[scar12346]

Want some realism on having psychosis since childhood?
You get used to your imaginary little world. And after 17 years of having psychosis as part of my bipolar, I do not want it gone.
I hate when it's silent. I love going home and just hearing everyone move around and hide away. I love being creeped out at the random things that happen. I love when I smell weird things that I can never name. Do I like when they scare me? Or threaten to murder me? Or when It starts playing with my mind and giving me homicidal thoughts? I mean it's not pleasant, but imagine living in a silence after 17 years of chaos.
Imagine living in a cold place for your whole life, and then switch to a normal climate. It's horrible.
I was asked "What is normal for you?" I answered "Whatever happened to normal anyways" Call me insane, but I love the chaos that happens inside. I'm psychotic and you darn sure know that I am proud of it.

[Victoria'smom]

I've thrown away med because it's to quiet. What about taking a low dose antipsychotic for the bothersome ones to go away or find a therapist willing to work with you unmedicated?

[scar12346]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I've thrown away med because it's to quiet. What about taking a low dose antipsychotic for the bothersome ones to go away or find a therapist willing to work with you unmedicated?

Nah, I have given up on meds, I have given up on psychs, on everything. Me, myself and I know the best and I trust us better than outside help. Maybe I will seek help when I get out of here and go to a more.. European country, like I am planning. But in here I am better of alone.

[greentires4me]

I don't want to loose disability if I stop showing up to appointments or taking said medication the ministry has spies I tell ya!

[Kuras]

It is possible to work out a med combo with dosages that help alleviate symptoms without crushing all of more beneficial ones. I understand the feeling, though I don't wish for chaos. Just the comfort and company.

[scar12346]

Originally Posted by Kuras

It is possible to work out a med combo with dosages that help alleviate symptoms without crushing all of more beneficial ones. I understand the feeling, though I don't wish for chaos. Just the comfort and company.

I don't want to drink meds anymore. I love the chaos and I don't want to fix it. I love being terrified. At least now since I don't really struggle with paranoia. Just me, my delusions, my hallucinations and myself.

I think this is my problem too
I knew there was a reason why I didn't want to take my medication and why I sometimes find ways to sabotage my "recovery" but I couldn't quite put a finger on it.

I don't like being scared though and I don't like being watched and being paranoid, but that's all I know. There was a time where I didn't have these symptoms before I was diagnosed with sz but now I find that I have gotten used to the "symptoms" and I just don't know what life would be like without the voices or the "delusions".

[Luglug]

I can relate to this too. It is very comfortable being in the psychosis, because that is our own real worlds, respectively. Unfortunately the med world has consequences if I behave in line with my psychosis world. The discomfort of these consequences outweighs the comfort of the psychosis. This is a decision every sz has to make once they become aware of the options.

[scar12346]

But but but you see that is the, the the, my solution, I don't have sz, I'm Bipolar, just so happens that psychosis rules everything around me. Maybe if they started drugging me since I was a baby, when I still had a chance to live in just one world, maybe, just maybe I would still drink my meds. But they got me late. 17 years was enough for me to get used to everything. You can't cure an amputee, but you can cure an infection. Just the amputee gets used to living without a limb, we get used to living without a sense of reality. I'm glad people understand me. Psychosis does bring people together. Oh I might just be happy in this world since forever!

[Kuras]

You're Bipolar, meaning you only experience psychosis during mood-states?

[scar12346]

Originally Posted by Kuras

You're Bipolar, meaning you only experience psychosis during mood-states?

In the beginning it was just with my mania, then it took over my depression, and now it's everywhere, with depression it is more voices and figures, with mania it's mostly delusions, and the rest is just pure chaos.

[Kuras]

If your psychosis is manifesting outside mania and depression, that'd point towards Schizoaffective.

[scar12346]

But.. I watched them cross out the word "Schizophrenia" every psychiatrist did so.. they said it was just an extreme version of Bipolar...

[Purple966]

Originally Posted by scar12346

Want some realism on having psychosis since childhood?
You get used to your imaginary little world. And after 17 years of having psychosis as part of my bipolar, I do not want it gone.
I hate when it's silent. I love going home and just hearing everyone move around and hide away. I love being creeped out at the random things that happen. I love when I smell weird things that I can never name. Do I like when they scare me? Or threaten to murder me? Or when It starts playing with my mind and giving me homicidal thoughts? I mean it's not pleasant, but imagine living in a silence after 17 years of chaos.
Imagine living in a cold place for your whole life, and then switch to a normal climate. It's horrible.
I was asked "What is normal for you?" I answered "Whatever happened to normal anyways" Call me insane, but I love the chaos that happens inside. I'm psychotic and you darn sure know that I am proud of it.

Ahh I know this feeling- I sometimes hope for my hallucinations. I have one named Beoxuhm- hes sweet. But I mean, being spooked by them isn't too great in my opinion

[Kuras]

Originally Posted by scar12346

But.. I watched them cross out the word "Schizophrenia" every psychiatrist did so.. they said it was just an extreme version of Bipolar...

Schizophrenia would be the persistent presence of psychosis, devoid of mood-states like mania and depression (as you experience mania, you wouldn't fall cleanly into this category). Schizoaffective (my dx) is the presence of psychosis, along with such mood-states, during which psychosis tends to get worse or more intense. A strict Bipolar diagnosis, no matter how severe, doesn't see psychosis while outside of mood-states.

Sauce: DSM-V

[Bbop]

I had been in a severe psychosis for the past 2 years, I thought it was all reality. Boy, was I wrong. It was pure chaos! I soon found a Pdoc who explained my DX ( bipolar type - Scitzoaffective ) I couldn't believe I had been living in an altered reality state. I started medication and soon found relief. I still have a low level of the chaos/hallucinations while on my meds. I have two boys and medication management is a must so that I don't continue to scare them. They are the reason I am taking care of myself. Do you have family you care about, that you don't want to freak out?

[Findingreason]

I thought I was crazy for the thoughts of wanting psychosis at points, but apparently I'm not alone. It's like I want to quit my APs not only to try and see about getting back some of my cognitive losses (whether they are due to APs, the condition itself, or both), but cause I miss the fact that things aren't boring when you're hallucinating and delusional... I do get scared when I have paranoia and delusions of being prosecuted though. It's unpleasant. It's boring when life is just ”normal”.

Also part of me feels validated when I am losing touch with reality. Looking back at episodes I've had I definitely see psychosis. But some of the psychiatrists at the hospital ward have said that they think my symptoms are due to dissociation from Borderline Personality Disorder. It's like I want to be able to look them in the eye and say ”I told you so”, that I'm crazy. But I do have a psychosis not otherwise specified diagnosis in my medical records.

Life is weird...

[scar12346]

I just find happiness when I am in my own little bubble. And no matter how much this bubble bursts, it keeps on getting back together, it's probably fake happiness but I am not harming anyone or myself, I have a contact list with almost every p-doc that has medicated me and I keep it on the back of my phone. Also have a medical bracelet which states "This person has a medical and psychological issue. If not responsive, please call 112" just so I keep safe. I always carry information about myself, because you never know. But for now, nothing bad has really happen.

[Bbop]

I never thought about a bracket or necklace. Why should people wear these with mental illness?

[scar12346]

I wear it mostly because I tend to pass out because of narcolepsy when I am really stressed out. Or for instance if I loose track of who I am, or if I randomly faint because it's not like I haven't done that. I feel safer.

[Bbop]

Good to know scar!