Roll Call 154

Hi everybody! I hope everyone is doing good. I'm kind of down. Maybe depressed. I was doing good but then I had a really bizarre therapy appointment last night. My T didn't seem to recognize me at times. She forgot major things about me. She talked about my son (I don't have kids) so she obviously had me confused with someone else. And she talked about random stuff that we weren't even talking about, like free upper education for everyone, and snakes, and ice cream, and handbags. I'm worried she was either high or has dementia. She kind of stared off into space for a while. I chattered on for a while and then I just got kind of quiet. It was really confusing and made me feel invisible and like I don't matter. I hope she doesn't have a medical problem. I asked her if she had a long day and she shook her head yes. And I asked her if she was tired and she shook her head yes. It wasn't a very therapeutic session though. So today I'm kind of down and I feel really alone with my problems and stuff. I kind of want to SH. I just made a new goal with T last night to get to 75 days without SH but I might be like forget that. Not a very hard day at work today so far which is good. And I have a free evening tonight so that's good also. I feel like I could use a break. Hugs to everyone, Kit

Yes, it really is.

Ah. Work is boring today. It's nice to not have a full plate but it isn't helping me with the depression either. So far no hallucinations today. At least not visual ones. Maybe a sensory one if that is possible. I'm wanting to SH and that's difficult. I want to curl up in a ball and get under my weighted blanket and be nice and safe. It's horrible how therapy can destabilize you. It's like I was doing good and then wham. One bad therapy session and I'm back to not doing well. Destabilized. Just like that. Hard to feel like the professionals really care. I'm trying to be kind to myself today and not be hard on myself. Not too much to do at work, but I might get a pile at the end of the day. That is what usually happens to me. Hard to get distracted from how I feel when there isn't much going on at work.

People on reddit keep asking if I'm manic

Probably cuz of the phenibut. I'm gonna stop for a while and just be horribly depressed for a few weeks.

Welp.

Got the update from my MRI. They said I need to see a spinal surgeon to see if I need ESI injections or physical therapy. Idk wtf that is, the first one. But I'm broke as fck. So idk how tf im supposed to finance this bs.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

tempted to skip my meds tonight and see if I sleep any less.

probably a bad idea

Wow Hugs@newtus

Probably. But I've been tempted quite a few times lately to skip my meds so I hear you.

I have an idea of what I want to do and what I want to read but I can't organize my thoughts. Everything is a mess.

My mind is really open right now. I'm quite interested in technology and "The Theory of Everything" or anything like that because reading about religion is so subjective like I understand it all. If I read about Islam or Christianity, it's all coded language for what I already know so I'll leave that for another time.

Sometimes I wish I never took psychedelics so I'm more interested in "figuring everything out", then I try them.

I'm so interested in what is a mystery like the future with and what people don't know, I feel like just a messenger and that's quite lonely.

My therapist finished the letter/documentation I needed for my college. So I can turn that in next week.

I feel weird. Kind of like a semi headache and shaky

I want to cry but for some reason can't.

Hope you feel better soon @Blue_Bird! Maybe you could try watching a sad movie if you want to cry. That usually does it for me. I have a tough time crying any other way unless I am really frustrated. Then I cry.

I’ve heard of some meds having this effect...

Yeah same. Antipsychotics and antidepressants mainly. I know I can't cry even if I try, but idk if it's me or the meds.

There is no need to cry unless you find the path again

Me too. It's a side effect of ad meds and ap meds afaik.

This sounds like a EVP message. Those freak me out. I wish I were on the Pacific coast beach. I think I have machine oil in my lungs because I never washed my tanks before use.

I'm scared about my future. I was learning about how lithium ion batteries work. Idk why.

Yeah I was going to delete it but I just figured w/e I'll leave it there