Roll Call 154

The internet tells me that forearm and butt are pretty easy to do. Inner arm by the elbow and ankles are some of the worst - Tattoo Pain Chart: How Much Will It Hurt? - Wild Tattoo Art

I have 3 tattoos. One on my shoulder , one near my collarbone and a phrase going across both my wrists. Pain wasn't bad for any of them but everyone is different

So my cell carrier is experimenting with home internet to select loyal customers. $50 a month, no fees for hardware. I said, f-ya and I called them up to get it, no questions, just to get it. They had no idea what I was talking about. I had to describe the email they sent me and tell them the specific phone number, and then they had to redirect me to that one because they had no idea what I was talking about. So far, it's okay. When multiple devices are connected it gets slow, but still, for $50 bucks, that's almost half as much for comcast. I love it really.

Anyways,
The woman I went on a date with Tuesday, I asked if she wanted to go out again this weekend, she said she can't because of a friend flying in from LA. Then she asked for the book title again. The place we met at was really loud so she thought it was the strong and stress. lol I wish my novel was strong! I'm still proud of it, even though I uploaded like 20 times to correct embaressing mistakes, and trying to make it more readable in parts.

If she reads even the preface, she will know I have a serious mental illness. The prices we pay to be mental health advocates.

Lol that sounds like the name of a new daytime soap opera.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I went to my moms house and hung out there. I don't really feel safe at my apartment.

Do you think you can continue to live there?

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Idk what's wrong but I feel like I may be going into a psychotic episode. But it may just be anxiety idk. I really have no clue. I was looking up tattoos and then I got into looking up schizophrenia and maybe it triggered me idk. I feel overwhelmed and I feel scared and paranoid.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I also havent talked to anybody all day, or even yesterday, so everything is eating at me violently.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I believe that I can figure out negative symptoms. That's what I'm focused on. There is a way to do it based on many things. I realize that when I'm around people, I have motivation to do things with people. I also realize that I'm able to do a job when I'm paid money especially if cameras are watching me. To get thought, I have to improvise but if I've done that, I can use what is improvised without help from someone. Someone to guide me is good but only I know what I want.

I need to allow myself to be bored and not care about judgement from other people and society, holding onto that very slightly. People realize that they're in a rut but I haven't even gotten to the point of being in a rut yet. I have to get to that point, while doing things that benefit me in the future as everything seems meaningless at the start. So going in blindly is what everyone does and the finish point always changes once you realize that you want to do something else.

I've been watching videos on how to draw and reading about it. I'd love to make psychedelic art and then draw anything I want and make relate meaning like always and put it on paper. Psychedelics are getting me out of this mess when psychosis didn't because what I had was more like a meth psychosis.. Paranoia of police taking me away and the government tracking my every move.. How can that be good for anyone? Life experience is the main thing that can improve people's lives and it's harder now that everyone is stuck inside, eating, sleeping, using their devices..

The meaning is life. It's not to find meaning as we are one with the meaning. You can say it's all meaningless but that still MEANS meaning.

I plan on reading and I've bought a few books and had some given to me but I've been doing so many things shortly when in the past I'd just sleep and listen to music, eat, work meaningless jobs, neglect my school, friends, ego and life in general. I've been listening to podcasts which is the good thing about information that I'm absorbing.

I would love to find the cure to negative symptoms by finding a code of doing specific things like how there's ways to make millions of dollars - we just don't know how. Then I'd write a book about how I did it.

I want to take classes that other people would find meaningless and do things that are interesting which other people would find meaningless like taking a variety of classes which includes art classes, learning languages, english, math, physics, sciences, etc and just open my mind to all the possibilities. I mainly need to stop stressing and being depressed about my lack of confidence and my flaws. Meditating, exercising, eating well, prioritizing my time to the good things and music helps too like writing songs, poems, etc.. Some type of psychedelic intervention.

I am not a lost soul. I know the secrets to the universe and many people walk around aimlessly trying to find happiness and pleasure. I argue with people but that's the worst thing. They don't understand the mass of identity that makes up my mind, only bits and pieces. That is truly what is meaningless, only to manipulate emotion by not looking at the whole picture and instead piecing puzzles together of very little strings of information. The information codes need to be much bigger than that, to result in the opposite.

You might be overthinking it. Have you ever tried to plan your activities in advance?

I'm working on a routine but I'm thinking too much about things. Many things..

I hope I’m okay tonight. Maybe last night was a one off. I’ve been well.

I don’t want things to go south. I don’t really want to tell anyone personally about being off because then they’ll start questioning everything I’m doing. Make me second guess getting tattoos and piercings. I really want them and it’s not a hypomanic or crazy thing.

I hope so. I want to live independently at my apartment really badly, but it's hard when going to my apartment evokes this anxiety and paranoia.

I thought the same thing!

200mg caffeine

But I might take a small nap before it kicks in. It is time. Cuz Vyvanse isn't strong enough to keep me awake for 12 hours.

I want to go to my apartment and roll maybe 5 cigarettes and smoke them, and then roll some more. Really craving cigarettes right now. But of course they'd make me feel sick. My sinuses are clogged and I need Vaseline in my nose.

There's a female smoker here who has terrible COPD. When she sits down from a small exertion she has her mouth open trying to inhale and exhale. That would be me after smoking for a.day or two. This is ridiculous.

I just realized/remembered I have my little pods to vape under the covers later. I'd better never get caught. But it was a totally happy thought after the cigarette cravings.

I also want to buy a carton of cigarettes from the store.

You are craving nicotine. Cigarettes are a terrible nicotine delivering device.

Not worth it. One cigarette and you wont stop smoking after that. It's not worth it.

Read the book by Alan carr - how to stop smoking the easy way. Its the best and easiest way to quit smoking.

I have been having a strange day. A lot of anxiety. Putting my headphones on helps, it's the main thing that's been making me feel normal and not worried