[Desoxyn]

I can only write partial songs and artistic writings when I feel in a certain mood of creativity and dysregulation of emotion and disorganization of my thoughts.

I noticed when I was in that week of pure intense mixed episode, it still didn't matter it wasn't the time. The time that I can write things. But my music appreciation and understanding of music was something that I've never felt before in my life. On the opposite end. There's always an opposite end. It's purely the deep foundation of why people get psychosis. I believe everyone has psychosis. Only those that are not in or just in a psychosis of a psychosis can be truly sane. An inception. It's pretty obvious and basic so I'll get to my other points before because I feel like a broken record.

There's connections in the brain that fire and those sparks are magic in a way. Nothing is as powerful as what people can set their minds to.

I want to get back into creating out of the norm ideas that make sense only in a way that I can project to certain individual people. Others can take it in a way that connects irrationally which makes it a control of the mind of them for me very easily than the ones that have a thought pattern like I have sometimes. Unfortunately, I will feel uncomfortable with that which is a signal to move ahead and a sign of using the magic of "reality". Maybe the government could hunt me down for saying these things. Maybe there is spies sent to find information on the computer and find out where I live and take me away or maybe allow me to join them. Finding those two key end points is what makes me not psychotic. Paranoia and pronoia together. Link in the chain. The switch.

I also want to read more fiction and read fiction novels. I believe fiction and absorption in memory to have that and comprehension of fictional information as much as I can will give me the ability to be more creative, outweighing the power of the impact of short term psychedelics.

However, I do tend to focus on the dark creativity that I have and get scared of it, pulling the knife closer to danger until the paradox clicks in feeling like some ritual, making it worse and worse.

I feel fine now. But sometimes there's short moments where I'm able to be in a thought pattern that I'm good with. But the emotion is never equal or compatible with those thoughts.

I think somewhere to start is to mix lyrics of songs together but in a way that I can't almost understand. Like rhythm intertwined with the lyrics of different lyrics and rhythms.

I can draw it for you. Maybe that's a way to start as well to get a better understanding of what I'm attempting or trying to do.

My basic explanation is to eventually create my own lyrics slightly until the original lyrics fade out eventually.

That way I don't need to learn exactly how to make music in construct of what other people can't explain when it comes naturally.

Rhymes and music plays in my head sometimes but sometimes when I hallucinate, I can actually hear music that I've never heard before.

I want to unlock that power without actually getting mentally sick.

I want to create something, anything that the world has never seen. But the missing piece is that I want them to feel what is really going on inside my head. I've been judged by too many people that don't understand why I'm so avoidant of them at times and can't stop being so bored if you know what I mean. It's because I'm planning and building momentum for them to eventually understand purely what I see. To see what they don't see. Because I already know what they see. Do the math. I win.

I see reality. Depression comes with that. Mania comes with that. Psychosis, emotions, randomness, being sucked into your own wrong side of the psychosis switch is something that brings you back to reality that can be of someone else.

How many other ideas that there is, I have no idea. But maybe I will be there in time.

Hmmm... Creative fiction... Any genre you want to specify with? I know there are a bunch of readers here on PC SZ

[Desoxyn]

I think the one that I identify with the most is science fiction because that's what I've been stumbling upon lately in my own mind. Fantasy that has explanations in a way.

I'd love to invent things. My parents always wanted me to be an engineer but I tried technical graphing in school and even though I was good at it, I found it boring. Maybe it's because in Ireland, the teachers were too strict and you had to follow certain rules rigidly. That's not the way my mind works.

Never read that much when I was a kid or teenager. But for some reason I feel like doing it now. Like a lot of reading to help with my cognition and many other things. I'm going to buy a few new games for my xbox so like fantasy it's in games and it's based on these things.

I like most genres except romance because that terrifies me as how someone can be so deluded in liking another person. Just my opinion.

I prefer if someone likes someone else better than me so they don't focus on me.

I don't like romance also because I'm a guy. It's also boring. In order for me to like romance, I have to fantasize about qualities of the character like I don't care about that.

A person that falls in love with another. Then a tragedy or something happens and maybe a happy ending. The end. Blahhh! Too simple!

And the funny thing is that it can be quite complicated and I can easily write a romance if someone gave me a million dollars by fantasizing about romance which would make me feel emotions but terrify me at the same time. There's some thriller or horror for me. Do I want that? I've been complaining about not having emotions for years.

Maybe I'm just traumatized with PTSD.

Feeling a lot better though than I was on this Wellbutrin. I’m doing better on it than Concerta!

Concert always had a bad side. It made me depressed at first so I stopped taking it for 3 months. I could focus on it well though.

Wellbutrin is actually an antidepressant so thank you DT for the recommendation!

I'm glad the Wellbutrin is working. Yay!!! A med that works. that's rare as F. I have a bunch of science fiction recommendations. My first recommendation is Ender's Game, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, which is what Bladerunner is based on, and Snow Crash. All of those hold a special place in my heart.

If your just looking for a real fun novel for fluid reading, to ease in there, I suggest Ready Player One. It's going to be a movie next year. Such a fun book.