Psychosis ‘relapse? Or just nothing?

Hello. I'm having a lot trouble again. I can't talk to my psychiatrist since I really don't trust her nor my therapist I feel paranoid when I go to him. My paranoia rises feels like I'll run away. Also my voices have come louder lately.

So for the past few weeks my voices have been coming back. They never really faded or left just quieted during December. With the new year I don't know. My voices came back outrageously loud and it gives me anxiety. The first time they came back was at night. I was laying there unable to sleep. You can skip this part its a tigger.



I've been filled with paranoia. To make things only worse I feel sad-ish, like not completely sad. I think the feeling started when I came out to my mom obviously distressed, and my mom did nothing. It was late at night but she told me to sleep on the couch and then turned the TV on the 'relaxing moving art'. I couldn't sleep so she changed it to HP. I didn't fall asleep until 4:30 am and slept till 1:00pm. I haven't had any good sleep after that. I don't fall asleep till 1 or 2 am and sleep till 8 am.

I know I should tell my therapist and pdoc, but I don't want them to suggest inpatient. I hate it there. I know that's what they'll suggest. I just want to come clean about my feelings to my mom, but I'm paranoid and don't really trust her anymore. She, maybe it's just me, she acts cold. I don't really receive support from my other family members. My siblings distance themselves and such. And my dad's always busy. So that's out of question. And not anything important so forget that. I don't want to go inpatient.

How do I deal with my so called "psychosis"? I'm not on meds, I'm just in therapy. I don't know what to do. I feel that the voices are truly real people. I hate theses feelings! I can't cry for anything. I talk weird like my thoughts are all jumbled, I'm told this. But the voices come form anywhere. They'll come from white noise Like the fan or road or shower. But they are clear. But they'll also come form nowhere. They say they'll punish me if I ignore them. I don't know if that's normal for voices to come form those places. My memory, concentration, motivation has also gone down. I only shower since it feels relaxing.

I can't shake this feeling of that this is my reality and that the psychosis is the truth and this paranoia Isn't paranoia. Also that I'm not weird nor is this psychosis. And that I'm not talking strange. Isn't it real? What do I do? I don't want to go inpatient. Even though I know I should. Is this a relapse?

Sorry for long post. I don't know why I'm posting. Y’all are probably tried of post like these. I know the advice will be the same. But I just want to know how do I talk to my mom, therapist, and psychiatrist about this?

Rincad,
I have a lot of paranoia about medications (plus don't like some of their side effects) but when my paranoia gets out of control, they are the only thing that gets my paranoia, extreme anxiety, inability to sleep back under reasonable control. You may want to consider discussing this with your psychiatrist. Medications can give you some relief from what you are experiencing and, more importantly, ease your suicidal ideation. You could try emphasizing the voices, anxiety, inability to sleep verses the suicidal thoughts in order to obtain medication without being put into IP. I also hate IP. I went once and it was like being in jail. Please tell your psych and get something to ease your suffering. Hugs.

Rincad

I can't remember why you're not on medication? (Are you the adolescent from Bulgaria whose pdoc won't prescribe APs?? Sorry, if I've gotten you confused with someone else.) But meds could really help with paranoia. Basically, you need to be able to trust your pdoc and T for you to benefit from working with them. You either need to reduce the paranoia somehow, maybe meds, or see if switching pdoc and T would help? But if the problem is paranoia and not the specific people that you are currently seeing, you likely won't trust the new ones either, which is why I suggested an AP...

In terms of talking to your pdoc or T, would writing to them be more helpful that trying to speak? You could write them a letter each and give it to them at your next appt or, if that's not for a while, send the letters to them to read beforehand. Also, explain why hospitalisation isn't useful for you, and why you feel that, and that you'd prefer to look at other strategies to cope with your experiences.

Wrt to speaking to your mum about what would be more helpful for you, for your message to have any chance of being well received and not being dismissed defensively, assertiveness skills could help. 'I understand...I feel...when...' Nothing blaming - so avoid you statements, like 'you don't understand me' or 'you're always really cold' etc.

So, something like "I understand that you might not know what to do to help me when I'm struggling, but I feel that doing/saying XYZ would help me more. Would that be possible?" or "I understand that it can be hard to support me sometimes, but I feel like we need to figure out a better way to respond to each other in those moments. Can we chat about things that might help?" Something like that might help?

All the best,

*Willow*

If you are hearing voices and having paranoid thoughts, do you also have a psychosis? The reason I ask is that you put 'psychosis' in quotes when referring to yourself. Having a psychosis doesn't mean necessarily going IP. For many people it means taking an anti psychotic. Have you tried medication to see if it helps?

((hugs))
Why aren't you on a med like Latuda, Abilify, or Geodon? They help with paranoia, delusions, voices and some of the negative symptoms sometimes. You're fighting it right now, but even the weight lifter must put the weights down eventually and you'll sink completely in psychosis if not on meds and good therapy.

What i needed each and everytime i thought i was being persecuted was to be challenged by someone. I needed someone to challenge my psychosis, the paranoia and delusions so that i could take the next step towards recovery.

You have insight right now which is a god send, but I don't think that can last indefinitely. Psychosis wears one done eventually and creates a divide further and further from reality until you think of the most supernatural and outlandish beliefs, i know i did.

