[bad4yourKarma]

I love my brother to pieces, but he's been in and out of jail for years (I'm actually going to one of his court dates later today). He has issues with addiction (& being completely oblivious to the fact that he has addiction issues) and has been diagnosed schizophrenic. I also suffer from a few mental illnesses, and I feel like I have a lot in common with my brother when it comes to certain things. Recently, I've been trying to think of the right way to reach out to him. He's carrying a ton of guilt regarding things that he's done in the past, and he does want to change his life for the better. But I don't always have the right things to say? Maybe someone here can offer advice or insight so that I can better understand and communicate with/help my brother so that he can thrive? If you think something you have to say would be helpful, I'd honestly love to hear it. It hurts like hell seeing someone that you love suffer. He's made bad choices but he's not a bad person

[StarSeedPleiades]

A multi-layered situation. I'm sorry you and your brother and family are going through this currently. Sounds like there's a lot of emotional, mental, and physical struggles here.

I don't think there's ever a "right" thing to say. I think you can say what you can say, and that's all you can say. Telling him he may have made bad choices but he isn't a bad person is one good way to talk to him. If there's one thing I have to say about the addiction portion, it's that no words will convince him to stop or that he's even an addict. What will get his attention, over time, is you (and possibly your family, if that can happen) expressing to him how much it hurts you to see him this way. That can often have an impact. Not always, but often, depending on how you do it. My father's an addict, I grew up with that kind of behavior.

Granted he's lucid enough to actually hear your words. Don't just say it in the middle of an argument or when he might not be in his right mind, that won't help the situation. There needs to be an uncomfortable conversation here, that's the term we use at the peer respite house I work at.

That being said, before I rant, because I'm infamous for ranting and tangents that half of the time make no sense, I hope you know that this is not a quick fix, not something that can happen over a few weeks or a few months. This could very well take years. He's hiding a lot of emotion and a lot of mental struggle underneath that addiction, it's going to be hard for him to be able to face his brain and learn healthier coping strategies. My coping strategies are still ****, and I've been trying to learn since I was about 6 years old.

I also hope you know his health is not your responsibility. That's not to say don't be supportive towards him--but also try not to let yourself be enveloped by this. My father has several heart and blood and organ problems from his addictions, and now some brain damage on top of his mental health issues, and he will still spend his first dollar on alcohol, and continue until his money is gone. We've said a lot of words. He refuses to believe he has a problem. Even with the seizures, even with the declining health, even with the medication he's stuck on, even with the short term memory loss. We've support him through a lot of things and it hasn't worked.

Because we're not the ones who need to do the work. I've let go of feeling responsible for him. I haven't let go of the tentative love even when he accuses me of taking all the silverware out of the kitchen and packing it up to move away secretly in the middle of the night. But I've let go of thinking I can change him. And that's not a hopelessness, it's just a reality.

I guess I only typed this much because I empathize entirely with your situation: that need to help and heal someone you care about very deeply. It's a powerful feeling. At this point he can't even begin to deal with the mental health portion without that addiction out of the way. Perhaps an intervention is due? Perhaps an uncomfortable conversation? One in which you express your love without judgement or blaming and reach him on a human level, completely separate of the idea of mental illness and the idea of addiction. There's a human underneath all that who needs to be pried out. What kind of emotional pain is there? What are the reasons? What in his past hasn't he processed? What in his present (i.e, the truama associated with his mental illness) hasn't he processed? There are so many layers to this.

I guess I would just say it's okay not to know how to react to him, or how to help him, because he has to help himself. Be loving, supportive, understand that you can only do as much as you can. Either he will get help, or he doesn't. Sometimes reality is cruelly black and white. I prefer unreality, personally, for that reason.

Did I tangent all over the place again? I think I did. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

[bad4yourKarma]

Originally Posted by StarSeedPleiades

A multi-layered situation. I'm sorry you and your brother and family are going through this currently. Sounds like there's a lot of emotional, mental, and physical struggles here.

