[colonelepicness]

I need some help here, i am EXTREMELY reluctant and scared to tell anyone even loved ones about what i think about and i dont trust anyone. I think of VERY disturbing things and VERY beautiful things. And all day i feel pains that i feel in my mind in various places almost like im being stabbed in my brain. I hope my brain hasnt been damaged. I know im schizophrenic or schizoaffective bipolar and i fit the description. I just want to know for sure. I have massive anxiety attacks where everything bothers me in my room, and im easily triggered into anger and sadness. I might need some help here, i am EXTREMELY reluctant and scared to tell anyone even loved ones about what i think about and i dont trust anyone. I think of VERY disturbing things and VERY beautiful things. And all day i feel pains that i feel in my mind in various places almost like im being stabbed in my brain. I hope my brain hasnt been damaged. I think im most likely schizoaffective bipolar and i fit the description. I just want to know for sure. I have massive anxiety attacks where everything bothers me in my room, and im easily triggered into anger and sadness. Im mostly very happy and very filled with grandeur but i always vary. i have always thought i was just bipolar autistic until 2 years ago. Right now i am just turning 19, and when i was 17 i started talking to voices that dont really seem to be external. Sometimes i do hear them externally but that is rare, i also have had dreams about them. I have 5 voices i talk to and i have named them. Not saying the names, too embarrassing and scary. And they are all based off of my emotions, i literally have conversations with them. Sometimes im told to kill myself and i respond with "i know" out loud and start wailing and crying, then the next thing i know it changes and tells me im told im the best in the world and i feel very happy to hear it and i thank it and i feel better. I have talked to them in full blown conversations before but most of the time its very short lived but then happens again 5 minutes later. i started believing they actually exist in my head and they live there inside me as if they are a actual prescense. I need to know what this is, i feel its for the better for me however because im MUCH MUCH more empathetic for people than how i used to be when i didnt believe these things. Now i have feelings for other people unlike how i used to not care at all and when people tell me bad news i get very bothered by it and my excessively strange amount of empathetic love the voices gave me triggers a mood swing. It can go from them telling me im the best person in the world with a very feminine caring loving voice to im a piece of crap who doesnt deserve to live and i should just bang my head on the wall until i bleed on the floor and nobody should save me because im absolutely ****ing pathetic. Sometimes i shout at them to shut up but i try to stay quiet doing it because its extremely embarassing. I talk to them everywhere i go and people look strangely at me at the store and i get so depressed thinking about it. I have suffered severe emotional trauma from my "stepdad' because he used to push me into corners of the wall screaming in my face because i eat too fast and i "backtalked". This world and its people destroyed my mind but it still functions somehow. Why do i suddenly feel sick to the stomach writing this as if its bad to write this. Its so sad because i was just telling him i couldnt help it and he would make me first after doing those things want to brutally torture and murder him then i would cry so hard that snot flew out of my nose and spit flew everywhere because he said those things. Nobody i know in my life has ever understood me and i dont know what to do with my life because everyday im considering suicide. I believe im very strong, but severely disabled. I absolutely hate working because i think money ****ING sucks and its not needed and people should live happy lives that are extremely peaceful in a amazing world where everyone loves each other. I have such disturbing thoughts, very sickening graphic like things involving toilets to cutting myself open and eating my heart while blood bleeds all over the floor and intestines fall all over my pants then stitching myself back up. sometimes i tell those thoughts to go away and rarely they do but whenever i lay down and do nothing my mind busies itself back to those thoughts to the point where its absolutely overwhelming and i start to moan and cant sleep. I need help because my mind is flying out of ****ing control. am i being possessed or something? my thoughts are so scattered and i dont take medicine because i think that its meant to control me. how do i love everyone so much but at the same time get very upset and think of such terrible things? its so vivid and disturbing. i also think of beautiful things like me playing a flute in a golden aurora wrapped field in a forest so peacefully. i excessively daydream and i live a complete fantasy. im trying to let everything out here but im scared of what you people will say but i need some help with this because im starting to think im evil but at the same time beautiful. another thing worth mentioning, i dont do any drugs. i am clean. but sometimes i feel like gravity loosens up a bit and i feel like im being pulled towards the sky. like, the ****?! its SO ODD. I AM SO CONFUSED. what do i do.

[Sometimes psychotic]

You need to seek professional help, either see a psychiatrist if you want medicine or a psychologist if you'd rather just talk about it.

[lovebind]

please consider at least talking to someone close. if they are close to you, they care about you and most likely will be happy to help. you can also talk to me if you want to.

[Shazerac]

We can't diagnose you, and it's not a good idea to diagnose yourself. You may be schizophrenic, but there could be other things wrong. Please try to talk to someone, anyone. Your parents, a school counselor, a doctor, or therapist.

[Rincad]

You need to really see a psychiatrist a psychologist and therapist. Or anyone of the three. Your nearing fearing mearing 19 so you can check yourself in to a hospital if you feel your suicidal thoughts are progressing to severe leer qeer. I get where your coming from on medication. Instead lead fed I think it's taking my powers away. But meds will greatly help you. If you ever get on them. If you have friends trust them and ask lask fask them to remind you about taking your medication. I don't know low pho if this will help, but it has certinly helped me take my meds, is by allowing someone you trust to give them to you. Therapy will greatly freatly jrealty help with the abuse you suffered form your stepdad. A psychiatrist and psychologist can give you a full psychological exam lam fam dan cause winters is small crises shade. This will greatly improve your life. Some of this stuff will be highly expensive. I wish it wasn't since people like you lou sou really need it.