Never Settle For Second Best

Never Settle For Second Best


My name is Toby and I have schizoaffective disorder.


My life haven't always consisted of hallucinations, voices, countless medications, and the fear of rejection. But it does now.


My adolescence was that of your normal, everyday kid. From what my mom tells me and everyone else, they never had a problem with me growing up. I had a good head on my shoulders and I always thought out and made good decisions. Although, I did not do so well in school. School was always hard for me, I wanted to learn, I really did. I just didn't have the ability. I could never concentrate or sit still long enough to make it through a single class. I barely graduated high school. I had to return for an extra semester to gather enough credits. But I did graduate!


After high school I worked a few odd jobs here and there. I worked the night shift at a gas station and I worked at a manufacturing plant for awhile. But nothing I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Two years after high school with nothing to show for it I decided I need a big change. I needed to get out of my town and make something of myself. I wanted to be part of something bigger than just my group of friends and I. So I broke the news to my mom that I wanted to join the United States Military. This was met with much protest. I was an only child and she didn't want to loose me. Understandable, but I had to do what was right for me. So I joined the United States Navy. It was the biggest life change I had ever made. But I was ready!


I made it through basic training with no problems. And on graduation day I got to see my family for the first time in two long months. It was a great feeling seeing their faces when they saw me in my dress whites. I made them proud, which is all I want to do. I knew I had made the right choice.


After my training I was assigned to the USS George HW Bush aircraft carrier. That's where it all went down hill. The Bush was the largest moving object on the water, it was a floating city as big as the Empire State Building laying on its side with a full crew of 7000. But even with a crew of 7000 I still felt alone. I was outcasted by the people I worked and lived with. I had one friend, Kurt. (Who played a big role in getting me the help I needed). That was it. I was not used to this, I was the guy who was friends with everyone. When the stopped talking to me and making fun of me at every chance they got I started to isolate myself. The isolation was the worst thing for me at the time. I didn't realize but I was started to have psychotic symptoms. And I was alone. I had no idea what was going on with me. I had two different plans to commit suicide, at one point I was ready to hang myself in our berthing and I back out with the rope around my neck. I knew at that point I needed to say something and get help.


I went to medical and explained what was going on. The told me I was depressed and put me on antidepressants, this was a bad idea as it threw me into my first full blown manic episode. I didn't sleep for five days, blew through all the money I had and maxed out a credit card. All the while having visual and auditory hallucinations. After I missed my follow up appointment and found me on a random berthing just walking in circles they took me off the ship and sent me to see a psychiatrist for possible bipolar disorder. The psychiatrist put me on quite a few antipsychotic medications and sent me on my way. After awhile I started to feel better and thought I could do it without the meds. Mistake number one. I went right back to having psychotic symptoms. This time I was living with some friends (Kurt and John). They noticed I was no being myself again. But this time I was worse, I was screaming at the voices and chasing my visual hallucination I call Nate down the railroad tracks near our apartment. They sprung into action trying to calm me down enough to get me in the car to take me to the hospital. Once at the hospital I was admitted to the psychiatric ward. I was there for a week and a half. Once I got out I swore I would stay on my meds. That last about six months and I was back in the hospital.


Mixed up in all this chaos, I met a girl by the name of Caitlin. We met during one of my manic episodes and I fell hard. I don't know if it was the mania but two weeks after meeting her I knew she was the one I would marry someday. She was wonderful. She accepted me for who I was, and the ups and the downs. She stayed with me during some of the most confusing and challenging times of my life. And I can't thank her enough for that. She has been a Godsend. I don't think I would be able to function without her. I love her to the moon and back. That being said, we got married a year and a half later In May of 2011 and in February of 2015 we welcomed a beautiful little girl.


I live with this awful illness everyday. I still have voices everyday. And occasionally see my buddy Nate. But I have accepted this illness for what it is. I understand there will be good days and bad days. Probably more bad than good but that's ok. I understand the voices may never go away completely but that's ok too. I would be lonely without them now. This illness does not define me, yes I may have it but that doesn't mean I can't lead a productive life. It just means I have to try harder than most. I know it's hard to wrap your head around but all I'm asking is that you listen before you make your decision to reject me. I didn't ask for this. No one does. But we play the cards we were dealt. And we try to do it with a smile. Just think about that the next time someone tells you about their mental illness. For most it's a big step to tell someone. Don't make you the last person they tell. Just remember you, yourself, can end the stigma.


Well that's my life in a nutshell. Take it how you will.


Toby

Hi, I've enjoyed reading your introductions, thank you and welcome.

Reading that someone told you you lack mood swings, that was interesting. Glad to know that you've been happily married, hoping that you fall in love with her every single day.

I'm alone so I'm always da best, haha-ha.



Of course we can make something other than lemonade too. Tryna take a stand if life try to beat you up, life is like umm a whack-a-mole, you keep smiling and poke your head out 'cos you won't be beaten. You are the glass of lemonade to my heart...whatever. Good old traditional things, healthy attitude towards life, this is just where my heads at right now. Good post, good times.

Welcome. I'm glad to have read your story. Congratulations on your first child!

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Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

A baby? That's lovely, I don't know what that's like, they can't grow up fast enough to learn things, but if they did, you'd miss an opportunity of loving them, teaching them and aging with them, in this short lives we're given on this earth.

I just came back to post that you fall in love more and more and the time's also for standing up in it. Pretty cool, right? Having a sleepless nights because of the baby? Oh, man... I wish you well for your kid's future and all that.