I'm stuck in my head and music is talking to me.

A18793715 · Sep 11, 2016, 06:33 PM

I've been wanting to post for like a week now but my brain wouldn't let me. They would talk me out from talking. They're trying to right now. I have to switch back and forth to keep writing this. I'm beginning to notice I slipped way further than I thought after my doctor quit. The only thing I'm taking is my anxiety meds and antidepressant but they're not helping nearly enough. My antidepressants might as well not even work. I keep wondering if I'm not really sick and that I'm just making everything up. I know I've posted about that before but it's driving me crazy. I start to panic about going to prison for ssi fraud if I find out I'm somehow faking. That's just a random thing that keeps popping up randomly. But my anxiety medicine calms me down enough to stop thinking about it. The one thing I can't stop obsessing over is music. I'm so drained that it's physically painful. My voices sound so much louder. Like people in a large room. But anyways. I love to sing. About a week ago, I started feeling weird that my music was playing songs in the order it was. Every day it's the same way. It's not like the theme of a song. But I'll hear one line very clearly and as songs pass, I put the sentence together and now I feel like someone's trying to talk to me through music but I can't not listen to music. It's my only sanity saver I have left. School just started. The first week was horribly exhausting. My head keeps going everywhere and the days are slowing down and getting heavier and louder in my head but I'm not allowed to talk about them.

I miss my doctor. I hate her. I don't want anyone new. I don't know how to find a therapist even because I just can't. I can't even get the nerve to call one.

I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm scared I'm going to **** up this semester and I'll have to repay fafsa before I can go back. That would take me at least a year.

That's only a fraction of things. It never ends and they never shut up.

mindwrench · Sep 11, 2016, 07:56 PM

I had the same worries about disability after I was denied last year. I kept thinking they were watching me to try to say I made up my physical ailments. I can relate to the college worries too as I got part way through working on my associates before they pulled my financial aid for quitting a coarse 20 years ago, when my completion rate average was not high enough. I appealed it and they would not let me continue without paying cash. It didn't matter though because I was only doing online classes, and when I enrolled for campus classes my anxiety thinking about having to be in class made me so sick I had to drop the campus classes.