[Hope26]

Old Today, 12:56 PM #1
Hope26
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Member Since: Jun 2016
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Default On my way to psychosis? 😒 Long post
Hello to everybody ☺️

Im new in this Forum and i just want to apologize in advance for my english! It's not my first language !

I need some support from you guys! I will try to make it as short as possible ☺️.

About 2 years ago it all started with a full blown panic attack ! At the first time i didn't know what was happening to me so I drove to the emergency! They told me that I was ok and it was due to stress ! It was hard for me to believe it! I'm a mom of two beautiful little children (2 and 4) and yes I causes stress sometimes but I just could not believe that stress can cause something like that ! In a short time I experienced everything from depersonalisation to derealization and even more ! At first I thought I might have a brain tumour, or a stroke and I feard that I might have something with the heart !
I was doctor shopping ,went from one to the other just to exclude that this panic attack was a sign of being physical ill! When the docs told me that I was ok, I believed them and my fears went away ! But not the dp and dr I experienced! This feelings made me think that I could be a danger for my kids and that I could harm them because it felt so much like I will lose touch with reality! I did a lot of Google research what was probably the worst thing I could to ! My intense fear of becoming schizophrenic was born! And from that one I live with that fear every day !

I startet to obsess with all the symptoms this issue brings with it ! I started to experience hypnagogic hallucinations what made me believe even harder that I will develop psychosis ! Then I started to make commanding voices up in my mind just to prove that this are just my thoughts and not voices and just to prove that I won't act on them (my) voices! It was and still is the hell for me being around my lovely kids because I am so scared that I will out of the blue go crazy and doing something terrible to them !

I also read about delusions and I started to obsess about them ! Do I think that people around me are plotting against me ?? What if I would truly believe that ? Yesterday the thought that my husband could try to kill my cause I am a pain in the *** for him just pops in my head and I just began to cry my soul out cause I don't want to think stuff like that and I definitely don't want to believe it ! But what if I already do? I mean why would I think about it ! And although I know my husband would never do it , You can never be 100% sure !! So am I delusional now??? Or is it just because I read so much about schizophrenia that my anyxous/ocd mind feets me with that fear ?

I went to a few therapeuts and they told me that I am not schizophrenic but I just can't believe it! I know it sais that if you fear going crazy , you are probably sane ! And if you questioning if you are delusional ,you are not ! Cause delusional people don't question their beliefs! But some time in my google career I also read ,that in the beginning of a psychosis you can have little insight !

I just don't want to go crazy! I don't want to go to a mental hospital and have to be away for a long time from my baby's ! I don't want my baby's to experience something like that ! They deserve and need a functioning mum ! Not a mom which need to take medicine and without it will not be able to function under stress ! I know it's a prejudice that schizophrenic people are violent and I know I might have a totally wrong understanding from what this illness actually is! I absolutely don't want to offend anyone of you ! You've all got my greatest respect !

Sorry again for my English ! I hope for some replies and helpful answers

Ps. I also have a constant mind chatter and I am so scared that this is the beginning of hearing voices 😟

[Hope26]

Is there Nobody who can give Little advice? Please 😔

[Sometimes psychotic]

OK here is the thing, none of us are pros here, the pros go to school for many years to dx and they are saying you don't have schizophrenia---you most likely don't. One of the things that comes up when people obsess about having schizophrenia is OCD----you can also have intrusive thoughts with that. Just something to consider. At the same time I will confirm that usually when you're having a delusion you don't know that its a delusion---that is precisely why its a problem. Example: I thought that all people with sunglasses were part of a secret organization that was out to recruit me---turns out it was just summer.

[Hope26]

Thank you so much for ur reply

It's really hard for me to trust , what somebody is telling me ! There is always the question in my head like "what if I just act to normal in that moment I talk to my T and she just can't imagine what I am talking about " or " what if I missed somethings important to tell her "... It's so hard when your head is working against you ! I also don't want to offend all these who suffer from this illness ! You all got my biggest respect ! Everybody has got something they fear about and sadly this is my biggest fear ! Behind this fear there maybe is the worry, that all my loved ones turn away from me or that I will lose my kids because of that ! That my husband could leave me then and takes the kids with him ! I'm not good in being alone ! I need the safety that there will always be somebody behind me ! I also fear that the people could say " look at her! It was clear that she will end up like this" ... Maybe I should work in that cause I lay emphasis on how people think about me ! Maybe this is my biggest problem I should work on ! I don't want to give somebody a reason to think or say something bad about me! I also always try to convince people about me and my good sides ! Sometimes my fears change and I am obsessed with the thought ,that I could be manic .... But this did not last so long like my fear of schizophrenia ...Sorry again for my bad English !

Originally Posted by Hope26

Thank you so much for ur reply

It's really hard for me to trust , what somebody is telling me ! There is always the question in my head like "what if I just act to normal in that moment I talk to my T and she just can't imagine what I am talking about " or " what if I missed somethings important to tell her "... It's so hard when your head is working against you ! I also don't want to offend all these who suffer from this illness ! You all got my biggest respect ! Everybody has got something they fear about and sadly this is my biggest fear ! Behind this fear there maybe is the worry, that all my loved ones turn away from me or that I will lose my kids because of that ! That my husband could leave me then and takes the kids with him ! I'm not good in being alone ! I need the safety that there will always be somebody behind me ! I also fear that the people could say " look at her! It was clear that she will end up like this" ... Maybe I should work in that cause I lay emphasis on how people think about me ! Maybe this is my biggest problem I should work on ! I don't want to give somebody a reason to think or say something bad about me! I also always try to convince people about me and my good sides ! Sometimes my fears change and I am obsessed with the thought ,that I could be manic .... But this did not last so long like my fear of schizophrenia ...Sorry again for my bad English !

To add on to what Sometimes psychotic said about delusions....you said you are having a lot of "what ifs" concerning possible delusional scenarios. From my personal experience of having psychosis and being delusional (actually quite similar to Sometimes psychotic's delusion) - there is no "what if," at all. The delusion is like your absolute, personal truth. It is a complete break from reality and trying to snap me out of it....unlikely. It more likely reinforces my delusion that person is in on the "master plan." Antipsychotic meds bring me back to reality. Preferably at home.

It's not going "crazy," it's an illness. I don't mind the term so much, but many people here dislike the use of the word "crazy." It can come across as insensitive or lacking in knowledge about mental illness. Don't stress over it, I just wanted to let you know. Mental illness is just as serious as physical illnesses. They just can't be seen. We aren't "crazy." Technically, we are sick. Or ill. Etc.

It sounds like your panic attack scared you and it made you feel out of control. Many people do go to the hospital because they think they are dying. I'm sorry you experienced this and I hope you are feeling better. Perhaps this panic attack has led to anxiety that you are "losing control" of your mind. I do not think there is a causal link between panic attacks and developing psychosis and mood disorders. I may be absolutely incorrect. Your doctor is the person you need to help treat you, preferably a psychiatrist plus therapy.

I wish you calm, peaceful days.

[Hope26]

Rainyday107, you are absolutely right about calling this illness "crazy" ....
That wasn't sensitive at all! I apologise for that to anYbody here , who feels offend from my statement ! I never meant to be derogatory at all ... It's just .... When I feel so anxious , I do not think a lot about how I say something ! I just tried to explain it as good as possible ... Thank you a lot for your replies ! It helps a lot