Fear of being found out

When I went through an episode during school, I turned to the people I trusted the most which were my closest friends at the time. I usually take the public transit with one of them to and from school. Those rides were about an hour long so I would use that time to catch up and get everything out. I would always think that other passengers and the transit guards aren't paying attention or can't hear since no one ever tries to make conversation with one another (pnw is known for giving cold shoulders). About 4 years have passed, during which i've seen pdocs taken meds and finally thought I was doing better. But we've moved not too long ago and now live next to a transit station. Occassionally when I am in the yard or next to window facing the stop, I think I hear someone saying things along the line of "that's where the psycho lives, she's crazy don't talk to her, she's hallucinating, she's a psychotic b****". Sometimes it's a passenger or guard passing by, sometimes they're adults and sometimes they're kids. The thought that my illness is now neighborhood gossip scares me so much. I don't want anyone else to know, I want to put it behind me. And I definitely don't want it to be public. Because of this I am afraid to leave the house. Especially by myself or to crowded places. I'm starting to hear this at the laundromat and grocery store. I even thought the transit guards and drivers are keeping an eye on me, just in case because my illness is 'unpredictable and a danger to the public' i dont want to be treated like a monster. I try to ignore these like before but it's so hard to. What if it's real? What if I don't say anything and it gets worse? I don't know what to do besides coming on here and letting everything out.

Sometimes people talk to me as if they know what diagnosis I have. Maybe my face is weird or something.

I don't have any advice I am sorry.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

Honestly these could be hallucinations......how do you know they aren't.....have others heard this?

It sounds like you.might be experiencing paranoia. I do doubt that "everyone knows" your diagnosis. If you are famous, a celebrity, maybe. Talk to your psychiatrist about these thoughts, and what you think you are hearing. It could be that a medication adjustment will alleviate these things. Best of luck

I don't bother asking my family if they hear it anymore since they always look sad/annoyed/pissed. I also don't want them to worry about me, I don't want to be a burden. So Idk if other people hear it.

And no, I'm not famous or a celebrity. But we do run a nursery/preschool out of our home and have a sign that indicates that. Weve had it for almost two decades, still operating under the same name. We also live on a major arterial street next to a transit station. The play yard faces the street/station, so passerby's can spot us. I think people will be able to recognize us because of that (local business with a long history and easily accessible location), kind of like being able to recognize the longtime waitress at a restaurant or the retired cashier at a grocery store.

I don't know why I'm so worried about it. I mean I wouldn't broadcast that I have a MI, it's not something I'm proud of but I don't want to be ashamed of it either. It's been a struggle but I can see how far I've gone. Maybe I'm afraid of how others would react to knowing a person who's experienced psychosis is taking care of children. If you take a look at the media, psychosis is depicted as some th hing to be feared or hated, ie murderers, perverts, dangers to the public.

Has anyone else felt this way before? How did you work through it??

And thank you for the hugs and replies!!!! ♡

When I talk to people and see their feace it's like they know my diagnois and talk weird to me... and yeah, I am not worry about it because I have children or anything, I am worried because I am a pharmacy student and want to work in a hospital. I would hate it people know it, really hate it.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-