Roll Call 151

I'm so pissed. I walked a mile to the laundromat with a huge bag of laundry to do and their change machine was broken so I couldn't get quarters and the corner store there didn't have any. So I had to walk all the way back with my dirty laundry in the heat.

I feel really dizzy, like the room is spinning

Maybe I didn't eat enough and that's why I was so dizzy, I just ate and feel better

I don't normally sweat a lot but my shirt was drenched in sweat when I got home earlier, had to change

Good morning. Vyvanse is waking me up.

10 hour sleep. I feel less stressed but groggy. Gonna go for a bike ride with people in the afternoon.

hi guys. I'm tired today even though I slept in until 6 AM. Usually I get up between 4:30 AM and 5 AM. I still feel bad. Suicidal. Depressed. Ugh. I see T on Friday. Just gotta pull it together until then. I feel like laying on the floor and just sleeping. But I can't because I'm at work. I want to SH because I know it would change how I'm feeling for a bit and I could use a break from it but I'm trying to remember that if I don't SH I'm more emotionally stable. But it's hard to make that argument when one is suicidal. Day two of feeling like this. Wish it would go away. Hugs all, Kit

They worked on my ceiling today. Tomorrow they'll sand and paint then that will be it

Haven't sketched in awhile so just did a quick one of psyduck from Pokémon

Sorry to ear you’re feeling bad do you have a selfcare box or any selfcare routines you can implement?

You know when you are feeling so bad, you don't even want to do any self care? That's where I'm at. But, yes, there's some stuff I can do. Let me think. Yesterday I went to a friends house and watched a movie and that helped for a while. I emailed a friend and let her know that I'm suicidal. I'm meeting a different friend for coffee tonight. I'm looking at websites that are for dealing with suicidal thoughts. Another friend suggested journaling so I might do some of that. Laying under my weighted blankets sounds good if I can be cool enough. I think these are some things I can do or am planning to do. I'm trying, just not feeling well at all. I started a new drug (statin) for cholesterol and fish oil prescribed by my GP on Friday. Tuesday my depression spiraled out of control. That's the only thing that has changed. I don't know if statin meds can cause depression stuff or if this is just a coincidence. The paper that comes with the medication didn't list any psychiatric effects. But this is the same feeling I got last time I was on a medication that induced suicidal feelings. It has that same feel to it. Sigh. If I have to, I'll go to the hospital. HUGS Kit

Went mountain biking. Heart went BEATBEATBEAT.. Sweating.

I'm gonna do this more often

You should get addicted to mountain biking. It's good exercise and experience.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Just found out Pokemon has a twitter. Which is cool.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

It’s possible it’s metabolized in the same way one of your psych meds is making the level of psych meds artificially higher due to competition, a lot of he psych meds cause sui thinking when th dose is changed.

@ofthevalley-your post reminded me i have wet laundry in the washer. I better go rewash it, but i have to go do it.
Also i have stuff in the dryer, and stuff in the "clean" hamper to be put away.
Laundry always goes to the lowest possible position when I'm low. Is there any possible vaguely acceptable thing to cover my wife with? Myself? Yes? Then to heck with it.

I got a pound of death wish coffee so I'll be trying that in the morning 😃

Find Your Anchor

I know I posted this before but it might be beneficial to you right now.....

There are ups and down to a college or university. The down is the cost and the gamble of good professors,. In my experience, that's mostly with philosophy--the philosophy professors were awesomely bad a, but only in philosophy! It's 50/50 that you'll get a bad philosophy professor. I had one racist philosophy professor that said one white man was more creative than 10 Asian men. I had another that would childishly call me names like "meno". I had another one that tortured his students with Wittgensteining Philosophy in my phl of mind class. The level of stress this man brought to the class because he wanted them all to give up philosophy. It ultimately lead to my sz breakdown because I had him in two classes in a semester, and did a symposium with him. My ancient philosophy professor read a few paragraphs of Homer in an anthology and decided to "teach" homer--the first day of class of that he lost the entire class because many of them already read Homer and disagreed with him outloud.. A kid in the front row would always take naps because it never got above room temperature in that class. He never showed excitement. I think he didn't like me right away because I politely asked him if he would go over Pythagoras, but instead he didn't want to excite a student, and instead dragged us through every other pre socratic, except Socrates the man, and Pythagoras,

All my experiences with math, science, psychology, History, lit, were fantastic though. But with phl,, I don't know, I had a better experience with philosophers in community college rather than the university. I don't know why that is. It was crazy to see my philosophy of science professor openly criticize my philosophy of early modern philosophy just because I asked her what's the distinction between continental and analytical, and then I went to him to ask the same question. Then He criticize my philosophy of mind, and thought he took down Wittgenstein while he was at it in like a 2 minute period.

Philosophers at the university basically want you to be a good dog, sit in the chair and not ask questions, and agree with their own philosophy. Then you're a good boy, and if you're a good enough boy by obeying them, then they will write you a letter of recommendation.

I wasn't a blank slate coming into the university regarding philosophy, because I read most of the books before hand.

For instance, my philosophy of science professor somehow tried to do a Segway into 1984 while I was under psychosis, thinking everything was hacked, and that people were spying on me and my girlfriend. He said the meaning of 1984 was that you couldn't make love in private.
A: that triggered the **** out of me
B: he was so far off from the true meaning, which was right there on the first page, that you can't be an individual with individual thoughts. Winston Smith's first act was that he started a journal--that was the original sin he committed against his government.

Okay, im venting. I'll stop now.

If I can vent anywhere, I guess this might be the best place. Sorry guys.

Double the caffeine so watch out....

I never know what constitutes an emergency. Like when it is that I should call my T. How bad do I have to feel before I call her. I imagine it's like I'm feeling so bad I'm going to the hospital, but it's unlikely that T would be able to help at that moment anyway so it seems pointless.