I don't think there's ever a "right" thing to say. I think you can say what you can say, and that's all you can say. Telling him he may have made bad choices but he isn't a bad person is one good way to talk to him. If there's one thing I have to say about the addiction portion, it's that no words will convince him to stop or that he's even an addict. What will get his attention, over time, is you (and possibly your family, if that can happen) expressing to him how much it hurts you to see him this way. That can often have an impact. Not always, but often, depending on how you do it. My father's an addict, I grew up with that kind of behavior.

Granted he's lucid enough to actually hear your words. Don't just say it in the middle of an argument or when he might not be in his right mind, that won't help the situation. There needs to be an uncomfortable conversation here, that's the term we use at the peer respite house I work at.

That being said, before I rant, because I'm infamous for ranting and tangents that half of the time make no sense, I hope you know that this is not a quick fix, not something that can happen over a few weeks or a few months. This could very well take years. He's hiding a lot of emotion and a lot of mental struggle underneath that addiction, it's going to be hard for him to be able to face his brain and learn healthier coping strategies. My coping strategies are still ****, and I've been trying to learn since I was about 6 years old.

I also hope you know his health is not your responsibility. That's not to say don't be supportive towards him--but also try not to let yourself be enveloped by this. My father has several heart and blood and organ problems from his addictions, and now some brain damage on top of his mental health issues, and he will still spend his first dollar on alcohol, and continue until his money is gone. We've said a lot of words. He refuses to believe he has a problem. Even with the seizures, even with the declining health, even with the medication he's stuck on, even with the short term memory loss. We've support him through a lot of things and it hasn't worked.

Because we're not the ones who need to do the work. I've let go of feeling responsible for him. I haven't let go of the tentative love even when he accuses me of taking all the silverware out of the kitchen and packing it up to move away secretly in the middle of the night. But I've let go of thinking I can change him. And that's not a hopelessness, it's just a reality.

I guess I only typed this much because I empathize entirely with your situation: that need to help and heal someone you care about very deeply. It's a powerful feeling. At this point he can't even begin to deal with the mental health portion without that addiction out of the way. Perhaps an intervention is due? Perhaps an uncomfortable conversation? One in which you express your love without judgement or blaming and reach him on a human level, completely separate of the idea of mental illness and the idea of addiction. There's a human underneath all that who needs to be pried out. What kind of emotional pain is there? What are the reasons? What in his past hasn't he processed? What in his present (i.e, the truama associated with his mental illness) hasn't he processed? There are so many layers to this.

I guess I would just say it's okay not to know how to react to him, or how to help him, because he has to help himself. Be loving, supportive, understand that you can only do as much as you can. Either he will get help, or he doesn't. Sometimes reality is cruelly black and white. I prefer unreality, personally, for that reason.

Did I tangent all over the place again? I think I did. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

No, no, no. You didn't tangent all over the place. You gave very well thought-out and helpful advice. Honestly, you have no idea how grateful I am that you replied to this.
I've really been trying to understand how my brother must be feeling since he's always angry at everything (not me/my family but just about everything else), including himself. I'm a super empathetic & emotional person so whenever I think about my brother's struggles and the things that he's been through I start to cry, because I KNOW for a fact that life has been rough for him. Even before he started complicating his own life with drugs, crime, and hanging out with all the wrong people-- growing up in my house was rough for all of us, and we all have childhood demons that we struggle with (well, my sister ignores them).
Part of what makes me and my brother so alike is the fact that we both carry a lot of guilt and feelings of worthlessness, and we're both still running from things that happened in the past. There's a lot of things I don't know about my brother, but I think that you're absolutely right when you say that I should share an honest conversation with him. I feel like he notices our similarities but doesn't feel completely comfortable opening up to me, even though he knows I don't judge.
Unfortunately, I can't have that conversation with him face to face since he's in jail without a bond and I have no way of visiting him unless someone else took me (I still wouldn't have enough time to get it all out there and jail isn't the best place for open discussions), so I think I'll just write to him. It'll be easier to get all my thoughts out on paper and plus he can take his own time reading it and thinking about it.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you've had to endure with your father, but I'm glad that you're able to talk about it and still move forward with your own life.
Seriously, I cannot thank you enough for your post. My faith in humanity has been restored lol I'm really going to think about all of the points you made and questions you asked while I'm writing my letter.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! If you EVER want to chat about anything under the Sun, don't hesitate to message me. I have so much love for you right now, haha.