May i ask why you are not on medication? I found that my med Geodon, is the only thing that worked long term to get me out of the slump. And going med free might have short term benefits, but long term, how many times do you want to wrestle with psychosis instead of preventing it indefinitely with meds? Different meds work differently for different people. So it's about finding the right one that suits you. Latuda and the new Abilify drug seems to be the drugs of choice right now. I would try Latuda first if your insurance allows it. With the abilify genre you will find trouble sleeping, which you already have troubles with. Seroquel is another anti psychotic that can help you sleep. You're wakefulness might be because of two ddifferent reasons:
1)Mania, which means you might be experiencing a schizoaffective psychosis where you are bipolar and the mania is keeping you up. Are you experiencing mood swings from manic to all of a sudden depressive?
2)Anhedonia might be settling in, and that can take away many emotions along with sleepiness. I noticed that as anhedonia settled in my orgasms have been different. I no longer feel euphoria accompanied by intense feeling of sleepiness. All i feel afterwards is alertness which sucks. Comparing that experience with night time, i might feel physically tired from my work but i never feel mentally sleepy. I'm typically up until 2:30am trying everything i can to fall sleep, including taking Benadryl and a Xanax to force me to sleep. Seroquel is the antipsychotic that has the most potency to make one tired and knock you out.

Your therapist is there to help. By law they can't talk about your case unless you sign a waver. They are on your side. You can even ask them for help in aid of getting a psychiatrist appointment setup. If you don't see him soon then i think it would be better to tell your mother to help you to see a psychiatrist. I think you're at a breaking point, and if you go any deeper then you're going to not be yourself at all and start to lose contact with reality more so... ((hugs))

by the way, your words are lucid. They aren't disorganized like they have been in the past. That's something.

I’m not one medication for quite a few reasons. One I have tried, in order of prescription, ablify( restless and feeling very hot), risperdal( leakage), zyperxa( barely helped and blood sugar went up), latuda( was on max dose, did nothing), Geodon,( worked at first than stopped working and muscle stiffness plus excessive blinking), invega(same as risperdal), seroquel(worked but barely, excessive sleepiness, and bad reaction to lexapro) I also gained 50 pounds. I have been diagnosed with psychotic disorder nos and had one episode of depression. My mom doesn’t want me on the typical antipsychotics. I’m off due to side effects and effectiveness. Yes I do have a psychosis and the reason I go inpatient is due to ideation of suicide and homicide, due to the voices.

DT, my pdoc doesn’t believe I’m bipolar. She says because I return to my baseline. I’m also us a lot of autocorrect, because I can’t seem to spell. I’m glad my words are lucid, it was a pain when I was rhyming and stuff, I still do it now mostly I get lost in it, but this isnt often. I hope that is not the case, that I’m at breaking point. Especially since it’s been almost 3 weeks now, and relapse can take up to 4 wks. But I do feel like I’m slipping. I feel tired but i feel to restless to sleep and it feels like my sleeping patterns have gotten mixed up. Like I feel more tired toward the afternoon rather than at midnight.

Willow, I guess I could try, but still get nervous about writing things. Like this post i had a lot of fear in posting it. I will try writing it down and giving it to therapist. I don’t see my pdoc until march. So maybe I can try and call or send it the mail. The only problem is she works at college clinic, it’s a separate building but the students go there to see how things are done. So I don’t think they have a mailbox. Yes you have confused me with someone else, but that is okay.
I don’t like IP because I get lots of paranoia, and last time the patients thought I was dangerous and didn’t want to talk or be near me. I was okay when with that, but they talked about me and told new patients this. I feel stressed every time I go, since my parents unknowingly to them, put pressure on me to do well in school. They didn’t live an advantaged life. So they want us to be our bests and live good childhoods, especially my mom. I don’t seem to get any benefit, since the pdoc there doesn’t listen to me. My new one wants me to go to a different hopsital if I do go inpatient.

Tecomsin, the last time I was in outpatient the pdoc, the same one form inpatient, suggested inpatient. Several times residential treatment centers have been brought up from many different professionals. My parents say no every time, and I am glad. But somehow it’s always brought up if I have troubles dealing with the psychosis. The quotes are because I last time I almost lost all insight and I feel that same thing happening now.

Hoping, unfortunately no med has given me relief. I’ve pretty much doubt meds now. The only one that helped me is my antidepressant, lexapro, for the depression. I have had good results that didn’t last long on, risperdal, geodon, and seroquel. On seroque I think it was because I slept until 12-1 pm, so I wasn’t awake much.

Thank you all for responding. I will try to get back on meds, but idk how it’ll go. Since barely any have helped before.

I'm sorry that I got you mixed up with another poster I remember who you are now.

Sometimes people just don't respond to meds. I don't. It's just the way it is sometimes. It definitely makes things harder than being able to pop a pill and have it all disappear, but meds aren't the only way to cope with these things. Although, you haven't tried clozapine, which is still an atypical AP, although the side effects can be pretty intimidating, I admit. And some people are still resistant to clozapine. I was intolerant to it; couldn't get to a therapeutic dose before I got neutropenia and had to stop. But that's unusual, and it is heavily monitored so people don't get serious blood side effects. But drooling is a big one on it, even at a tiny dose for me, and weight gain, and sedation are also pretty common.

You could always hand deliver the letter to your pdoc if you're worried about posting it. Although they should definitely have a mailing address - you could maybe ring them to find out what it is??

I hope that you figure out something to help with this soon

*Willow*

maybe you should get a journal and write your feelings out (if you don't have one already)