-controlled victim.

Sometimes I have wondered if this friend might have multiple personalities, because his behavior has been so bizarre at time. Sometimes he is as polite and kind as can be, and other times he is vulgar and mean. I wish I had saved all his emails, so I could verify that I am not hallucinating these things.

I really don't have any friends today - just some family in my area and coworkers.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Hmm he sounds triggering---I mean if you actually talked to the guy in person all the time the delusional thoughts would probably just go away but I think its the distance and infrequent communications that's causing this. Does he know you have delusions---you might be able to talk with him more often and address the delusions directly if he knows or you could just distance yourself but that's not a great plan if you don't have other friends.

[12AM]

This does sound like a delusional thought for me, sorry for saying this. First if he had some intention to cause you any harm, he would mail you more often than just once in a few months. Second, I’ve also done a chiropractic treatment and yes it caused pain/soreness all over my body. So I think the pain in your hip is normal. You said only this one friend that makes you uncomfortable, but you also said you don’t have any other friend today.. This makes it hard to say that this person is “bad” because you don’t have any comparison. Still, comfortable feeling in any relationship is important. Like SometimesPsychotic said, if I were you I will talk to him about this and see his reaction. Or you might want to wait a few days/weeks until you feel better and are able to think clearer, and for now just reply his last mail with “I am sorry I have a rough time now, I will talk to you later”. Or something like that.

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Thanks, @Sometimes psychotic and @12PM
I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, so I will mention it to her. I honestly wish I could never have any contact with this friend again, but he is one of those people who tries to maintain connections. I don't feel comfortable telling him that I apparently have a mild case of delusional disorder. It's embarrassing. Also, to be honest, the delusions are strong enough, that I don't want him to know that his possibly malicious efforts were at all effective. When London was being hit by V-1 and V-2 rockets, they deliberately did not report hits to mislead the Nazis. I have always tried to be as sneaky as possible for that reason. I don't know who the conspirators might be, but I don't want them to know when their efforts succeeded. ... Of course I have enough insight to realize that my paranoia is not well founded. Mostly I find that it helps to get more sleep.

Kick that girl to the curb mmmmmhmmmm

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Originally Posted by chickenfoot

Kick that girl to the curb mmmmmhmmmm

@chickenfoot , I guess I'm dense, but I'm not sure what you mean. My friend and I are both males. We used to spend a lot of time together in the 1990s, but I moved 1000 miles away. He comes to visit every 5 years or so, and we occasionally exchange emails. We were just friends - although I used to suspect that he was bisexual and attracted to me romantically also. One of my delusions was that he drugged me and raped me because he was wearing a magic pink baseball cap that controlled his mind as part of a satanic/voodoo conspiracy... Yes, that is what I thought when I became psychotic after visiting him. LOL Unfortunately, those thoughts won't go away entirely, and it is stressful to interact with him - even after several years have elapsed. I keep thinking he is clairvoyant and reading my thoughts and so forth. I know those ideas are silly, but they keep coming back.

So, is it really so bad for me to try to disconnect from this friend entirely? I know he has other friends. He has a good career. It's nice that he wants to maintain a connections, but it's hard for me. It would be hard even without the delusions, because his life seems better than mine in many ways, and that makes me feel like a loser.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes our delusions become part of our identity that we can't let go so easily. I had trouble with one of my friends, too. It took some time to rationalize everything, and then for feelings to go back to normal. Feelings are harder to change than rationalizations. I think it's because they can be subconscious and you need to work those out over time. What I told my friend was to give me some time, and that I was confused. He was very frustrated with me, but after the wave of the pond settled, I could see through the water to see the bottom clearly. I then gave him the best apology I could come up with. It took him time to forgive me, too. But now we're friends and I wouldn't trade him for anything.

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Originally Posted by 0dysseus

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes our delusions become part of our identity that we can't let go so easily. I had trouble with one of my friends, too. It took some time to rationalize everything, and then for feelings to go back to normal. Feelings are harder to change than rationalizations. I think it's because they can be subconscious and you need to work those out over time. What I told my friend was to give me some time, and that I was confused. He was very frustrated with me, but after the wave of the pond settled, I could see through the water to see the bottom clearly. I then gave him the best apology I could come up with. It took him time to forgive me, too. But now we're friends and I wouldn't trade him for anything.

Thanks, @Odysseus
I wish I could simply tell my friend what is wrong, but there is a smidgen of paranoia left, so I can't trust him that much. Your advice sounds good.