Roll Call 148

I feel nauseous a bit.

Maybe it is anxiety plus hypomania a bit

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I'm gonna ask to switch from Geodon to another AP on Thursday during my appointment

I need to take things slow again.

I got the guitar, books, and paint.

Now I'm all like "I will start an insta for my paintings!" "Ima play all my fav songs and post them on fb!"

This and that etc. I need to chill.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I'd like to buy a window perch for sassy. She loves looking outside but she also like to be high above the ground away from the dogs.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Having a really good day

Same, despite my anxiety.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Hey everyone. just been editing today. I've been meaning to write an essay about striving inspired by Goethe, but I wont be able to work on it for a couple months. 11 more days until I see my pdoc to help me sleep better. She was confident that the increases in Seroquel and Geodon would stamp out my mania but it hasn't. I wish I could give some of my energy to my roommate who needs to take concerta and Wellbutrin to stay up and alert.

Today is the finale for GoT's. Ill have to watch it sometime. I got a couple seasons in but it got too dark for me, reminded me of my psychosis a bit, I was getting anxiety. I did finish Better Call Saul season 4 though. That's more my type of show. It's an offshoot from Breaking Bad.

I got a hair cut so im looking sharp, I just need to trim my facial hair a bit. NPR in Detroit has an amazing segment called Essential Music by Anne Delesey or something, and man I wish it was also made into a podcast, because NPR's All SOngs Considered has progressively gotten worse over the years, or more probable, my taste has changed. Does anyone know any good podcasts for finding new music?

Yeah, I love pictures of books It's a little glimpse into your life! I love looking at people's bookshelves.

Newtus, I like your phl of Matrix books. In the bluray version you can over hear two philosophers discuss the Matrix. One of them is Cornel West, he's great.

Something that I think is strange is that neither my mom or sister told me they started an antidepressant. Why would they keep this from me? I complain about my meds and how they've partly ruined my life, maybe that's why? They seem fine on them. My mom says she doesn't take them sometimes which I'm baffled at.

Omg! Is it on amazon????? Or is it on the movie blu ray version????

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

You be surprised how people who never been on psychotropics routinely miss their medicine. They treat that medicine like vitamins.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Didn't want to take my evening or night meds tonight but went ahead and made myself. I don't know why it's a constant battle with myself every night. I don't have a problem taking my morning ones.

It comes on the bluray trilogy edition, at least the one I got. It was worth a listen to watch the movie while two known philosophers give their take. Also in the package there was 2 ccritics who talk abou the movie as it goes on. That one wasn't really interesting. The only half vaid point I liked abou the critics was their take on the music. I thought Rage Against the Machine and Rob Zombie was pretty meh, but I liked the composition music. The critics compared it to Star Wars.

Why do I always feel like im going to burst from eating half a burrito bowl from Chipotle? :-/ My roommate washed my cat so I bought her a vegan meal at Chipotle for doing that. That was super nice of her. She also cuts her nails, I didn't know this, she just confessed to it. I don't really se it necessary since she never swipes at anyone. I give her carboard scratchers so she wont do that to the furniture.

10:30pm and I drank a strong coffee. I can feel the energeh. I slept for most of the day after trying red vein bali kratom.

I feel alone and want someone to talk to and I want it to be daylight..

I'm listening to this entrepreneur on Facebook and it's just depressing me. I feel lost. My mom is working her *** off and is stressed with her heart palpitating all the time she could die and theres nothing I can do about it.

I can't just make money on the internet like I should do because I dont even know where to begin. I dont even do much on the internet that I even enjoy. I don't enjoy my life even though I'm not working. I dont like my life. I want to be constantly moving but I'm just stuck.

Everyone is doing something or working towards something. Sure, I'm taking college courses but I have no clue what I want to do. I'd love to make podcasts but I cant even speak. I have nothing to offer because theres nothing in my mind because I'm too depressed. Almost everyone my age feels this way but they're not doped up on meds and mentally disabled. I cant even get out of bed without a stimulant. I dont know why. People just call me lazy. Theres no winning to my situation.

My creativity is dead. I have barely any will to live. I feel like I'm in mental pain 100% of the day. I'm just doing things because I have to. Theres low energy in my brain. Im not inspired by anything. I turned to drugs before even realizing what was wrong with me.

I cant get myself to quit cigarettes. I have no motivation to do the things I'm supposed to be doing but somehow get them done slowly and painfully as if taking it slow actually means anything because I'm going nowhere. I have anhedonia so all the things that make everyone else happy dont register in my mind on most days. I just feel nothing and feel numb.

I'm interested in my own psychosis. I want to be a little psychotic because I feel like everyone is just a little bit. I believe I'm on too much antipsychotic. But what else can I even say? I'm miserable and suffering. Alcohol makes me feel worse when it makes most people feel happy. I dont have a driver's license so I should add that to my list of meaningless things that I have to do like apply for jobs, get a haircut, get a gym membership. It all feels pointless to me because I'm dysphoric and hell and everything feels painful. I hate myself and my thoughts. I'm a waste of life. I don't know why my family loves me when I cant do anything to better myself.

I need guidance in life because my cognition is completely ****ed. I bet I'm not even good at math anymore. I'm not good at anything because I dont even try. I have no free will. I cant change my thoughts. I feel like everything I've done to try and be happy is a cruel joke of a life. Yet people do the same things I've done and they're fine. I ****ed myself up. All I see is a blackhole opening up in reality that I want to jump into and just disappear.

Sorry Tweaks that you're struggling. I"m struggling too when it comes to motivation and serious lack of hygiene and the so called negative/depressive symptoms of my illness. You're loved. You are important. You're smart... and I know this doesn't mean anything to you but you're quite good looking too ... not trying to hit on you but I want you to feel good about yourself because in times of distress we forget who we are.

Thanks for compliments. I'm going to read what I wrote down to my therapist. I still have to read over the CBT papers. I dont really understand it.

I'm gonna sleep if I can.

+ Hi trippy (My fellow anhedonic friend)

I got zero hours sleep last night. sigh... I hope I can keep it together at work, it's just so hard to do what I have to do without sleep. My meds aren't helping me sleep. They work for like 2 weeks then I build a tolerance, like I did with greodon, Seroquel, benzos, Benadryl ect…

I get tired enough where my eyes close but my brain wont shut down, it's still alert no matter how early I try to get into my bed t calm my nerves.

I'm reaching my breaking point.